Still blogging...

It seems like ages since I've been here.

Hubbins upgraded our internet and the company did a bang up job of getting us crossed over to the faster speed but totally forgot to send us the new modem for it so we've been without internet.  I have internet on my cell phone but I can't imagine blogging from there.

Also today, the oldest helped me move my computer closer to me so I could actually use it.

I met with CDQ's new counselor who told me he had called me in because they are at a standstill with CDQ and basically can't help her anymore. He wanted me to sign her transfer to a treatment foster home. Like that's going to make a difference, we were a treatment foster home.  This on the heels of a local news report where a 15 and 16 year old beat a treatment foster care mother to death because she would not let them take her minivan. They killed her and took it anyway.

He told me that she says if she comes back home she's "just going to rip the place apart." Oh and she wants a baby.  He said the only reason she wants contact with her siblings is so she can keep control over them. He told me I had to make a decision and I think he was blown away by the decision I made.

He told me I can't save the world. He told me CDQ is always going to be unhappy even if she had everything she ever wanted. He told me I am not responsible for her actions and that I should not feel guilty. He told me I should  live again, I should take care of my health because I have a family who depends on me and I have a whole life ahead of me. He told me I should have bio children if I want (CDQ has threatened to harm any biological children I might have). Basically, he said my success rate with RAD children is better then the center's and there's nothing to be done. He told me to let the system deal with it.  He thinks she will do well in the foster home because no one will try to bond with her.

After many buts, ands, ifs, etc...  on my part, I realized this is the end of the road. I don't want CDQ to grow up in the system. But the writing is on the wall. She can't come back either. So I asked for a dissolution.  I requested she be put back up for adoption. He didn't know the process and told me he would get back to me on it.  I think I need to hire a lawyer.

This is it, I don't expect anyone to understand but I know some of you will. But this IS something I can do for her. If we are not the right family, I won't be selfish and force her to live in the system. Maybe she will be adopted and maybe it will be a wonderful family like some of my readers and she'll flourish and grow and won't throw her life away. Maybe with someone else she can turn it around. I have to at least give her that chance, you know?

I sometimes feel like I am going crazy because even though this child has abused me and has the power to make me physically ill, I still feel like I'm losing a child. If it seems like I am talking a lot about myself, I am the only person I can speak for. I can tell you what the others have said: they all wrote notes that they never want to see her again. It seemed so easy for them and so definite. I know she's hurt them too, probably way more then she's hurt me since she's attempted to kill a couple of them. But I feel so selfish and foolish when I start to think that I can still change things. The kids have spoken and I would be putting them in danger again.

Things are so different here. The kids are relaxed and thriving. My doctor and his wife came over for Hubbins birthday last weekend and this whole week they have been telling me how impressed they were by my children.  They couldn't believe they didn't argue and had no problems taking turns on the Wii and that they were so helpful in preparation and cooking.

The boy has been having some trouble, it's faded now, but I think he's remembered some stuff. I anticipate in a week or two he will have some new revelations about his trauma or it could just be backlash from the celebrations last weekend and Father's day this weekend...but let me tell you the extent of how well our house is doing ( and internet please don't jinx me. lol)

There was a disagreement this morning.  Get this... the disagreement was over WHO was going to do a chore.  They weren't fighting that it wasn't their turn or anything like that. They both wanted to do it. How many people would die for their kids to have that disagreement? Here's the real shocker. The chore wasn't a regular chore but it was a poo accident the dog had. Yep two of my kids were arguing over who was going to pick up dog poo.  I am so blessed. lol

It was hard to lecture them about it but I had to nip it in the bud before it spread to other things...one child had grabbed another child from the shirt and that wasn't ok. But my kids can do things together now and I don't have to constantly be hovering over them. It's safe.

They are moving on and I am so proud of them. 

Everything is going to be ok...

Deep breaths and lots of tapping. ;-)

I'll try to write more tonight...

But for now, I'm working on change, change, change...

I did a full mental makeover of myself over 15 years ago and I'm starting it again.  This time I'm trying to take other people with me in this transformation.  If it works great, if it doesn't at least I know I can change myself.

BTW, thanks to all my readers for reading and caring and just basically putting up with my whining as I tried to find my way through this.

Sometimes the only way out is through, ya know?

So I leave you with some Maya Angelou, who I love to pieces and has been helping me make it through...

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

The free bird leaps 

on the back of the win 

and floats downstream 

till the current ends 

and dips his wings 

in the orange sun rays 

and dares to claim the sky. 

