Alone

So I met with the attachment therapist on Friday, just me. She didn't ask me anything about CDQs behaviors. She just said over and over again how awful it is for the "poor baby". If you are sensing sarcasm, yes, there is a little.  She didn't let me tell her anything about the "poor baby".

See, once upon a time, I did feel sorry for CDQ but then I caught her. It's a hard concept for me to swallow when I try to explain to the therapist that I feel this time is different. My other kids did things out of fear and they still do it and it's written all over their faces. Sometimes, CDQ does do things out of fear and I can tell. But she also does things out of malice. The therapist says that CDQ isn't even aware of what she is doing and I can understand that to a point. But when she brags to the oldest about how she likes to do certain things...things that the therapist is telling me CDQ isn't aware of doing...well...who do I believe?  

The therapist says CDQs short term memory is compromised, but CDQ admitted this to the oldest the other day when she hadn't been around the others to do these things for at least three days.

I was excited on Friday, I had hope. I even signed up for a parenting class. But my whole world turned upside down when she called CDQ in today and told me I could wait outside.

You see, CDQ was viewing this meeting as her get out of jail free card. She was viewing it as an opportunity to spew her lies to the sympathetic woman and to get a whole new family.

I told her I did not want CDQ to go by herself and that I had read that she shouldn't. So the therapist asked CDQ if she wanted me in there.

That was... frustrating. At best.  Of course she isn't going to want me in there refuting her lies. Duh.

So off CDQ went. We wonder why kids are all screwed up in general...well hello people! Mental or not, apparently the kids rule the world and we are their servants.

I got the last 10 minutes with both of them. I want more than anything in the world not to feel the way I do right now. I want to trust this therapist. I want to know she understands.  But I don't feel that. She kept cutting me off.  She kept telling me it was ok for CDQ to tell lies and for me to tell her it was ok.

But to me it's not ok.

I'm the sole person to protect my family.  I feel like CDQ has all the power. One lie to the right person and my WHOLE family can be gone.  Think about it, put yourself in my shoes.

My husband is handicapped.  If someone tells a lie, even he can be removed from my home against his will and put in a home.  My other kids are thriving, if they are taken from me, I don't know if they will recover again. To them, I'll be just another person who lied to them.

Yes, I am being hyper vigilant like my kids because *I* don't have anyone who will have my back for my entire family.  One kid shouldn't have that power. But I feel like she does.

People with authority have gone out of their way to make me feel incompetent. I've been threatened twice. Not because I did anything, just because I was asking for help. Help for my kids. Help to make them whole again.

Then I have this stupid autoimmune disease that is triggered by stress and trauma. I have no insurance because I am terrified of being diagnosed officially and then being denied insurance or being forced to pay for an insurance that I won't be able to use for anything pertaining to the "pre-existing condition"which is my sole need for insurance in the first place.  I feel like everything is stacked against me.

I feel like our kids do. I feel like there is no safe place.

I feel like I'm letting go of CDQ.  This therapist seems so excited because I know about the things she is talking about (strong sitting, tapping, reiki, EMDR--she calls all but the last different things). I just wish she would hear me, this time it's different.  Like her, I don't believe in labels or meds.  But I do know that  mental disease runs in her family. I wish she wouldn't rule that out entirely.   I know all the kids aren't the same and yeah, maybe my other kids might relapse...but it's NOT the same.  There is something wrong with CDQ. Even the therapist was surprised that CDQ had never been in a RTC.

So, I am going to give her a shot. I will let her try her thing. Maybe the therapist does have somethings up her sleeve that I don't know about.  I still spoke to her and told her what CDQ was thinking, I told her that I needed to be kept in the loop and I told her how the other therapist had threatened me.  She said she would talk to me and that she would never do anything like what the other therapist did...but I sit and wonder if I didn't make a mistake telling her that? I mean if one therapist thought something like that, maybe it's a flag to another therapist.

I feel like I will just go through the motions.  If this ends badly, I guess in the end it will help when I go to disrupt the adoption because I did try.  But if it works.... if it works.... well, I don't know if I can let myself go there right now.

I wonder if some of you who are reading this are frustrated with me.  Maybe you think I have it coming because I seem to just be giving up. But sometimes I wonder if it's worth the fight, if maybe some place else isn't better for her.  I read about Gala and how she took in N and I see how much better N is doing with Gala and I have to wonder...sometimes...it's just the right thing. What if this is one of those times?

I have to say I AM at the end of my rope and I haven't tried this. I don't know whether to go with my gut feeling because my gut feeling is also rooted into the way I was brought up which I know was wrong.  (Control, power, strict---children should be seen and not heard, do not speak unless you are spoken too (grandparents)/if you just smack the kid and bully it, it will do as it's told (mother and stepfather). For clarity, that's the way I was raised not the way I am raising my kids AT ALL.) I feel like my gut feeling is more of a feeling of fear than anything else.  Maybe if she would have listened to me, but maybe it's true what she says... it doesn't really matter what CDQ is saying.  She didn't really say it like that, but she basically said that everything CDQ says and does comes from fear and that I shouldn't pay attention to what she says as much as I should work on making her feel safe.

This therapist is a certified Beyond Consequences trainer. She follows the love based approach of Heather Forbes and B. Bryan Post.  I've just started reading the book, she said things will be clearer after I have read the book and taken her parenting classes. I start my classes next Wednesday.   I wish I knew someone who has used this stuff. Someone who has had an attachment therapist who uses this stuff.  Because on the other side of the token, what if this is the answer. What if *I* am the one who doesn't "get it"?

She did some tapping, reiki and EMDR with CDQ today, should I be present for that stuff anyway?  She said for EMDR that I wouldn't be in the room anyway.

I just need to know that my family is safe.