This is part 3 of a 5 part post:
Part one is here.
Part two is here.
Part four is here.
Part five is here.
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The next morning there was hostility at the breakfast table from the other kids toward CDQ. They don't like the way she treats me or them.
I decided we were going to have a family meeting. I told them that they needn't worry or be mad at CDQ about the other day because I truly wasn't mad then nor was I mad now. It was a new day and as far as I am concerned yesterday was the past and there's nothing we can do to change it. It's done.
Probably not the best approach, but I thought about it and like I said in my previous post. I dunno what I could have done which, BTW, I am totally open to any suggestions or advice and won't take offense because I know we are all in different situations and see things differently and when we offer up something we don't mean to criticize or give bad advice, etc... it's all in the best interest of the child. Which is why I am putting this out there.
CDQ told me she wasn't mad anymore either. That she thinks it was because she had a dream the night before the incident where she saw her bio mom's face and she (bio mom) was screaming at her (CDQ) but it was my voice that her bio mom had. That's when the oldest chimed in that she had the SAME dream except it was my face and her bio mom's voice. (Well that's just f'in great, isn't it?) I asked the oldest when hers was and guess what? It was the night before my birthday, you know, my birthday the day that the oldest blew up and told me she hated me out of nowhere? Yeah, that day. I pointed that out to her (the oldest) and I could see she was stunned. She doesn't believe she has any issues regarding her bio mother.
Anyhow, CDQ and I had talked about her behavior towards others. She's totally in the pushing people away phase before they can hurt her. She keeps saying she doesn't want to be around people and doesn't like people but her actions aren't saying that. Her actions are saying that she is hurting because she wants to be a part of it and she doesn't know how.
I've likened it to the fact that she is seems to be stuck in the terrible twos stage mentally. She tantrums and gets angry when people don't do what she wants just like a toddler who doesn't get the toy they want or whatnot.
I told the other kids that we were going to talk about the way CDQ makes them feel but we aren't going to use mean words or faces. We aren't going to attack her, we are just going to talk to her and let her know.
Well holy hell, I had no idea what she had done to them. I mean, I knew she had pushed the boy onto a barrel cactus in the past because he was in line to get in the car ahead of her and she wanted to get in first. I had heard about how she laughed when he got up with needles embedded in his stomach and was screaming...he was 2. That I heard from MY youngest sister.
My other sister had also told me about how she caught CDQ trying to force Poufy and my nephew (her son) to kiss and touch each other. I don't know if she succeeded only they know. I don't know if my sister would ever tell me the truth to that extent, like if something did happen. I think she would choose to keep it a secret and pretend it never happened.
So I kind of expected some things to be bad. So yeah, she bites them, she puts her fist up to her face to intimidate them, she yells at them, she flips them off, she's touched some of them, etc... those are the things since they've moved here. Before that, it was worse. Most couldn't say for themselves. One thing they all had to share was how CDQ stabbed SS in the back with a knife. Even the oldest was traumatized by that.
She said they were unloading the dishwasher somewhere and CDQ wanted to put something away that SS had. She tried to take it from her and SS refused and turned to put it away and that's when CDQ grabbed a knife from the dishwasher and stabbed her. The oldest said she started screaming because blood was gushing out of SS. No one took SS to the ER, no one reprimanded CDQ. I guess they all just swept it under the rug.
This gave me insight as to why SS was so unwilling to stand up for herself and challenge anything. I had no idea.
A long time ago, their bio mother tried to slice my wrist with a butter knife because someone had said something about her and I thought it was funny and laughed. She was that mad about it and she just flipped like a switch.
After they poured out their abuses. I explained to CDQ that I hadn't realized she had treated them so badly. I told her I was worried because she was abusing them and I asked her if she wanted to be like the people who have abused her. She didn't answer me.
I asked the kids if they had ever had a chance to see the real CDQ. The one that likes to read and play etc... they said they had. I said if that CDQ wanted to hang out with you guys would you be open to that?
At first they were saying no, until Poufy hit it on the head. She said as long as CDQ wasn't mean or didn't hurt them, they liked including her. But she always gets mad.
Of course, CDQ was all about how she wanted to be alone and didn't want to play with them anyway.
I keep trying to make her understand that she can feel that way today but who knows when that will change. I keep trying to tell her she is 10 right now and when she is 15 she will be different and when she's 23 she'll be even more different. This is just how she feels for now.
So I told her...when you guys are older, don't you want to be at their weddings? Don't you want to meet your nieces and nephews and be part of all that.
She was adamant that she did and she couldn't wait to be an Aunt. I asked her if she thought that her siblings would let her around their children if they thought she was going to do the same thing to their children that she did to them.
That made her think.
I told her that they just opened the door for her. They said they were willing to give her another chance. I explained to her that the ball was in her court to change things. I told her she was the only one who could change it.
So what does she do?
She farts and says "Oh, that smells good! That's the best I've ever farted!" and she starts taking deep breaths.
I looked at the kids and it was like a sea of disbelief. I explained to them that it was too much for her to handle right now and that's why she's doing this.
I turned to her and told her, fine, if she wanted to be left alone I'd see what I could do. But she wasn't going to hurt anyone anymore.
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