But a bird that stalks 

down his narrow cage 

can seldom see through 

his bars of rage 

his wings are clipped and 

his feet are tied 

so he opens his throat to sing. 

The caged bird sings 

with fearful trill 

of the things unknown 

but longed for still 

and his tune is heard 

on the distant hill for the caged bird 

sings of freedom 

The free bird thinks of another breeze 

an the trade winds soft through the sighing trees 

and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn 

and he names the sky his own. 

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams 

his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream 

his wings are clipped and his feet are tied 

so he opens his throat to sing 

The caged bird sings 

with a fearful trill 

of things unknown 

but longed for still 

and his tune is heard 

on the distant hill 

for the caged bird 

sings of freedom.

Maya Angelou

I want to be free. 

1-0!

That is the number of years the judge gave the kids for their restraining order to remain in effect!

Can you believe it?

I was floored!

A weight has been lifted!

I couldn't wait to come home and tell the kids. I wanted to do it in person.  They were so happy.  It's the first justice they've been given since all this has started.

I read them the restraining order and explained what each part meant. I saw a genuine smile from CDQ.  After all I had explained to them in their terms, the boy still had to verify that she indeed could NOT come in contact with them in any form (the judge crossed out the except portion and wrote in NO EXCEPTIONS!).

Afterwards, SS came into my room and clung to me. Her hands were soooo cold.  She must've been so scared. They knew when I left where I was going.

I knew what this restraining order would mean for me and my ability to protect them. But I didn't know it meant so much to them as well.

So today, we have a restraining order party.  Pizza and cupcakes and maybe a little swimming in the pool.

*deep breath*
I can breathe again and in some ways, I suspect they can too.

Back to our regular programming...

This was written last night but posted tonight. This morning when we took my Grandmother's blood it was 178. The lowest it's been since she came for her visit! YES!  Hoping it continues to go down.

Strangely enough, the stuff hit the fan about an hour and a half after I got a hit from Tucson...Hmmmm.... I wonder how they are going to explain the fact that since she's been gone (a week Friday) her bank account has dropped down to $136.  There are no transactions from my state, ya know? The one she's actually been in the last week. I know this because she hasn't even taken her purse with her when she goes out.  Everything she needs or wants is paid for.

She said she didn't want to go back, so I told her she could stay here as long as she wants and even live here if she wants to. Of course, she was mad....so I don't know whether to believe she truly wants to live here. I heard her tell the lady at the bank over the phone that she likes it here and that she's going places and is in no hurry to get back.

I'm worried for her.
========================================================================

Things here are going great!

My grandmother isn't nearly as bad off as everyone is saying. I think people need to stop talking around her and talk to her. I've held numerous conversations with her and she's held her own just fine. I don't think people ask her anything, I think they just tell her.    

She made me tear up the first night because she said she had something to tell me. She told me she was glad she got a chance to see me again before she dies.  I could tell it was important to her to tell me that. I told her she's no where near dying and that's when I realized people are treating her like she has one foot in the grave and that's just not the case.

I was so angry. She got here with clothes that had holes in them, the shirt she was wearing was a shirt that I happened to remember seeing on her when her and I visited California in the 80s when I was 9 or so, I used to have a picture somewhere. It was new then, but now it was at least 2 sizes too small and instead of buttons it was being held closed by safety pins.  I should have taken a picture of it.

Instead, I went straight to the store and bought her some new shirts and shorts and undies, etc... I also bought her a new nightie.  It makes me sad too because my grandmother has given up in that respect. She would have never gone out in public like that.

She seems happier now though. She's been working on jigsaw puzzles and she even sewed a felt heart and teddy bear by hand. She went shopping the day before last. She was ready to have her hair done but the lady I like wasn't in. She's supposed to get it done Friday and she's really excited.

Today I bought her a new recliner. There was an awesome Father's Day sale out here and I was able to get her this really cool recliner that has heat and massage. It even has a cooler for her drinks in the arm rest and a place for her to put all her magazines and tissue.  I think the name of the recliner is "The Tailgater". It's the cutest thing. It came with one of those can snuggie thingies.

I have some concerns about her health. There are things that I think aren't right. I've discovered that she hasn't been taking her diabetes or alzheimer's medications regularly. Case in point, she has patches she's supposed to wear for memory. These appear to have been prescribed in April and there haven't been any refills since. She still had 15 patches left from that first box.  When my mom and I gave her a shower I discovered she was wearing two patches. My mom doesn't know who put the patch on her lower back but she is only supposed to wear one at a time.

