Things we take for granted...

The oldest and I spent some time together this weekend. Saturday we ran over to Old Navy and took advantage of their $2 cami sale.

I've always wanted to visit this place in the mall that I call the junk shack. I don't know the real name of the shop because I'm always ogling the "junk". When I say junk, I'm talking about: candy, ice cream, sundaes, pickles, cookies, and....slushies.

I have a confession to make. I am a HUGE slushie, icee, slurpee FREAK!  Seriously.

I haven't been able to go to this shop because I've been with THE GRANDMASTM  (<--  My mom and my grandmother, that's what we've been calling them around here and it's sooo much easier to type. lol) and they are both diabetics or usually Hubbins and I have just left the movie theater which we've both already consumed popcorn, nachos, and/or icees during the movie.

Soooo, I jumped on the opportunity to visit the junk shop. I told the oldest whatever she wanted to get to go for it.  I went directly to the slushie area and immediately chose a medium jolly rancher green apple slush, the oldest chose a sugar cone dipped in chocolate topped with a massive scoop of mint chocolate chip.

All was good in the world.

lol.

We went out to the parking lot to get in the car and I noticed she was dripping ice cream everywhere. I decided we were going to stand outside of the car and let her finish it. As I watched her eat, I realized she had no idea how to eat an ice cream cone.  She was eating it like a toddler. The ice cream was dripping on all sides all over her shoes, shirt and hand.  The oldest is 14 years old.  I know she's had cones in the past, but I just took it for granted she knew how to eat it.  So I teasingly coached her on how to eat the cone.

It's been hard to be around her lately because she's been really combative.  I know the teen years. But I'm worried. She's the only child who wasn't diagnosed with RAD but only because of the answers I had given at the time of the evals. I didn't know she was lying and stealing.  Back then she wanted to live here, but as an only child.  I'm positive if I had known what she was doing and answered my portion of the questions to reflect that she would have been diagnosed as well.

It appears to me, based on what she tells me, that she struggles with a voice in her head and her inner self. The voice in her head keeps telling her to be against me and everything I say but her inner self keeps admitting that what I say to her is right.

Last night I talked to her about school. I've cut back on her studies considerably (all of my children) because I saw they weren't able to keep focused and were often disassociating.  But I've been encouraging her to move forward. She is supposed to be a freshman in high school but she is re-doing the 6th grade in Time 4 Learning because apparently she missed that (and for those of you who remember, yes...I did pay a fortune for her to go to catholic school for 6th grade).

I told her I was worried not only because she was so far behind but despite what she thinks, there are things  that I am worried she is going to miss out on that aren't academic related.  I mentioned homecomings and Proms.  I told her in the end they aren't really such a big deal but for her age range it's really fun.

I could've graduated as a junior in HS but I decided to stay my senior year for the activities. Sometimes, I can kick myself for that and other times I'm glad I did stay but wish I would have gone to the local JC concurrently. But hindsight and all that...

I told her about special interest clubs and all the things that could be available to her.  I told her for all we knew she could end up Prom Queen or class President or none of those things.

As a parent of special needs kids,  I know that there are differences and there are things that we (my kids and myself as a parent) will miss out on because of their special needs. I've never said anything to them about the things that I would miss out on, because really who cares?

But I let it slip that I had dreams of helping her pick out a prom dress or even making her one.

She looked at me and her lower lip started to tremble.  She said "You would do that for me?"

That crushed me. OF COURSE I would do that for you!  That's what I wanted to scream. I had already figured I would be doing that as her Aunt in the future before I became her parent, because God knows her mother wouldn't be able to for what ever reasons.

She was doing the ugly cry and almost got me going. I asked her why she was crying because I wasn't about to guess, I mean 14 and all, you know?  She told me she doesn't understand after all she's done to me and the way she's been treating me lately why I still do things for her.

I asked her what she meant, and she said taking her to buy her shirts and ice cream. She said she thought about it and couldn't understand why I would still do that.

I told her just because I get upset doesn't mean that I don't love her or want to spend time with her.

To me those are little things, insignificant.  $2 shirts? An ice cream cone? That's just every day life.  But to her it means something.

I know I am awful about sharing my "good" feelings. It's hard for me to put myself out there when it comes to that. I'm thinking I should totally start talking about the future with them and the things I see myself doing with them as they get older if it were to come to pass. No pressure you know?

And I definitely need to open my eyes and start paying attention to those "little insignificant" things that mean a lot to them.  The things that I take for granted because I didn't think they gave a damn.  Now figuring out what they are...that's my next challenge.

