I should be reading some attachment book or other, but instead I am reading The Memory Keeper's Daughter.
When I read these words:
"I couldn't live like you do," Norah said. Since Paul was born, since Phoebe had died, she'd felt the need to keep a constant vigil, as if a second's inattention would open the door for disaster. "I just couldn't do it- break all the rules. Blow everything up."
"The world doesn't end," Bree said quietly. "Amazing but it really doesn't."
Norah shook her head. "It could. At any given moment, anything could happen."
"I know," Bree told her. "Honey, I know." Norah's earlier irritation was washed away by a sudden rush of gratitude. Bree would always listen and respond, would not demand anything less but the truth of her experience. "You're right Norah, anything can happen, any time. But what goes wrong is not your fault. You can't spend the rest of your life tiptoeing around to try and avert disaster. It won't work. You'll just end up missing the life you have. "
It just cemented the fact that I am missing out on life. But even so, even if I could get a grip, what life of mine is left?
I'm so messed up, I can't sleep until Hubbins is asleep and has been asleep for awhile. Which means I am fighting for sleep until 3 am almost every night. I wake up a few hours later exhausted but the oldest needs to go to school. I know in my heart whatever will happen is going to happen and there is nothing I can do to stop it or change it. I know it's irrational thinking.
But I'm so afraid something will happen to him, he will end up in the hospital where he can't be alone, yet I have no one to call on to watch the kids anymore. So many times I feel the stress will kill me. Right now my left wrist and my right shoulder are in such pain. I have taken two aleves and nothing. In fact, I had taken the aleve for my shoulder and since then my wrist decided to join the party.
I'm tired of living in fear and in pain. When I try to change it up, I'll fall asleep before Hubbins, it ALWAYS ends badly, I end up being up with him ALL night because he is sick. I feel like I've tried so hard and it's never good enough. I feel like I have so many regrets and have made so many mistakes with my life and with who I let into it forever and now it's over.
5 comments:
Hugs! The Memory Keeper's Daughter is a great book, I couldn't put it down.
Remember, it's just fiction. Our lives are real and sometimes they stink. I have felt your feelings of failure too many times over the years to count...missed opportunities, wrong choices, etc. We live & learn. Some of us just require more learning, I guess.
I'm not sure if you're a believer, but my faith gets me through the tough times. God has a plan! I figure God saves the "good" stuff and the "hard" stuff for those of us who can handle it! Most people wouldn't make it through any of what you conquer everyday.
I'm sure others will have great words of wisdom, I don't...just know I understand!
I loved that book, too. The movie is so-so, but the book was fantastic. And it made me not fear having DS kid anymore.
Sasha, I'm praying for you. I wish I were closer and that you'd trust me enough to be there with the kids and your hubby so that you could have some time to yourself...especially so you could sleep.
I had hoped that as you got involved in GS or at church you would make a friend who could be that support for you. I'm so sad that that hasn't happened. You have been saddled with a lot---a hugely unfair amount.
You are bearing the weight of many lives right now and you have the right to feel heavy.
As for hubs, can you get him an alarm that will sense when he stops breatihng normally or monitors him in some other way? Cause seriously, you need sleep and you need to feel secure once you fall asleep. I can't even imagine how hard that must be.
For me, Taoism is my thing. It is what gets me through and lets me accept each day for what it is. It doesn't make the crappy days any less crappy. Nothing really fixes that. But I have always dealt with depression and feeling like I am losing control, so I needed something that helped me accept the crappiness. I'm not pushing it or anything. Just saying that it helps me. :)
May peace be with you.
You have every right to feel that way. Yet you need to get some sleep! Have you tried tapping on your fears?
Sending you a hug and hoping that you get some much needed rest.
Yikes! Who's reading my blog and linking to it?????
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