I spoke with Hubbins home health nurse about diabetes and she was really informative and helpful. We try to buy as much organic as we can, you know- veggies and fruit and now I'm buying with carbs and sugar counts in mind. My grandmother is eating healthy now, she hasn't had any Coke either. I've bought her flavored waters that have less than one gram of sugar, no calories and 4 carbs. We've cut back on the white stuff- bread, rice, etc... and we've increased her protein a little.

She does have some stiffness, but she appears to be getting stronger and more mobile. I worry that she might fall going to the bathroom but she's not limping so much. Instead of my mom and I holding her under each arm, I can now hold her hand and walk her to the bathroom.  Hubbins has a potty chair that is helping her tremendously. It's kind of funny because she loves it.  It's not so hard on her knees and she doesn't have to drop down because the seat is higher and wider like an actual chair.  It has arm rests to help her get up and down too. I noticed she's not getting up as often to go to the bathroom. The first few nights we were up between 18-20 times. Last night she didn't get up to potty at all. Tonight has been moderate so far but she drank a ton because she was trying out the flavored waters.

My mom also bought her a shower chair. We haven't tried that yet. I had just put a folding chair in my shower but already she was liking that. She only has a tub at her house, but I have a walk in shower.

I had bought Hubbins a really nice wheelchair when we were first dating because I thought it would work as a shower/potty chair but because of his contractures it didn't work. I'm glad we didn't get rid of it. It works wonderfully for my grandmother. When her and my mother went shopping, we packed up the chair and they were out for hours. My mom pushed my grandmother in the chair and my grandmother pushed the shopping cart. lol! I didn't go with them, but I bet it was a sight.

Right now she has a cough that is worrying me. She has a lot of congestion. I don't know what is causing it. I thought it might be allergies at first but my mom said she's had the cough for years.

I've never seen pictures of my grandmother smiling and I've actually taken pictures of her here at my house smiling and laughing AND looking at the camera. That's big stuff right there. I will treasure this time and everything she has touched here. I'd like for her to stay here because I think it would be the best thing for her. But I know she has a life back in Arizona.  I worry that if she were to go back she would deteriorate. I know it's a hard call for people and I know I have a lot on my plate (so it would seem)  but she's no where near death's door and I think her best option would be to continue to thrive here.  With all that I have written can you believe it's only been 4 days since she's came here.

Just knowing there is an additional adult in my home has decreased my stress levels tremendously. My grandmother's needs are simple and so easy compared to my RAD experiences that it doesn't even stress me out. My situation doesn't seem so heavy anymore.  I don't have to worry that if something were to happen I wouldn't have anyone to take care of my kids or be at the hospital.  My RA appears to be in remission. I have some soreness but my muscles are getting stronger and no inflammation.

Over the last two weeks I've installed two air conditioners: one was 48 lbs and the other was 118 lbs.  I did well. I helped the movers with boxes and stuff over the weekend and I had some stiffness. Nothing major.  Just today, I put together the recliner and pulled in and installed our replacement freezer and I'm still doing great. Don't mistake this for bragging, I'm just so surprised.

I'll have to tell you about the shed fiasco because I also tried to put a shed together last week. Because of that, I now have to make a trip to the dealership for my van. My luck!

But I'm sure this is already waaaay too long and I've probably bored everyone.

Hope everyone is well.

Shh...

I'm trying not to jinx myself but I think I found the problem with my computer.

Oh yeah, you all don't know that I was having a computer problem because the damn thing kept freezing up every stinkin time I typed or used the mouse.  I was ready to stomp the thing when I finally came across the patch to fix it. So far so good, knock on wood.

It's two days until my mom and grandmother come. There has been plenty of drama in the mean time but my kids are kicking ass (again hoping not to jinx it).

Things are going well, Hubbins sore is so close to gone we can see the end of the tunnel, literally. His 5 cm and 4 cm tunneling pressure sores are now at .3 cm each.  We can see the bottom of the sores coming up close to the top layer.  I haven't forgotten the post on the wound vac.  I need to upload pics now that my computer is working, but it's a little miracle worker that must be shared.

As for me, this post is coming to you pain free.  I've had pain today, but I've had hardly any inflammation at all and my muscles are getting stronger. This will make more sense when I explain my research and the vitamins and supplements that I am taking that took away the inflammation.  No inflammation reduces the pain by at least 90% AFTER my muscles started to repair themselves.

This might be TMI and it might even be premature but I am so elated I have to share.