But I'm game for it. :-)

When fear collides...

Hello, my name is Sasha and I'm a dumb@$$.

Remember, that post where I ended with the words "my eyes are open"?  Well let's just say my allergies clouded them over for a few.

Apparently I share the same condition as my children.  I scared the crap out of myself with the idea of what CDQ was going to do to tear apart our family. She has been so hateful and accusing. That day that I drove her to the therapist she acted all smug-like. I was sure she had a whole set of lies to get herself out of our home. Because she is a child and is unaware of the weight of her words, I was terrified by whatever lies she would conjure up.

CDQ did not let me see her, the real her.  I didn't understand that her hatefulness and heartlessness was a coverup for protection.  I kept telling myself that she was scared and I would tell her too that she was scared. But somewhere it got jumbled and I started to believe her. I think it had to do with my fear of being unable to protect the other children and my husband from her.

Anyhow, last Friday the therapist had given me "prescriptions" to work on with CDQ.  10-20-10 of undivided attention. Meaning give her 10 minutes in the morning, 20 minutes during the day and 10 minutes at night and to tell her at night that I loved her and was glad she was in our family and that I would always be there for her.  Then last appointment when both CDQ and I met with her, she wanted me to lightly rub CDQ's temples, run my fingers along the curve of the skull behind the ear, along her shoulder, down her arm ending on the front of her hand between her pinky and ring finger.

I will confess that I wasn't able to do it. I haven't even been able to look her in the eye. When I woke up today, I thought I could just run away. After I poured my heart out to the bestest Hubbins ever and went out to grab some dinner, I felt a release.

So tonight, I trudged into her room bracing myself for the abuse.  I saw the fear in her eyes when I came into the room. She was lying down and sat up quickly. You could say we both braced ourselves.  I told her I was there to do what the therapist said we should do.  I pretended like I didn't know exactly what I was supposed to do and I let her show me on herself.  I did a brief recap of appropriate and inappropriate touching just in case (did I mention that I am terrified of her making something up? I did. ok.) Then I did it on her noting the pokiness of her ears, etc... That made her giggle, but I could tell there was something else going on.  I could see in her eyes the shift. I was dealing with the real CDQ now.

All of a sudden she was talking nonstop without pause.  Not in the combative way either.  I was worried she was going into a form of a hysteria...you know the one where people talk and don't breathe or stop? That one... But I realized this is exactly what the therapist was talking about when she said "it oozes out of her".  I had never seen this side of her.  I could smell her fear. She was sweating and I realized what she meant when she said she always has a fever.  She never does but she's so scared she's sweating but she thinks it's from a fever.

She was talking about how at night Freddy, Michael, Jason, the devil and her bio father get together in her room but from hell. (Yes, she's seen all those movies and more. ) She hears their voices from the floor discussing whose going to come up and kill her or how she is going to go to hell anyway.  I forgot "IT' the clown. I haven't seen the movie but he's part of  it too and she sees clowns on her wall and outside her window. The clowns tell her they are there to protect her but they smile at her scary and she's not sure she can trust them.

She also hears boys talking and telling her things, like if she looks down she's going to see certain things or if she doesn't do what they say (mainly looking at scary things she imagines are there) or closes or eyes she will regret it.

She thinks the Littlest Pet Shop Monkey on her wall is angry at her because it thinks she stares at it. Her baby alive doll scared her and she was mean to it and threw it and now she thinks the doll hates her and she's scared of it.

This was just the tip of the iceberg.  I reassured her she had done nothing to have a spot in hell and that no one could say to her that she wasn't going to heaven or that she was going to hell.  I addressed this first because that's when the tears started falling, when she thought she was going to hell.

I mainly let her get it out and then I asked her if I could hug her and I held her tightly and reassured her that she was going to be ok and that I would do everything I could to help her feel safe. She was clinging to me when I told her she should have let me know about the doll, I would never make her keep it in the room. I told her I was sure that the doll understood and didn't hold anything against her.  I also asked her if she only saw these things in the dark or if it happened when the light was on too. We decided to leave the light on for now.

I just checked on her and she is out. Normally she is huddled in a fetal position with her back against the wall and she is wide awake. Right now, her foot is hanging off the bed her hands are out in different directions and she hasn't moved an inch. Her monitor sits here on my desk and I can usually hear her tossing and turning.  I haven't heard that tonight.

