Doing stuff for me...

*Warning- Language*

My life...my life has been spent doing things for others, taking care of others, etc... The only thing I've ever done for myself is my education and that was more of a life or death type of thing for me. I can go to school and have a life or I can just die in this family circle of crap.

So I went to school and it took me 10 years to do it by myself and as soon as I finished and thought life was finally going to happen to me, I got the first push to the ground that is going to keep me there for the majority of my youth and about 2 years later, I got the second push that is going to ensure that I will never be able to live for myself... at least that's how it seems.

Soooo... it's been kind of hard for me to think of things for me to do just for myself. Everybody keeps asking me that and over time, I've grown bitter and resentful because it's been brought to my attention just how much of a life I don't have. By that I mean how my life is spent doing things for everyone else.

I get tired of the fact that I can't do one damned thing without someone asking for something, wanting or needing something or even being criticized for the little things I do end up doing for myself.

For example, I've started to take the Wii Fitness test everyday because as lame as it is, I need exercise. It lasts ONLY 5 minutes and then tells me I'm 3 times my age. I can hear the kids on the intercom... "She's always playing the Wii "(this was on the second day of me doing this, we've had the Wii for over a year) "Why does SHE get to play the Wii?" and its like this for everything. If I am on the computer paying bills or doing Girl Scout stuff than to them I am playing a game. If I am reading a book, (even though it's about RAD or them) I am always reading. If I am watching a tv show, all I do is watch tv.

To say I am sick of their bullshit is an understatement. Children or not. I've gotten to the point where I want to tell them to go fuck themselves. I won't but it inches up my throat and I have to go to my room and even then someone asks me for something "really quick" on the way.

I realized that they can really just kiss my fat ass... after all since they've been here, there is now a space for all of them to fit comfortably side by side and still find their own personal spot to kiss.

Can you sense my anger?

What struck me was a conversation I had with a friend yesterday. She was talking about how she had wanted to finish school and if she does that's ok and if she doesn't well that's ok too. She knows that she was put here to raise her children and she's completely happy with that.

I wonder if this is what I had chosen, or if I had really had a choice in this whole matter if I would've felt the same. If my kids had another decent family member to go to and I made the choice to keep them here. It would have been a choice but because it was either me or the system and I've seen the system it became no choice and then to cement it further, the state pushing us into the adoption...well... yeah. Not much of a choice.

I want to be happy and I want to have a life. I'm more aware of happy people I come across now and I look at them and try to figure out how to get that...happiness. We have good times sure but I don't think any of us are really happy.

I don't feel like I am Sasha any more. I am just a servant here going through the motions. Hubs and I had a conversation because he can't understand why I am so unhappy and angry all the time. He thinks because I have use of my body that I should just be grateful for that. He said he would trade me places. What I tried to explain to him is for him to go back to when he was first shot and to think about the years that came after in the beginning and how he felt every time he learned that he would not be able to do something ever again and it wasn't by his choice.

I asked him, would it be worse to you to be how you are right now, unable to do anything physically because of your condition or worse to be able to physically do the things you want and know that you can but be unable to do them anyway. I didn't really get an answer from him. To me the latter is worse. Plus, he, like the kids, seems to think that the use of my body to do things for them is on demand and not really an option or even a question for me. I know he will argue that he would do things for himself if he could and that is probably true but since he can't ...blah, blah, blah... (In the time I typed that sentence, I've been asked to do things by two different people already, three if you count the cat.) I know I'm coming across as insensitive but I am tired of it all. When Hubs thinks something grand is "letting me" (those are the words...) take a shower...well...

Don't get me wrong, I mean we aren't some couple that belongs on Maury or anything. He doesn't boss me but just saying it in that way that he does irks me. lol

I thought I got away from the family cycle and I've been sucked back in and down. I sometimes wish I would have just been a fuck up like the rest of them because at least I would have made my own choices. It's hard to take the road less traveled. Especially when you can see how free the fuck ups are living without a care or a worry about anyone but themselves.

Now that I've given you the background of how I feel, next time, I am going to write about doing for myself and the things I have planned...and there are real plans! I am excited!!!