You all know Aunt Flo, I'm sure. For me,  the past 10 years or so I have had terrible knock down periods where I've found myself face to the cool floor hunched over.  Let's just say once upon a time every blue moon I would have to take a children's chewable tylenol and I would be out in 10-15 minutes. Then it changed to Mi-dol, A-leve, to finally several Ibuprofen and nothing would help the pain.  My periods would start and stop and then start up again (this actually will come into play when I post about my health later). Anyhoo, to make a short story long, my last cycle was a dream.  I had one persistent cramp, no lags, and none of that other stuff (without getting too graphic, which I hope I haven't done so already).

Of course, I am sooooo suspicious that Flo may come later and this might be caused by stress (even though it was right on time for my cycle), because believe me I am so stressed out right now...if only you guys knew the stuff that was hitting the fan across state lines with family crap (I will tell later, after all the legal matters are settled).  But I've been pretty faithful to taking better care of myself then I had been.  So, who knows.

Anyhow, I might be gone again with all the moving stuff the next week or so but I'm looking forward to some time with my working computer and getting all the posts I've been wanting to write written.

Trying not to get my hopes up and to keep my excitement contained, but things are looking up around here even if my house is a disaster zone at the moment. I've had my inflammation controlled for about a month and a half now and I just seem to be getting stronger. Still have some days of deep fatigue and possibly depression from that...but good overall.

Hope all is well with you guys.

I have not abandoned my blog...

I am still waiting for a computer. I haven't bitched too much about it. Well actually I wrote a really long post filled with three hours worth of bitching (slow computer) and just (literally) as I was about to click on publish, Apple called me and offered me a shiny new computer with a bigger screen, better processor, kick ass graphics and larger hard drive. All I have to do is send the old one back and wait for the new one to come.

WHOO HOOO!!!!!!

So, um, yeah....that's why I haven't bitched too much about it.

As we say in our house...it's so awesome--it's BE-AWESOME! (Hubbins and my weird take on Bolt and Rhino from the movie Bolt.)

Speaking of Hubbins, I don't know if I updated about his Health or not. Basically we (Hubbins and I) figured out he has a yeast infection for oh...about 2 months or so now. He's been on meds for it but since it's been so long we need to make sure it isn't systemic by now. I'll have to go back in my blog and see what I have told you about this whole situation so far. It sucks and it's ridonkulous. I am just so glad we figured it out. We aren't completely out of the woods, but at least we know what it is now and the spasms are almost completely gone.

I'll also have to leave a note here to remind myself to tell you about Black Friday and how I was almost a crying mess. I miss writing, I have so much to say.I was already so far behind and now I'm not even sure I will remember. I should get a little notepad and jot stuff down.

I have been trying unsuccessfully to read blogs but this computer is almost unbearable. It's enough just to try and Facebook on it. Hopefully,the new computer will arrive this week!

Doing stuff for me...

*Warning- Language*

My life...my life has been spent doing things for others, taking care of others, etc... The only thing I've ever done for myself is my education and that was more of a life or death type of thing for me. I can go to school and have a life or I can just die in this family circle of crap.

So I went to school and it took me 10 years to do it by myself and as soon as I finished and thought life was finally going to happen to me, I got the first push to the ground that is going to keep me there for the majority of my youth and about 2 years later, I got the second push that is going to ensure that I will never be able to live for myself... at least that's how it seems.

Soooo... it's been kind of hard for me to think of things for me to do just for myself. Everybody keeps asking me that and over time, I've grown bitter and resentful because it's been brought to my attention just how much of a life I don't have. By that I mean how my life is spent doing things for everyone else.

I get tired of the fact that I can't do one damned thing without someone asking for something, wanting or needing something or even being criticized for the little things I do end up doing for myself.

For example, I've started to take the Wii Fitness test everyday because as lame as it is, I need exercise. It lasts ONLY 5 minutes and then tells me I'm 3 times my age. I can hear the kids on the intercom... "She's always playing the Wii "(this was on the second day of me doing this, we've had the Wii for over a year) "Why does SHE get to play the Wii?" and its like this for everything. If I am on the computer paying bills or doing Girl Scout stuff than to them I am playing a game. If I am reading a book, (even though it's about RAD or them) I am always reading. If I am watching a tv show, all I do is watch tv.

To say I am sick of their bullshit is an understatement. Children or not. I've gotten to the point where I want to tell them to go fuck themselves. I won't but it inches up my throat and I have to go to my room and even then someone asks me for something "really quick" on the way.