I took the doll out and the Littlest Pet shop decals from the wall out too. Unfortunately, she feels every doll stares at her. I'm not sure a lovey is the right answer right now.  She even thinks the penguin on her bedspread stares at her. I had her flip it over and that seems to be better.

There's so much that I am leaving out, she talked about her her bio parents, other relatives who have passed. But I get it now. I really do get it now and I completely understand what the therapist was saying because I am sure this is the CDQ she saw.  I am certain it is.

Here I was sitting imagining my kids being taken away and Hubbins having to go into a home. For those who aren't familiar, this stems from the previous "therapist" who threatened that she could report me but would not tell me why.  I think it was a mind game she was trying to play on me and I guess it worked.

Anyhow, I still feel at a loss because I am not sure how to make her feel safe. I wish I could take all these fears from her and put them into her bio parents heads in such a way that it would transform into their greatest fears and that they would be plagued with the damn things forever.

The Bad...

I could never catch them when it was happening. They both accuse each other of hurting each other. I suspected strongly that it was CDQ because she is violent. But I couldn't prove or disprove either case...until tonight.

I went to tell them to stop rough housing because it sounded like they were getting a little out of control with their playing. I had no idea she was hurting him. That is until I opened the door and saw her bending back his fingers with her face up in his.

She jumped up immediately and started crying that he was hurting her. The boy just sat there holding his hand, he had tears running down his face. I caught her. She was busted. So she started screaming at me. I told her she better watch who she is screaming at. Then I realized I need to stop and think for a second. I tried to talk to her. Sometimes, I can talk her down before she loses it. But this time, she was busted so she was going to pull out all the stops.

I said " I am not going talk to you right now, good night." and I shut the door. Of course about 10 minutes into it, I realized I had left the boy in there with her. Oops.

She was too busy slamming herself against the wall and trying to punch a hole in the walls to do anything to him. I called him out and that's when I saw it.

She had used her nails and did this to him through his sock.

I wish I could get better pictures. His neck has her finger and hand marks on it. There are tiny red blotches almost rashlike. She was choking him.

If the marks come out stronger tomorrow, I am going to take more pictures. I just couldn't get the new camera to capture it.

She was beyond pissed that we could see what she had done to him so she was screeching and screaming "don't hurt me!", "Somebody please help me, please!", "Ow! you're hurting me!" , etc... and she was in the room all by herself. Sometimes, I try to stand by a window when she is doing that so people can see me because truly we never know when someone will believe them, right?

I decided to videotape from the bathroom which is on the other side of the wall. I didn't want to record her directly, but I need to know. I don't feel like any therapist or anyone else I've talked to gets the magnitude of what I am trying to tell them. This was after an hour, the very worst had past for the time being until she worked up some more steam. I wanted to ask all of you if this is what your kids meltdowns are like, is this what you mean when you say they are raging?

She went on and on but I stopped recording and simply went in and told her to sit in the middle of the room so she would be away from all walls. She had already kicked me a few times when I was trying to get her away from the walls earlier, so if someone was wondering why I was letting her do that, well, I can't get hurt.

They have already physically hurt me and hurt or not I still have to get my husband in his wheelchair everyday. I don't have any health insurance or anything if one of them were to hurt me badly and I can't leave any of them as I have no help whatsoever. But even if that weren't an issue, I don't think there is anything I could do to help her when she is like this other than to let her get it out.

I just need to know, is this what you guys are dealing with or is this when I start forcing people to give her residential treatment?

Great Parenting Moments...

So tonight I'm sitting in our bedroom learning about Facebook and Hubs comes in and stops at the foot of the bed.

Hubs: I think I did some thing really really wrong.
Me: *raised eyebrow* whhhat?
Hubs: I told the boy he could put his tooth under his pillow.
Me: Grrrrrrreat! and just tell me how in the hell is the toothfairy supposed to get in there with the door alarm.
Hubs: Uh, I don't know. That's why I think I did something wrong. *turns and leaves the room*
Me: *rolling my eyes*

lol

I mean really, how does the "toothfairy" get in there with motion sensors in the hallway and door alarms?

To top it all off, the kids don't even put their lost teeth under their pillows, they put them in the toothfairy pillow and hang it on the front door knob. You know...so the toothfairy doesn't get lost or have to go too far into the house and stuff. Not to mention the toothfairy is getting old and tends to forget things. Ya know?

Trying to be a better parent

I came across this poem the other day. I recognized it from a poster my mom had hanging up in her room when I was a kid. I wondered if it had any meaning to her.

