It's 6:30 am

and here I sit after trying to sleep with no success. I stared at the ceiling for hours for no apparent reason.  I just couldn't sleep. 

Normally, I only have to endure this torture until 4 am/ 4:30 at the latest. But for some reason, sleep didn't come last night. I wasn't in pain. I hadn't fallen asleep before bed.  

What gives? 

I'm exhausted. I don't do caffeine. I didn't eat any sugar or sweets I guess I should say. 

I did catch the oldest stealing. She hasn't been taking a proper lunch. There is sandwich stuff ( turkey breast, ham, pb) and there are fruits (apples -3 varieties, bananas and oranges) and there used to be fruit snacks, little bags of chips and juices until I found out I was supplying them for half the 6th grade. But what do I find? Hubbins special Goldfish crackers ( a splurge for him), a marshmallow bunny wrapper and 4 jolly rancher wrappers in her lunch box. 

Color me pissed. 

I've noticed the school's concern for the oldest's lunch in comments she had made but I thought they were talking about the fact that I stopped the Capri Sun's and just sent a water bottle that she refuses to take with her.  And I also eliminated the fruit snacks because hello, 5 kids is enough for me to buy for, I don't need to supply her friends with fruit snacks and whatever other random kid she's trying to buy attention from at the moment, you know?

She insists she got the stuff from her friends. But c'mon... I know what the "easter bunny" brought her.  I also just refilled my jolly ranchers and wondered where the hell they went because Hubbins can't get one for himself so he has to ask me for them. They are also located in my bedroom which is off limits to everyone. I get especially pissed when they take Hubbins snacks because he is on a restricted diet and those little things are treats for him. 

Boy oh boy are things going to change in this house when the oldest finishes school and I start homeschooling.  She has been getting away with so much, just wait until she's on a schedule just like the others. She's going to wish she had just done the easy things that were asked of her.  I keep telling them, if I can't trust them now over nothing, there's no way I am going to trust them later with important things. 

I don't know about you guys, but some days for me...it's just getting them to 18 without kids of their own and in one piece.  

I hate the f'ing c#$%  of their "mother".  I don't know why she still breathes.  I've always said my mom aborted the wrong one.  Now who's paying for it??? 

Which reminds me, day before yesterday at the dinner table... Hubbins catches Poufy doing something and corrects her. I don't even know what it was but Poufy is giving me looks with her eyes like she wants to kill me...WTF???  I'm oblivious to what she got in trouble for because I'm helping the boy with his ABC's, yet I get the death glares? 

Sometimes, I want to tell them to save it for when they meet up with their mother and give that crap to her. She earned it. 

I'm tired. There are too many of them and I don't think any of them will become productive in anything other than creating more children that will be abused and neglected. That haunts me. Maybe that's why I can't get any sleep.