I am breathing...dang it!

So you know when you can feel yourself escalating and you don't know why?

No, um ok...

Well, anyway, I feel myself escalating over nothing. To see me, you would see a person who is calmly typing or walking through the house doing a little of this and that...but inside...oooh boy!

I thought about saying "screw it all" and taking off to the movies...but honestly, I'm so wound up, I'm not even sure I could watch a movie. It would be a waste of money, at least for the movie portion...now movie snacks on the other hand....hmmmmm.

You know what though? I miss them all when I'm gone. For real!

Some people might think I'm strange considering the way I go on and on, but I miss them when I am gone almost every time. I would liken it to the mother whose kid is in daycare saying first words and learning how to walk while she's at work.  My kids are different little people and I learn new things about them every day. Some great, some not so great.  With their new found feelings of security, they have been able to shine through all the fear and I have some awesome little kids.

Yes, I know they are all pushing 10 or just over 10 mostly, but that's not what I see. For the most part, I see chubby little toddlers finding their way.  Not literally...of course. But you know...

The breathing technique in Beyond Consequences was working for me,  but not today.  (Note to God...haha, you are soooooo funny.  Just make me go through every thing my kids do, huh?)  I'm not trying to make this blog all about me, and it's not even that it matters, but holy hell, is this what PTSD is like? I think all that time that I had "meltdowns" with my kids in the past is now coming on as a full blown loss of mind.  All that time when everything was crumbling around me and I was trying to be a rock and make the right decisions, it's catching up to me now in the "calm of the storm".

I feel at this very moment that I have nothing to be stressing about. But it won't shut off. UGH!

I write this because I know somewhere someone will read this and agree with me.  Someone else is feeling like this right now about something.

I read the Reiki principles at the top of my blog, I so want to feel that. I keep telling myself: One.Minute.At.A.Time.   Yet somehow my minute has extended to days, maybe even weeks. I never was and still am not good at telling time.

So, I guess it's time to ask myself, "What the hell are you scared of?"

Good Question...

When fear collides...

Hello, my name is Sasha and I'm a dumb@$$.

Remember, that post where I ended with the words "my eyes are open"?  Well let's just say my allergies clouded them over for a few.

Apparently I share the same condition as my children.  I scared the crap out of myself with the idea of what CDQ was going to do to tear apart our family. She has been so hateful and accusing. That day that I drove her to the therapist she acted all smug-like. I was sure she had a whole set of lies to get herself out of our home. Because she is a child and is unaware of the weight of her words, I was terrified by whatever lies she would conjure up.

CDQ did not let me see her, the real her.  I didn't understand that her hatefulness and heartlessness was a coverup for protection.  I kept telling myself that she was scared and I would tell her too that she was scared. But somewhere it got jumbled and I started to believe her. I think it had to do with my fear of being unable to protect the other children and my husband from her.

Anyhow, last Friday the therapist had given me "prescriptions" to work on with CDQ.  10-20-10 of undivided attention. Meaning give her 10 minutes in the morning, 20 minutes during the day and 10 minutes at night and to tell her at night that I loved her and was glad she was in our family and that I would always be there for her.  Then last appointment when both CDQ and I met with her, she wanted me to lightly rub CDQ's temples, run my fingers along the curve of the skull behind the ear, along her shoulder, down her arm ending on the front of her hand between her pinky and ring finger.

I will confess that I wasn't able to do it. I haven't even been able to look her in the eye. When I woke up today, I thought I could just run away. After I poured my heart out to the bestest Hubbins ever and went out to grab some dinner, I felt a release.

So tonight, I trudged into her room bracing myself for the abuse.  I saw the fear in her eyes when I came into the room. She was lying down and sat up quickly. You could say we both braced ourselves.  I told her I was there to do what the therapist said we should do.  I pretended like I didn't know exactly what I was supposed to do and I let her show me on herself.  I did a brief recap of appropriate and inappropriate touching just in case (did I mention that I am terrified of her making something up? I did. ok.) Then I did it on her noting the pokiness of her ears, etc... That made her giggle, but I could tell there was something else going on.  I could see in her eyes the shift. I was dealing with the real CDQ now.

All of a sudden she was talking nonstop without pause.  Not in the combative way either.  I was worried she was going into a form of a hysteria...you know the one where people talk and don't breathe or stop? That one... But I realized this is exactly what the therapist was talking about when she said "it oozes out of her".  I had never seen this side of her.  I could smell her fear. She was sweating and I realized what she meant when she said she always has a fever.  She never does but she's so scared she's sweating but she thinks it's from a fever.