If a child lives with cricism, he learns to condemn…
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight…
If a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive…
If a child lives with pity, he learns to feel sorry for himself…
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy…
If a child lives with jealousy, he learns to feel guilt…
But…
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient…
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns to be confident…
If a child lives with praise, he learns to be appreciative…
If a child lives with acceptance, he learns to love…
If a child lives with honesty, he learns what truth is…
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice…
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith in himself and those about him…
If a child lives with friendliness, he learns the world is a nice place in which to live.
With what is your child living?

It got me to thinking about what my kids are living with.

I've talked a lot about my kids behaviors and changes but I know that I as a person and now parent have changed too.



In a sense, I feel like I've had to close off my heart so that I wouldn't let it interfere with the tough love the kids need in order to progress. Both Hubs and I were sabotaging ourselves by undermining the things we were setting into place.



We'd start to feel sorry for the kids and we would let things slide. If it wasn't us sabotaging things, it was social workers or therapists that weren't trained in attachment.



The other part of closing off my heart is that it's the easiest thing for me to do to protect myself from them as well.



The big thing and the hardest thing is that I often feel like I am an adult with RAD. My whole life I have been in this alone, I didn't lash out the way the kids do but I tried to have patience and faith until I was finally on my own. I never let anyone get too close to me and I take off when they do. So what happens when you put an adult with children and they all have attachment and bonding issues?



uh oh.



It's too easy for us to ignore each other, to hurt each other and to keep our distance from each other.



After all, people come and go and the ones worth loving and keeping around God usually takes away from us. The rest are just here to cause pain. Whether with words or inappropriate touching or hitting, etc...



Yep, I actually feel that way. I think my kids feel that way too.



So what kind of message am I unconsciously conveying to them? What beliefs am I perpetuating? Perhaps worse of all, what "sins" am I committing that my own "parents" (mother, aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa<--people who took care of me, step-father)did to me?



Am I passing on the harshness of my Aunt? The put downs from my mother? The objectivity from my Uncle? The pessimism and helplessness of my Grandmother? The ignorance of my Grandfather and the unspoken hate from my step-father?



Are these the things that I have to offer? Is this the true and hidden culmination of what I have become? Is this the legacy that I pass on? Have I not broken the cycle that I worked so hard to be rid of?



Sometimes I hear myself and it's not me speaking, it's them...it's their words coming out of me and I hate it. It's not the kind of person I want to be and it's definitely not something I want to pass on to anyone.



Every day, I plan on asking myself "what are your children living with?" So I can remind myself exactly what I want for my children and then try to live up to that.



They deserve better.

It will be a miracle...

So, the loan on our current house is currently in underwriting which I guess is the last step for this house to be sold. We are supposed to know more on Monday or Tuesday.

Along that same vein, I talked to the realtor about the house we have an offer on. We should have a final answer some time Monday or Tuesday. The Realtor selling the other house finally got ahold of someone at the second bank, from my understanding, and he was told that they felt they could get more money if they foreclosed.

It is also my understanding that the selling realtor has put in a lot of work to sell this home and doesn't want to lose the sale. It was said that we have put in a great offer and the bank doesn't care about the gazillion pictures of stuff that needs to be fixed nor the ones that apparently the selling realtor also submitted to let them know "hey, you really are getting a great offer and NO ONE else has even come close to our bid." Apparently, they had the house "realtor appraised" a while back and were told they could get more for it. The fact that no one's even bid more than $200,000 (well, except for us, we wanted to be fair), should be a clue to them.

Really, I have searched high and low, we are asking our realtor to look into foreclosures and new construction even because I need, NEED, NEEEEEEEEDDDDDD to have these kids separated before I return them. We are back to square 1 with them because the assholes at the insurance company refuse to give them what they need. As I told the woman, the kid's other drug is a generic and I have no problem with it because it works. I told her they could give them a sugar cube and I wouldn't care as long as it worked. Seriously. I wouldn't.

But 4 kids, lying and stealing, destroying and physically hurting each other. It's getting bad. I've got to say it now. Just in case one of those "super" parents who has nothing on their mind but the one child they are trying to attain sainthood with is reading this. You guys know who I am talking about, no? I'm sure you've read them on other people's blogs.

Don't fuck with me. You have no idea.

I get so tired of some parents with special needs kids who think they are the shit because they will deal with whatever comes their way no matter what. It's not so cut and dry for other people. It can be too much and it comes to a point where that parent is no longer what's best for the child. Why can't those parents see that? They see it as someone not trying hard, someone being a wuss, someone letting a kid down. We don't know the whole story behind anything we read out here. I just can't see why we can't support each other. Instead of stabbing one another in the back. You know?

