Attachment Therapists or The crazies, Part 5

This is part 5 of a 5 part post: 

Part one is here

Part two is here

Part three is here:

Part four is here:

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I told you guys I had a lot to say.  I'm just picking up on the recent stuff.  This is so exhausting and draining.  I know it's a lot to read... but I thank you for "listening" and I thank QueenMommy for being so open and honest about her feelings in her last post and helping me feel like this something I need to sit down and do.

When I spoke to the intake specialist, I told her that I needed to know how to go about disrupting an adoption. I had to go back to the beginning and explain what was going on, list to her all CDQ's disorders, etc...

She asked me if I wanted to schedule an appointment with a therapist. I'll be honest with you and anyone else who asks. No. I didn't. I told her about the last "play therapist" and the triangulation and told her that I just don't think I could go through that again. I needed someone who was trained in RAD.

Are you sitting down?


I am almost about to cry... I said that flippantly to her  because there were never "RAD specialists", in fact the only one who was the closest to knowing anything more than what it stood for was the doc that prescribed the meds who worked for this place but she didn't do therapy. She mentioned they worked on attachment issues there at the center, I believe, but I was so beaten up by the last therapist and the lack of cooperation with the insurance company and the kids meds that I decided to try to figure it out myself back then.

They have TWO therapists who work with RAD kids and there is a woman therapist who she was thinking of for CDQ.   This woman works exclusively with RAD kids.

I was fighting back becoming a blubbering idiot over the phone with the intake person.  She told me she had asked all the questions she needed and she would be passing the info to the director for his decision on whether they could take CDQ on.

I didn't hear from them that day.

Yesterday at lunch, I couldn't even make eye contact with CDQ. I knew it was stupid...but I'm serious when I say no matter what I do, I'm doing something to her, even if I'm not even acknowledging her. Or more precisely as Hubbins puts it. "There's something about you where she just keeps coming after you and attacking you."

Any how, all of sudden she's dying to talk to me. She's doing the equivalent of getting in my face (at least as close as she will let herself to me) and telling me what she thinks I want to hear.

I sat there and even though I had no facial reaction on the outside, I was cussing myself out on the inside... I was yelling at myself because, I mean, isn't this what got us to RAD in the first place in a way. Her mother rejecting her and ignoring her? I'm just like my freaking sister!  Aren't I? I'm doing the same damage! She's trying to reach out and here I am being a dumb@$$.

So, indeed like a dumb@$$. I took the bait.  I answered her and then she asked me if she could talk to me later.  I told her not if it was going to end up in an argument. She said "Oh, well, nevermind." I said "ok." and then she went on to tell me that it was probably going to make me mad and yell.  I told her I already knew it wouldn't because I will not let her upset me.  I also told her if it was about her leaving, it won't happen anytime soon, if at all and I'm not upset about it.

Because Lord only knows what kind of pleasure she would get out of thinking she's able to get a rise out of me.  It may be her problem because I used to let myself get all worked up and feel so bad for her, etc...but I really physically can't any more. Trauma and stress exacerbate my RA and sends me into flare ups. Then I'm no good for anyone.  I stopped letting her get to me to the point of panic attacks around last Thanksgiving.  Then when Hubbins was in the hospital and almost died, I let all that crap go because     I had all that time alone to see what a toll it was taking on me to have nurses telling me it was too much and looking at me with pity.   I had a chance to see the mess I've become and to know it's sooooo not working or making any difference to anyone.

I got a call late yesterday from the intake person. YES! They will take CDQ and she will have the female therapist.

Then I thought she said that the first time she wanted to see us together and then she would see CDQ separately.

I have to tell you, first that I am absolutely terrified to do this therapy thing, but I know it is absolutely necessary.

I told her immediately that the therapist would not ever be seeing CDQ alone because I know that children with RAD should never be left with the therapist alone.

She stumbled....and here's the part where I look like the lunatic. She had said that the therapist wanted to meet with me separately first so for me not to bring CDQ with me the first time.

Um, PARANOID MUCH??? *blush*

I'm not kidding when I say the last therapist totally pulled a mindf-- over all of us.

I have to say, I'm already liking her and I've never spoken to her. Could be my first mistake already.  The last therapist met with me and each of the kids. She had me describe their RAD (= negative) behaviors in front of them and then went down a list of behaviors and she asked the kids if they did those things.... yup one at a time...each child.

That's when the trouble really began...especially with the bathroom issues...crapping and peeing in the bedrooms, etc...

I'm very nervous because if the new therapist is a trained attachment therapist and she sees through CDQ...does that mean I am going to have to bring an angry violent child back home with me so she can terrorize my other regulated children now?

I am totally about admitting my mistakes, but I'm wondering if I should be so quick to put all my cards on the table? That's what the last therapist tried to use against me in the end.

Plus, I'm calling out to all of you. I am in dire need of advice regarding attachment therapists. What do I look for? What's ok and what's not?  What should I know?

Please help... If you don't know or know of someone who would have some stuff to share, forward this to them and ask them if they'd be willing to enlighten me. My appointment is on the 26th. I want to go in to it with my eyes wide open this time.

It's the last thread I am holding on to. Just a few weeks ago before all hell broke loose, she sat on my bed, knees touching, she held my hand as we watched Amazing Race. The weekend before that she sat at my feet with her head resting on my leg. My heart won't let me believe because of those shared moments, she's punishing us both.