Don't want to be a whiner...

Guys, don't worry about me. I'll be ok.  I'm just in a rough patch. 

I think I have Rheumatoid Arthritis.  Hell, who am I kidding. All I need is a Doctor's seal on it.

I've been having extreme joint pain to the point where I can't move. My arms, wrists, elbows, shoulders, ankles, fingers, toes, legs, knees. It's random and it moves and it's on both sides and nothing works. 

I used to take children's chewable tylenol (1 tablet) and be out within 10 minutes. I'm taking two @leves and nuttin'.  It's also  interfering with my sleep because if I do fall asleep and I am in pain, moving my leg or my arm or whatever hurts jolts me awake and then the anxiety kicks in and the next thing I know it's 4 in the morning and I'm still streaming movies or shows off of Netflix. Which I have to add, some of those BBC movies of classic literature that last 6 or more hours are pretty damn good! :-) 

At any rate, I was talking to Hubbin's home health nurse today and I was so exhausted. I told her some of the trouble I've been having and right off the bat she said it sounded like RA. I hadn't even mentioned it to her. But I know in my heart, it's what I have. 

I love to cross-stitch and crochet and I was teaching myself to knit. I like working outside with my roses and flowers. 

I like cake decorating and baking. 

I liked using my elliptical and I think the Wii Fit is fun, even if it makes my Mii so fat she can't put her arms down on her sides and she keeps twisting and turning to try to see her big butt. (Side note... since I got the Wii Fit, I've only been able to use it about a handful of times and have actually lost 5 lbs! My physical trainer on the Wii Fit can't complain either! LOL I LOVE IT!) 

I need my hands and my arms.  I need to be able to move. Taking care of Hubbins is very physically demanding. I transfer him from his bed to chair and back again every day. Even when I am in pain.  I do medical procedures on him that require me to pull and lift and turn him everyday. I do it all in pain and if Flo is visiting like yesterday. I just want to sit and die. 

I'm also predisposed to having joint issues because I am a pill baby and my joints didn't fully develop.  

All this has me down. The nurse recommended I take cinnamon for the pain. She told me if I go to the doctor that they will want to prescribe steroids and then narcotics and that since I am already building up a tolerance for pain meds, those things will no longer work in the long run and I will still have the damage to my bones, joints, muscles, etc... 

She's taking cinnamon for her pain and she said she doesn't have to take anymore pills for it.  So, I have some hope and today I was pretty good as far as the pain went. I'm sort of embarrassed to say it, but I think the weather has something to do with my pain too. When it's cold it hurts so bad. It's not cold in our house but if it's cold outside it hurts me. *blush*

Things could be worse, I'll be ok.  My kid made honor roll. We have a week off for Easter Break. I'm happy. 

Incidentally, I discovered that our CY$FD has a lending library and they are offering attachment courses. I'm excited and scared.  I noticed one of our local social workers follows J's blog and the blog for the local CY@FD people links to Lisa's blog. 

I'm scared because I have been threatened before by the local  CY@FD that if I couldn't do this they would take the kids from me, that was when we asked for services. I don't know what they could do now that the kids are ours. But it scares me. It's not the social worker we had. Our social worker knew nothing about RAD. 

I'm excited though because this social worker must know, or understand some of it if she is reading J's blog. I should hope.  I'm also excited because they have all the books and DVDs I wanted to read and watch. (including yours Lisa).  

It's so funny how I came across their blog. I couldn't even tell you how but it was less than 5 minutes after I had placed an order at @mazon. I think I was doing a search for that Give Me A Break DVD set.  Any how... I'm excited to get my paws on those materials. 

I was also doing some research on sleep aids. Surprisingly, not for me. But for CDQ. I've noted that she's been awake at all hours like myself and she's been especially cranky, rubbing her eyes, etc... I imagine she looks like me if I were to look at myself in the mirror. LOL! 

I bought some sleepy time tea. I was thinking of buying some of that calming baby body wash and having her bathe at night before bed.  That reminds me, I forgot I was going to buy that guided imagery book. 

Anyhow, I'll be ok. Just a rough patch. 

An anniversary celebration...

My kids were acting out a teeny tiny bit the past two days. I've been able to pull them back before it went too far and I was already suspecting this might come to be. Nobody's voiced it yet, but they never do. This year I thought I'd beat them to the punch.

Today is the day Bela was murdered. There has been increased talk about what happened to her and this time even the oldest wanted to hear what happened instead of plugging her ears and yelling for them to shut up. I've decided to make today a celebration of her life and we will talk about the things she loved (chocolate and dancing) and who she was becoming. I'm thinking I will ask them if they want to write about their favorite times with her.

My kids are deathly afraid of forgetting her. Forgetting what she was like, her b-day, what she looked like, etc... I think I am going to help them make a memory book of her compiled of their memories and times together with her. I don't know if it's the wrong thing to do but I just feel from them that they are ready and it's not necessarily moving on but I guess it's that place where they aren't so mad about it anymore and they can share happy times and laugh about it.

If they want to feel sad today, I will let them feel that. I'm not going to try to steer them away from their feelings but I am going to try to make this a positive day, instead of the day Mike killed Bela, I want to encourage them not to give Mike that power anymore and instead make this the day we celebrate Bela's life.