She was talking about how at night Freddy, Michael, Jason, the devil and her bio father get together in her room but from hell. (Yes, she's seen all those movies and more. ) She hears their voices from the floor discussing whose going to come up and kill her or how she is going to go to hell anyway.  I forgot "IT' the clown. I haven't seen the movie but he's part of  it too and she sees clowns on her wall and outside her window. The clowns tell her they are there to protect her but they smile at her scary and she's not sure she can trust them.

She also hears boys talking and telling her things, like if she looks down she's going to see certain things or if she doesn't do what they say (mainly looking at scary things she imagines are there) or closes or eyes she will regret it.

She thinks the Littlest Pet Shop Monkey on her wall is angry at her because it thinks she stares at it. Her baby alive doll scared her and she was mean to it and threw it and now she thinks the doll hates her and she's scared of it.

This was just the tip of the iceberg.  I reassured her she had done nothing to have a spot in hell and that no one could say to her that she wasn't going to heaven or that she was going to hell.  I addressed this first because that's when the tears started falling, when she thought she was going to hell.

I mainly let her get it out and then I asked her if I could hug her and I held her tightly and reassured her that she was going to be ok and that I would do everything I could to help her feel safe. She was clinging to me when I told her she should have let me know about the doll, I would never make her keep it in the room. I told her I was sure that the doll understood and didn't hold anything against her.  I also asked her if she only saw these things in the dark or if it happened when the light was on too. We decided to leave the light on for now.

I just checked on her and she is out. Normally she is huddled in a fetal position with her back against the wall and she is wide awake. Right now, her foot is hanging off the bed her hands are out in different directions and she hasn't moved an inch. Her monitor sits here on my desk and I can usually hear her tossing and turning.  I haven't heard that tonight.

I took the doll out and the Littlest Pet shop decals from the wall out too. Unfortunately, she feels every doll stares at her. I'm not sure a lovey is the right answer right now.  She even thinks the penguin on her bedspread stares at her. I had her flip it over and that seems to be better.

There's so much that I am leaving out, she talked about her her bio parents, other relatives who have passed. But I get it now. I really do get it now and I completely understand what the therapist was saying because I am sure this is the CDQ she saw.  I am certain it is.

Here I was sitting imagining my kids being taken away and Hubbins having to go into a home. For those who aren't familiar, this stems from the previous "therapist" who threatened that she could report me but would not tell me why.  I think it was a mind game she was trying to play on me and I guess it worked.

Anyhow, I still feel at a loss because I am not sure how to make her feel safe. I wish I could take all these fears from her and put them into her bio parents heads in such a way that it would transform into their greatest fears and that they would be plagued with the damn things forever.

Don't want to be a whiner...

Guys, don't worry about me. I'll be ok.  I'm just in a rough patch. 

I think I have Rheumatoid Arthritis.  Hell, who am I kidding. All I need is a Doctor's seal on it.

I've been having extreme joint pain to the point where I can't move. My arms, wrists, elbows, shoulders, ankles, fingers, toes, legs, knees. It's random and it moves and it's on both sides and nothing works. 

I used to take children's chewable tylenol (1 tablet) and be out within 10 minutes. I'm taking two @leves and nuttin'.  It's also  interfering with my sleep because if I do fall asleep and I am in pain, moving my leg or my arm or whatever hurts jolts me awake and then the anxiety kicks in and the next thing I know it's 4 in the morning and I'm still streaming movies or shows off of Netflix. Which I have to add, some of those BBC movies of classic literature that last 6 or more hours are pretty damn good! :-) 

At any rate, I was talking to Hubbin's home health nurse today and I was so exhausted. I told her some of the trouble I've been having and right off the bat she said it sounded like RA. I hadn't even mentioned it to her. But I know in my heart, it's what I have. 

I love to cross-stitch and crochet and I was teaching myself to knit. I like working outside with my roses and flowers. 

I like cake decorating and baking. 

I liked using my elliptical and I think the Wii Fit is fun, even if it makes my Mii so fat she can't put her arms down on her sides and she keeps twisting and turning to try to see her big butt. (Side note... since I got the Wii Fit, I've only been able to use it about a handful of times and have actually lost 5 lbs! My physical trainer on the Wii Fit can't complain either! LOL I LOVE IT!) 

I need my hands and my arms.  I need to be able to move. Taking care of Hubbins is very physically demanding. I transfer him from his bed to chair and back again every day. Even when I am in pain.  I do medical procedures on him that require me to pull and lift and turn him everyday. I do it all in pain and if Flo is visiting like yesterday. I just want to sit and die. 

I'm also predisposed to having joint issues because I am a pill baby and my joints didn't fully develop.  

All this has me down. The nurse recommended I take cinnamon for the pain. She told me if I go to the doctor that they will want to prescribe steroids and then narcotics and that since I am already building up a tolerance for pain meds, those things will no longer work in the long run and I will still have the damage to my bones, joints, muscles, etc... 

