Mother's Day

Well, Hubbins tried his best and did a good job to try to patch the day up for me.  But in the end it was Hubbins and the oldest who wished me a happy mother's day.  I can't forget either how Purries and Smudge greeted me in song when I walked through their "bedroom" door this morning. Lots of kitty love. The others...well, I just didn't exist for them today. 

Even my baby sister texted me happy mother's day, but she still slips and calls me mommy sometimes. (long story).  

I didn't expect anything from them, but it just sometimes reaffirms in me that I made a huge mistake. RAD or not. I know people say that adopted children are the same as bio children, but I just don't feel that way.  I also know my situation is different. 

Sometimes I feel like I cheated all of us by going through with the adoption. Sometimes, I feel like I cheated them out of a mother because maybe it would have been easier for them to attach to a complete stranger. And I feel like I cheated Hubbins and myself out of children because I struggle with the whole bio child issue and how these kids can and will damage any children we might have. Mentally, sexually, physically. 

GS makes it even harder when I am with all the "normal" kids.  I did day camp with them on Saturday and their love and affection just flows so freely and they are so carefree and innocent.  It's hard to switch from that place where those kids are genuinely happy and engaged and come back in to the tension and unhappiness and coldness.

Literally, coming in from the warmth of our yard with those kids, into our home. Why weren't my kids out? Because they had already started their "holiday" behavior. Stealing, lying, hating.  I had to protect the kids outside from my kids.  Because with my kids, it's totally acceptable to brag about how you broke a boys nose just because he sat too close to you. (which I don't even believe it is true) but with those kids, it makes them scared and sad to hear that and they actually cry just to hear the words. All I need is for them to tell their parents. Then I have to explain how my kids lie.  

Anyhow, I hope everyone had a Happy Mother's Day! 

Mood Swings anyone?

So Easter may have been a wash but yesterday was pretty damn cool if I do say so myself.  I was sad about being dumb and missing out on stuff with the kids but yesterday, I was ready and we did the Easter Egg Hunt.... of course...3 eggs are missing. I don't know about you, but we are always missing eggs every year. lol

We got stuff done!  The yard was a mess. Because I had to move dressers into closets we lost closet space that was for storage which meant when I emptied out our storage after we figured out we weren't moving a lot of stuff had no place to go inside. But now with my new method of storing the kids clothes and using the dressers that are still functional for our clothes.  Room was made and stuff was cleaned and put away outside. 

We also removed all the bricks from around the roses and trees.  We haven't put them back yet because we ran out of time but they are ready to dig the dirt out and re-set. See I live in the desert where the wind blows dirt freely and continuously.  So it has built up in the rings of the trees and roses. We have to get them dug out, plus this year we are adding a drip system.  I'm also going to have the kids help me plant some flower seeds. It's going to be a homeschool project.  I have a book on the environment I've been dying to incorporate so we will work on that. 

The weather has been really weird. Sunny one day, crappy the rest. I think it's contributing to my pain.  Sucks, but what can I do? That reminds me. I don't mind any suggestions or ideas for what other people take for the pain.  I need to be functional and I think the lack of being able to do things on some days is also messing with my head.   I've started taking iron for my anemia (which from what I read can be caused by RA too) so my stomach has been in turmoil. Bah. 

I should be getting health insurance within the next month now that I know my agency lied to  misinformed me about health insurance, but that is a post for another day. 

Surviving Easter

I don't know what my problem was yesterday. Maybe it was the overcast day. Maybe it was my sore joints and throbbing fingers and elbows, or maybe it was just exhaustion. But I just couldn't get into the holiday mood. 

I spent the entire day sleeping on and off. Trying not to move.  Hubbins and the kids cooked dinner. The dinner I planned. They dyed eggs with the egg dyes I carefully selected.  See, I had a plan. I was ready. 146 filled eggs for the hunt.  Lemon cupcakes and a strawberry cake were baked but left unfrosted and undecorated. 

I just couldn't... I couldn't even be mad or sad or anything. 

The night before we were able to make our Jesus cookies and I was able to participate with the opening of the tomb and the hollowed empty cookies in the morning but after that. I just couldn't. 

As the day progressed to night and I forced myself out there for dinner and then the opening of the baskets. I became a little angry with myself. The kids shared their decorated eggs and I realized I had missed that. Dinner was beyond delicious and I realized I'd missed out on the fun of being in there with everyone.  I just started to feel so sad that I missed it and angry because I had felt like I was just being lazy. 

After the kids went to bed, Hubbins and I came to watch some shows in our room. We both actually feel asleep. He in his chair and I in my bed.  When I woke up, Hubbins was still sleeping. I prepared his bed and wound dressings and waited for him to wake up enough to move to his spot so I could transfer him.   

I realized that most of my pain had diminished to the dull ache and I didn't hurt so bad. I felt like crying because it had been so long since the piercing pain had come and not stopped. 

Hubbins woke up and I thanked him for taking over the day. I felt so lucky and grateful to have someone else to do that for me. I've been thinking a lot about growing up with my mom. She was a single mother of 4 girls and I did as much as I could to help her. It was never enough.  But I know before she gave up and let my stepfather back in. She struggled. She struggled to survive, to provide, to stay sane, through all the pain...emotional and physical and she did it alone.  On some level, I understood. But I was just a kid and did the little that I could. 

Sometimes I am afraid that I am putting too much responsibility on some of the kids and other times I am worrying that I am not putting enough.  But then I know I am putting too much on myself.  I don't want to be like my mother even though I feel more and more like her with each passing day. 

I know despite everything. I am lucky compared to her because I have Hubbins who loves me and takes care of me and the kids the best he can. Even though I am hard to deal with and basically a total bitter bitch.  Even though I might not vocalize it enough or even show it. I know that I am lucky that I have Hubbins in my life.