I realized that they can really just kiss my fat ass... after all since they've been here, there is now a space for all of them to fit comfortably side by side and still find their own personal spot to kiss.

Can you sense my anger?

What struck me was a conversation I had with a friend yesterday. She was talking about how she had wanted to finish school and if she does that's ok and if she doesn't well that's ok too. She knows that she was put here to raise her children and she's completely happy with that.

I wonder if this is what I had chosen, or if I had really had a choice in this whole matter if I would've felt the same. If my kids had another decent family member to go to and I made the choice to keep them here. It would have been a choice but because it was either me or the system and I've seen the system it became no choice and then to cement it further, the state pushing us into the adoption...well... yeah. Not much of a choice.

I want to be happy and I want to have a life. I'm more aware of happy people I come across now and I look at them and try to figure out how to get that...happiness. We have good times sure but I don't think any of us are really happy.

I don't feel like I am Sasha any more. I am just a servant here going through the motions. Hubs and I had a conversation because he can't understand why I am so unhappy and angry all the time. He thinks because I have use of my body that I should just be grateful for that. He said he would trade me places. What I tried to explain to him is for him to go back to when he was first shot and to think about the years that came after in the beginning and how he felt every time he learned that he would not be able to do something ever again and it wasn't by his choice.

I asked him, would it be worse to you to be how you are right now, unable to do anything physically because of your condition or worse to be able to physically do the things you want and know that you can but be unable to do them anyway. I didn't really get an answer from him. To me the latter is worse. Plus, he, like the kids, seems to think that the use of my body to do things for them is on demand and not really an option or even a question for me. I know he will argue that he would do things for himself if he could and that is probably true but since he can't ...blah, blah, blah... (In the time I typed that sentence, I've been asked to do things by two different people already, three if you count the cat.) I know I'm coming across as insensitive but I am tired of it all. When Hubs thinks something grand is "letting me" (those are the words...) take a shower...well...

Don't get me wrong, I mean we aren't some couple that belongs on Maury or anything. He doesn't boss me but just saying it in that way that he does irks me. lol

I thought I got away from the family cycle and I've been sucked back in and down. I sometimes wish I would have just been a fuck up like the rest of them because at least I would have made my own choices. It's hard to take the road less traveled. Especially when you can see how free the fuck ups are living without a care or a worry about anyone but themselves.

Now that I've given you the background of how I feel, next time, I am going to write about doing for myself and the things I have planned...and there are real plans! I am excited!!!

Yesterday

So yesterday...the kids were having such a great day that I was on the fence on whether to tell them what day it was. I was surprised every single one of them had forgotten, but I thought maybe it was a positive step? Who knows?

Lately the kids have been reminiscing on good times in OUR home. They always talk about the fun times with friends or bad times with their foster parents or bio parents and never anything that they have done here. I know it's not because of a lack of fun here. But like I said within the last three weeks the kids have been talking about some of the things that we've done as a family since their placement over 2 years ago. For me that was big. I don't know why, but it just seemed big.

Part of me figured if they didn't remember then maybe it was a good thing but the other part of me remembered the looks on their faces when two of them realized they had forgotten her birthday. It wasn't good and it didn't help that one of the ones who remembered was CDQ and she wouldn't let anyone else forget that they forgot. ARGH!

I decided to bite the bullet and bring it up over cupcakes after dinner. There were tears... all mine. I know such a wuss. I was able to steer it away and it ended in laughter and some interesting stories about Bela. Like how she could stick her entire foot in her mouth! and how her first word was "mine!"

I cried, not for Bela, but because as I looked around the table just before I told them, I saw their expectant faces, there wasn't an angry face, or a sad face or a blank face. There were smiles, wonder, each kid was *there* and was happy to be there and it made me cry because for the first time ever in my life, I was looking at family and it seemed like no matter how many times we might fall back, we will still always be moving forward...together.

Why I've been quiet... or that post that may be renamed to "How I jinxed it all..."

My kids... are you ready... my kids are behaving. Or as my youngest would say "we are being have." lol

No fighting, tantrums, stealing, lies are minimal, manners are being put back into place.

They are smiling. They are getting along and learning how to talk to each other nicely. Sure it hasn't even been a week, but it's almost like when they were first placed in our house.
I want to spend time with them...my house, my house has been quiet and I have been able to accomplish things.

We went out in public. Just me and the four Radishes. We went to the gas station, library, and McDonald's. No one got their panties in a wad and they were lil angels in the library. The librarians were beaming at them as they lined up with their books under their arms. No shoving, yelling, nothing. CDQ even found a wallet on the floor and came and got me to let me know, it turned out it was the wallet of a man who was sitting nearby helping his son. He thanked me for telling him and I let him know it was CDQ who had alerted me and he thanked her. She was beaming.