Anyway, sorry about the rant, but it's been a long time coming. I have all 4 home now and I am homeschooling because I am afraid of what they will do at school. The lying is outrageous and the stealing. I know they are stealing from us. But the stuff I've been finding in the laundry. I can't even imagine.

The other house is the only house apparently in the state, that will accommodate everything we need and is in our price range. When I say everything, I mean everything. This house has a large rec room where I could even do the girl scout meetings and ceremonies easily. Why would this mean so much? I wouldn't be leaving hubs alone for such a long time ( 2 hours) and I wouldn't be far away in case he needed me. That stresses me out to no end while I am running the meetings. I'm always afraid he's going to call me with trouble and I will be stuck because I can't leave the girls.

All I can do is pray. I hate to put so much on this house, but I just know in my heart it's the answer, you know? I know the kids aren't going to become angels, but I also know that I will be able to police them better if they could be separated.

I suspect CDQ is physically abusing the boy but I can't catch her doing it and he won't exactly tell on her. I'm trying to gain his trust but he's just a shell. I can't put him anywhere else. I can't have either one of them, or anyone of them for that matter out loose in the house because of the stealing.

I don't know, I can go on and on. But, at this rate, it looks like this house is the only one out there. It truly would be a miracle from God for us to close on this house Monday or Tuesday and hear from the other house (good news hopefully) on either of those days as well.

I will keep you posted. I know a lot of you are hoping for the best for us and we appreciate it so much.

Hope all is well~!

Ring, Ring Ring...

Last Friday was the oldest's 5th grade promotion.

I found out at the last minute since everyone had been so sick. I felt really bad for her because she looked so sad and I didn't know if it had to do with leaving her friends or the fact that family was lacking. I grew up with an absent mother who was there if that makes sense. I don't even think that it's necessarily sadness as much as it is anger.

I started to hate their donors (because after much thought that is what they are) because they put these kids, my kids through this. It made me cry.

A woman came up and introduced herself to me as the mother of a friend of the oldest's. She touched my arm and told me she felt the same way. In all honesty, she put me off the minute she did that because being the witch that I am I immediately thought "Oh really? You're feeling sad for your daughter because her biological mother is a twat and mad because her grandmother is an even bigger one for siding with her and ultimately becoming trash? hmmm?" But instead of voicing that I just stared at her.

She told me that my daughter has been asking her to talk to me about her going over to her house. I told the woman I didn't know and she asked for my phone number so she could call me and we could talk it over and I could see where she lives etc... I went ahead and gave her the phone number.

Fastforward to yesterday, her daughter calls wanting mine to spend the night tomorrow (as in tonight now). I wasn't home but right smack in the middle of dinner about 30 minutes later from when she originally called, she called again.

I don't want horny little girls calling my house looking for a partner in crime. That's what this is. They want to run around the mall acting like a stupid girl and I will not permit it. There's enough stupid girls in the world with out me adding my girls to the mix.

I told the oldest that she is not allowed to receive calls...none of them are. They also aren't allowed to spend the night at anyones house. In the future when things are more settled, I told them they can have friends over here but spending the night elsewhere will never happen. I let her know she needed to tell her friend that and her friend had the audacity to ask why not?

This pissed me off to new levels. I went off. I don't question their mother's decisions that she makes for her children. I happen to know she parades her kids around to auditions, pulling them out of school and all. Her kids just don't cut the mustard but off they go. She encourages them to follow media and the lives of "famous" adults. She wants them to be stars. She tries to flaunt a Hollywood lifestyle and more power to her if that's what she wants but I want my kid to be 12. Real 12, not 12 going on 27.

CDQ is also friends with her twin daughters and it's all very dramatic and love/hate. My kids have already been exposed to things way beyond *MY* years, I don't want the added element of them feeling like they have to wear certain clothes or be certain things to be anyone.

I guess what this post adds up to is the question of why some parents feel they can command their way into their children's friends family. When she spoke to me she said "I know you are very strict...." I'm not strict, I'm normal...everyone else has lost their minds, no?

If I were to have started a conversation with her would it be "I know you are very shallow..." ?

At the end of the day, if roles had been reversed and her child was my own, I would have told her sorry but that's their house rules, maybe there's another friend you would like to invite. But I also would have called, not my child, and spoke to the parent first.

Who knows what's right?