Calling it like I see it...

I wrote this post on January 6, 2009 and I have seen it get a ton of traffic and wondered why. I just found out today, the original title, an idiom I had used has been used for racist remarks. I had no idea.  In my world the word is a garden tool. *sigh*  So, I'm renaming this post to be what I intended just in case the traffic was coming through because of the political climate of today. After all when I went to search the terms meaning, that's all the crap that came up.  This post was all about me and nothing or nobody else.

Thanks.
~S

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Before the kids came and before Life Goes On..., my blog was called Diary of a Freak Magnet because that's how I felt.

I could be walking down an aisle at Walgreens looking for Vitamin C and have a lady come out of the restroom and tell me that she almost "shit herself" because they took so long to open the door and well um, she even bled. *wide-eyed stare*

Or being locked in my office by a co-worker (who I thought respected me and considered a friend ) who was trying to convince me that he could teach me how to party and that I should have children because of the "quality of person" that I am.

I've had a stalker who used to call my house and play some song with lyrics about "between the sheets" and sit outside my house at night leaving crushed cans of beer out on my curb. I've even had what I believe was the maintenance man come in my apartment, eat my food, move my magnets, and use my toilet with out flushing.

Those are just a few incidences. I've never fit in where ever I have gone. I can't say that I ever tried really hard either and I'm not too shy to call a spade a spade if you know what I mean? Because of my family situation, I tended to stay away from people when I was younger. In Jr High and High school I wasn't really allowed to go anywhere or to talk on the phone. My stepfather was really possessive of me. I stopped trying to make too deep of friendships because I couldn't explain why I wasn't allowed to use the phone or go to their house. Besides by the time I was 16 I was spending a good chunk of my time raising my step sister's kids and taking care of my sisters. Consequently, I knew a lot of people but wasn't really close to anyone.

As an adult now, knowing that I need to setup a support system with my roles as caregiver to my kids and husband, I've tried to reach out but again because of the circumstances that I am in it makes it tough. Other than internet friends, I literally have no one. No family. Nada.

I feel like I am in this limbo. I know I am married and have kids, but I don't feel it. I've wondered if the kids weren't relatives if I would feel like I had kids. Even though my sister is a rotten whore, she's still their mother. It's not a place I am trying to take. I always said I would never have kids and my mother would ask why I said that and I didn't know why, I just would answer "well, none of my own anyway."

Where this leads to is audacity I guess, the audacity of other people. The other day, the home health nurses were out to check hubs sores. They always ask about the kids and if any are biological. I always say we didn't get a chance to have kids. Most often the other person will say "well now you don't need to, you're set and you didn't even have to go through labor" and they will chuckle.

They just assume we don't want to have children of our own or need to. We have plenty. But I do want children of my own and granted I know that I am able to have children but we don't know if Hubs can. I still feel like that has been taken from me. I've always known that if it came to Hubs not being able to have children, I could live with that. But this way, with these circumstances, it's just cruel.

Those who don't know our situation with the kids or even my husband always assume that my husband and I never stop going at it or if they know my husband's condition than I guess they think I never climb off him or something, if you know what I mean? Especially during the span of November- March. In November we have two children of the same age (right now that is 7.) In January, one of the 7 year olds turns 8 and then we have two 8 year olds until February. Then in February when one of the 8 year olds turns 9, we have two 9 year olds until March. It always comes up and I don't know why having 5 children makes so much more of a difference than the typical 4 that I see out there.

I don't know how anyone else would take it, but I find it offensive and I tend to think those people are assholes. Even if it's in jest. But that's my opinion. I just get tired of it. Sometimes it makes me angry because I just want to be normal and I just seem to basically want what other people want. I don't want to be picked out of a crowd, I'm not trying to draw attention to myself or my family circumstances. I'm not special. I'm just trying to be.

I Didn't Even Know I Had A Problem

So, I ended up posting about The Oldest first day in Middle School instead of the thing that happened after I got creeped out about the house. Let me just tell you, I dropped off my girl and she was able to speak in complete sentences. When I picked her up I couldn't understand a damn word she was saying! lol Let's just say she was a little overwhelmed. But you know what? Good. Better now than at her first day of college, right?

Anyhow, We ended up stopping at W@lmart on the way home from checking out the other house because we needed some dog food. I decided I should get the girl's hair cut while I was at it. I noticed the woman who usually cuts their hair wasn't in. It was the man instead. I couldn't recall if he had cut the kids hair before.

Anyway, he was cutting some guy's hair and I was still in a daze from the house. Just thinking about my spooked feeling and then all the repairs that we are I am going to have to do.

When he finished the guys hair, he had gone up to the desk and he kept saying Amethyst. I didn't realize he was talking to me or that he was even saying a name. He seemed to be taking care of some business or so I thought with the sign in sheet.

So he tried to pronounce one of my daughter's names and I smiled at him and told him the pronunciation. He said he had to get the booster and stuff and I thought everything was fine.

Meanwhile, CDQ is saying she wants her hair really short so I suggested maybe she should try it at a certain length first and if she wants it shorter let him know.Well he comes up, puts the booster seat on the chair and she sits down. He tells me that her hair is really thick and that he doesn't have the time to do several haircuts because he'll miss his bus. I was starting to tell him that we could come back another time when he says : "I'm not going to miss my bus and be 500 miles from home for your daughter."

I was taken aback.

I told her to get down and she did. I was starting again to tell him we would be back another time when he muttered "Something isn't right here." and he walked across the room. I was like "what?" I told him to repeat himself and he was all drama queen hand in the air, he "knows when people have a problem with him".

I have to admit, I was totally floored.

I mean I was dazed coming in but I don't even remember looking at the guy. At first, I assumed it was because I couldn't remember if he had cut my kid's hair, so I told him "Look, I have 5 kids I don't know if you cut their hair or not but I do remember talking to you before. I do not have a problem with you at all."

He kept trying to tell me that I did, so then, and this made me chuckle inside a little, I wondered if he thought that I had a problem with him being feminine and gay. It makes me chuckle because more than half my friends from high school are gay. Male and female.

In college, I went out and partied at a gay bar and went to a rave afterwards where I danced with a guy in a skirt and a fishnet shirt named Thomas until 9 am. Almost all the people I knew personally ,and not through work, are gay. Point of fact, I remember being home sick and the Marilyn Kagan talk show was on tv, 2 girls I was on the tennis team with were fighting over a girl I had never met. What are those chances?

I feel the most comfortable around gay people. So that's why it struck me funny, if that's what he was thinking.

I reassured him that I was having a stressful day just coming from viewing the house and how it was trashed and creepy and that I wasn't focused. He shook my hand and was asking me about the house, etc... I kept hold of his hand and I looked him in the eyes and told him I had no problem with him.

I don't think he believed me, but I have to tell you, by the time I left the store. I felt like I was in the Twilight zone and I was not happy with Mr. Hair Cutter. I mean he was definitely rude and had I been in my normal state of mind I probably would have put it out there. I've decided I will not be taking my kids to get their hair cut by him because he showed me that he can be malicious and presumptuous. I don't trust him. It's just weird isn't it?

Anyhow, I got to see the inside of the house today. Wow is all I can say for now. Hopefully I will get a chance to post about it next.

Hope all is well with everyone,