She's taking cinnamon for her pain and she said she doesn't have to take anymore pills for it.  So, I have some hope and today I was pretty good as far as the pain went. I'm sort of embarrassed to say it, but I think the weather has something to do with my pain too. When it's cold it hurts so bad. It's not cold in our house but if it's cold outside it hurts me. *blush*

Things could be worse, I'll be ok.  My kid made honor roll. We have a week off for Easter Break. I'm happy. 

Incidentally, I discovered that our CY$FD has a lending library and they are offering attachment courses. I'm excited and scared.  I noticed one of our local social workers follows J's blog and the blog for the local CY@FD people links to Lisa's blog. 

I'm scared because I have been threatened before by the local  CY@FD that if I couldn't do this they would take the kids from me, that was when we asked for services. I don't know what they could do now that the kids are ours. But it scares me. It's not the social worker we had. Our social worker knew nothing about RAD. 

I'm excited though because this social worker must know, or understand some of it if she is reading J's blog. I should hope.  I'm also excited because they have all the books and DVDs I wanted to read and watch. (including yours Lisa).  

It's so funny how I came across their blog. I couldn't even tell you how but it was less than 5 minutes after I had placed an order at @mazon. I think I was doing a search for that Give Me A Break DVD set.  Any how... I'm excited to get my paws on those materials. 

I was also doing some research on sleep aids. Surprisingly, not for me. But for CDQ. I've noted that she's been awake at all hours like myself and she's been especially cranky, rubbing her eyes, etc... I imagine she looks like me if I were to look at myself in the mirror. LOL! 

I bought some sleepy time tea. I was thinking of buying some of that calming baby body wash and having her bathe at night before bed.  That reminds me, I forgot I was going to buy that guided imagery book. 

Anyhow, I'll be ok. Just a rough patch. 

Don'tcha hate it when...

something just comes and pops you right in the face from out of the blue. 

I was just reading a post where the writer was talking about struggling with anxiety and insomnia and like a swift punch in the stomach, the air went from me and my eyes widened. I said it out loud...anxiety. 

That is so totally my problem. It is the word that I couldn't find yesterday. I've had panic attacks in the past and even hives due to anxiety but it was never really put into words.  I haven't had panic attacks or hives recently so I didn't put it together. But anxiety is definitely what I have. 

Hmmmm, what to do, what to do...

Dinah- I was very strong in my faith in God. I had my issues with the church and organized religion but I had my conversation with God and after 33 years of blindly following him and begging him for help or mercy or something. I am angry.  I know God only gives you as much as you can handle but I have told God something has to give because I am going to break and it's like he said "sorry kid, you're it, so deal with it.".  I've had it. I've never had a life. I'm always cleaning up after people and dealing with their mistakes. 

Sometimes, I really think I am going to lose it. I think I will snap and they will commit me.   It scares me because what will Hubbins and the kids do? They have no one but me. 

Sometimes, I wish that I would just break already. If I would just snap, I would get a break.  Crazy huh?

Kether- I would totally trust you with Hubbins and the kids.  I was hoping to meet some people too, but unfortunately, I just met people who were interested in using me some more.  Not all, but that's the jist of it. So it's just us again. You know what's funny? Remember my other blog? Diary of a Freak Magnet... well apparently when I deleted it on wordpress it didn't go away. I think they might've crashed over there and restored and that blog is now back, anyhow, someone had left comment on a post about me and my worries about hiring someone else to take care of Hubbins. I still feel the same way...it was surreal, it also felt like a warning because we were starting to look into hiring someone for a couple of hours a week.  Oh well...

OH, and I haven't finished reading the book yet, so please don't say too much anyone. lol  I didn't even know there was a movie! As I've been reading it, I was thinking it might be a good movie. 

Lisa- I was thinking about tapping after I visited the link that you posted on your blog.  I'm thinking it might help because I know when I was teaching the kids to do it, I was doing it in front of them and then with them and it seemed to help. So we might start that again. 

Torina- I might have to look into that, but and I mean no offense. I have had the philosophy of just "$%^& It" because I feel that I am trapped and can't change a damn thing so why stress over it, right?  but my mind and my body won't let me let it go. I've become enraged with myself because I know it's irrational.  (there's that damn little voice chirping-- I think?) I feel like I have no control because I can't stop my mind from thinking these things. I can't seem to turn it off anymore.

I have physical issues now as well. I don't really feel like going into it right now. But I'm sure it's a contributing factor to my own personal mindfuck at the moment. 

I know things have to change.  I know I'm the only one who can make that happen.  But for now I'm just trying to hold on until I wrap up some loose ends around here. 

I 

want

my 

life.