Pulling it all together...

I have spent the last month and a half trying to pull it all together.

I've tried to be accepting of my limitations due to my RA and my family situation. I think in some instances it has made me a better mom and wife.  I've tried to be more patient with myself and extend that to my family as well.  I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to do the amount of things I once used to do with ease.

Sometimes, I feel my old self return. I feel like I could move the world and I try to and I end up paying for it the next day. Seriously, I've been shuffling around with what feels sort of like what I would imagine an ass cramp would feel like for three days now. I feel crooked. It's hard to have patience when sitting or movement hurts. It's hard to get up from my desk chair and Hubbins thinks it's funny to suggest I need one of those recliners that basically stands a person up. I'll be honest it doesn't just physically hurt, my feelings get hurt too.

Just this past week, I did go out and buy myself a recliner.  I moved my bed out of my room and I now have a cuddler recliner in my room. I have to tell you, I love it and I have actually slept well in it. It actually supports me. My only trouble is getting out of it because I am so short. My legs don't actually rest on the leg part but on the seat when I am laying back completely. *blush*

The other thing about this past month and a half... my kids. We've been through quite a bit, but for some reason these last several weeks have been the most emotionally exhausting, yet rewarding of all our time together.

I've implemented some things around here to help the kids feel what I hope is coming across as a loving security.  I think there is a difference between door alarms- secure and feeling safe with someone- secure.

I know a lot of people might be going....duh! But to me it's a new concept. As I child, I never felt safe or truly loved, come to think about it...I'm still working on those things today. So for me, it takes a lot of thought and things clicking in.

I'm making the kids some homemade lovies and I bought a baby monitor for CDQ that actually plays lullaby's for 15 minutes.  She acts like she hates it but I see her smile every night I go in there and turn it on and I've heard her quietly singing with it.

I've talked to the kids about keepsakes and passing things on in the family. (I have nothing) Trying to help them along into thinking about the future.

The big clean is still going on here. Not as fast as I would like, but most definitely it is a deep clean going on in the closets and places that have not been touched since the kids moved in.  Even though a person coming into my house today might not be able to see it, I know the volume of stuff that has been purged to goodwill or the trash over the past couple of months.

Homeschool is moving along swiftly, which reduces my stress levels somewhat. Most of last year was spent working on behavioral issues so we are working a grade behind for now, which doesn't sit well with me because I realized my kids were already working a grade behind in public school even though they were supposed to be in a certain grade. Let's not even talk about the money I spent on Catholic school for the oldest, only to find I have to bring her back as well...*sigh*

We've started to have psuedo movie nights every Sunday before the Amazing Race. I say psuedo because I call them at the last minute and we have dinner in our bedroom. Nothing is planned as far as the kids know and boy is it driving them crazy. Last Sunday was The Pagemaster. Cute movie. I'm allowing the kids to watch The Amazing Race this season, because so far the women have kept their clothes on and the guys aren't acting like dogs.  It's been great. Poufy and the Boy play the Amazing Race every morning when they run out the door to get the dogs their water. It's hilarious because the baby monitors pick up on them from outside.

I feel warm and fuzzy about it because those two feel carefree enough to run outside and do that without supervision AND they are actually imagining things! Did you know my kids couldn't play like that? When they played, it was house and the Dad called the Mom "bitch" and yelled at her and it was all ok. I shudder to think about that.  What's funny about them outside, I was embarrassed at first about this, was I could hear them talking to the dogs. "Madi you need to sit down and not jump! Do you hear me Madi!?! Do you understand?" That's embarrassing because it was said in the tone  and language I use with them. LOL!

I have more to say about the way they play but I think this is getting long and rambling. I've been dropping in on blogs but my reader is full because I have only been getting snippets of posts before I am called away.  For example, tonight I got to see Torina wearing a baby snuggly like a tank top.... um...yeah, I need to go back and read that one.