I am proud of them. I noticed that around 10 am is when they start to act up or I guess the proper term is deregulate ( I think, still learning) so I call the two 7 year olds out just before then and they do their strong sitting and go back to their rooms while CDQ and SS do their strong sitting. I don't know if I will continue with that the way they want me to because it doesn't help as much as the tapping does.

They all stand apart and we do tapping together. As they are tapping, they just seem to get happy and all that stuff that was building up melts away as they start to giggle and tap. I can see that tapping changes their attitude. It makes them happy. Especially SS. I don't know what it is about it. I should record a session because you can see how they are standing around and their facial expressions are sort of bored, angry, expectant (depends on the kid) and then they just like hop to attention when it starts and they start to beam and giggle. They are happy when it's done and they tend to stay that way.

They need help with the rubbing, I've noticed they don't really know what is making them feel the way they do.

For example, and this was an eye opener for me. CDQ keeps trying to hang from the back of Hub's wheelchair. This causes Hubs to have spasms which aren't good as it is because it is painful for him and even worse now because he has pressure sores that are healing. The spasms can tear them more.

I've told them a hundred times at least not to touch his chair because it is a part of his body so touching him there is like touching his butt. I thought that would work.

Anyhow, she was pulling on his chair and I was across the room from her, to me I said "CDQ, stop hanging on Hub's chair already."

She left and then I thought I heard crying on the intercom. I thought something had happened. So, I called out what's going on (I was in the process of moving furniture and had blocked myself in...I know, bright.) That's when Poufy piped up that CDQ was crying. I asked why and Poufy said that CDQ had said "If she doesn't like me, why doesn't she just say it?"

This...was news to me. Not like her? Where did she get that from? Seriously, I was stunned. I wasn't even mad at her or even exasperated when I said it for the gazillionth time. It was like a routine reminder from my point of view.

Apparently, all this time, the kids think I am yelling at them. I have hearing loss and because of that the volume on my voice has gotten, well... louder. I don't think I'm yelling. But how the hell do I know, I can't hear. lol It's really bad when there is background noise. I keep telling them to speak up because I can't hear. I guess I'll have to have a hearing test done again. I know I had one like 5 or 6 years ago and they told me they couldn't do anything about it then because it was minimal but that it would progress. Maybe I need a hearing aid now.

So, I called all of them out and we talked about my hearing loss and fear rubbing. I used CDQ's situation as an example and I told her that she must have felt afraid from me telling her what not to do that maybe I didn't like her and I asked if she thought she felt that..she didn't really respond so I said well if you felt that then instead of crying and starting to feel bad you might do the rubbing and say "Even though I am afraid my Mom/Aunt doesn't like me, I am a terrific kid and both my parents love me and accept me as I am." She liked that...a lot. I think she realizes that we do feel that way about her. Which makes me sad.

There is a lot of talking going on too. Again, CDQ--she said she didn't think she would ever get married because she doesn't trust people. I sadly couldn't help her. I think it's good she doesn't trust people. Maybe not at the level she is where she doesn't trust but I don't know...trusting people is something *I* am still working on. I have to think more about what to say to them about trusting people. I guess at some point, I trusted. I married Hubs but we had our problems where he shattered my trust and it's taken a long time to get to the point where I am now and even then it's not completely solid and I know it's alllll me.

Another development, the beginning of a support system. My Brownie co leader(L) is awesome, (so is my Daisy co leader (M) for that matter.) her kids and my kids can't get enough of each other. After the meeting Wednesday L and I were talking. She doesn't know anything about RAD but she listens and she understands there are things to learn about my kids and their disorders and she's willing to learn about them. She actually brought up the subject of family and a support system. I told her it was just us. She said she was more than willing to be a support to us if needed. She told me even if I just needed a nap! Her house is where all the kids get together and play and there's always kids there. She said what ever we needed and what ever she needed to know, she's willing and I know she is sincere.

I think this will work, even our husbands get along-- they are both geeks with endless trivia knowledge and completely hit it off after the GS ceremony. Does any one know how I should go about educating L so that the kids don't play her? I thought about giving her a copy of Nancy Thomas' Letter to the teacher for starters just because so much of the behaviors are mentioned there. I also don't want to overwhelm her. For those of you who may have a respite worker or some other support, how do you get those people up to speed so that they could be a help?