When fear collides...

Hello, my name is Sasha and I'm a dumb@$$.

Remember, that post where I ended with the words "my eyes are open"?  Well let's just say my allergies clouded them over for a few.

Apparently I share the same condition as my children.  I scared the crap out of myself with the idea of what CDQ was going to do to tear apart our family. She has been so hateful and accusing. That day that I drove her to the therapist she acted all smug-like. I was sure she had a whole set of lies to get herself out of our home. Because she is a child and is unaware of the weight of her words, I was terrified by whatever lies she would conjure up.

CDQ did not let me see her, the real her.  I didn't understand that her hatefulness and heartlessness was a coverup for protection.  I kept telling myself that she was scared and I would tell her too that she was scared. But somewhere it got jumbled and I started to believe her. I think it had to do with my fear of being unable to protect the other children and my husband from her.

Anyhow, last Friday the therapist had given me "prescriptions" to work on with CDQ.  10-20-10 of undivided attention. Meaning give her 10 minutes in the morning, 20 minutes during the day and 10 minutes at night and to tell her at night that I loved her and was glad she was in our family and that I would always be there for her.  Then last appointment when both CDQ and I met with her, she wanted me to lightly rub CDQ's temples, run my fingers along the curve of the skull behind the ear, along her shoulder, down her arm ending on the front of her hand between her pinky and ring finger.

I will confess that I wasn't able to do it. I haven't even been able to look her in the eye. When I woke up today, I thought I could just run away. After I poured my heart out to the bestest Hubbins ever and went out to grab some dinner, I felt a release.

So tonight, I trudged into her room bracing myself for the abuse.  I saw the fear in her eyes when I came into the room. She was lying down and sat up quickly. You could say we both braced ourselves.  I told her I was there to do what the therapist said we should do.  I pretended like I didn't know exactly what I was supposed to do and I let her show me on herself.  I did a brief recap of appropriate and inappropriate touching just in case (did I mention that I am terrified of her making something up? I did. ok.) Then I did it on her noting the pokiness of her ears, etc... That made her giggle, but I could tell there was something else going on.  I could see in her eyes the shift. I was dealing with the real CDQ now.

All of a sudden she was talking nonstop without pause.  Not in the combative way either.  I was worried she was going into a form of a hysteria...you know the one where people talk and don't breathe or stop? That one... But I realized this is exactly what the therapist was talking about when she said "it oozes out of her".  I had never seen this side of her.  I could smell her fear. She was sweating and I realized what she meant when she said she always has a fever.  She never does but she's so scared she's sweating but she thinks it's from a fever.

She was talking about how at night Freddy, Michael, Jason, the devil and her bio father get together in her room but from hell. (Yes, she's seen all those movies and more. ) She hears their voices from the floor discussing whose going to come up and kill her or how she is going to go to hell anyway.  I forgot "IT' the clown. I haven't seen the movie but he's part of  it too and she sees clowns on her wall and outside her window. The clowns tell her they are there to protect her but they smile at her scary and she's not sure she can trust them.

She also hears boys talking and telling her things, like if she looks down she's going to see certain things or if she doesn't do what they say (mainly looking at scary things she imagines are there) or closes or eyes she will regret it.

She thinks the Littlest Pet Shop Monkey on her wall is angry at her because it thinks she stares at it. Her baby alive doll scared her and she was mean to it and threw it and now she thinks the doll hates her and she's scared of it.

This was just the tip of the iceberg.  I reassured her she had done nothing to have a spot in hell and that no one could say to her that she wasn't going to heaven or that she was going to hell.  I addressed this first because that's when the tears started falling, when she thought she was going to hell.

I mainly let her get it out and then I asked her if I could hug her and I held her tightly and reassured her that she was going to be ok and that I would do everything I could to help her feel safe. She was clinging to me when I told her she should have let me know about the doll, I would never make her keep it in the room. I told her I was sure that the doll understood and didn't hold anything against her.  I also asked her if she only saw these things in the dark or if it happened when the light was on too. We decided to leave the light on for now.

I just checked on her and she is out. Normally she is huddled in a fetal position with her back against the wall and she is wide awake. Right now, her foot is hanging off the bed her hands are out in different directions and she hasn't moved an inch. Her monitor sits here on my desk and I can usually hear her tossing and turning.  I haven't heard that tonight.

I took the doll out and the Littlest Pet shop decals from the wall out too. Unfortunately, she feels every doll stares at her. I'm not sure a lovey is the right answer right now.  She even thinks the penguin on her bedspread stares at her. I had her flip it over and that seems to be better.

There's so much that I am leaving out, she talked about her her bio parents, other relatives who have passed. But I get it now. I really do get it now and I completely understand what the therapist was saying because I am sure this is the CDQ she saw.  I am certain it is.

Here I was sitting imagining my kids being taken away and Hubbins having to go into a home. For those who aren't familiar, this stems from the previous "therapist" who threatened that she could report me but would not tell me why.  I think it was a mind game she was trying to play on me and I guess it worked.

Anyhow, I still feel at a loss because I am not sure how to make her feel safe. I wish I could take all these fears from her and put them into her bio parents heads in such a way that it would transform into their greatest fears and that they would be plagued with the damn things forever.