Quiet

You know that quiet that you get when you can hear like a slight buzz or hum or just a tone in your ear? (could just be me, my hearing loss has gotten worse.)

That's what I have right now.

I should be happy...but I'm scared. I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall and I'm beating myself up about it because Dammit! Why can't I just enjoy it?

Literally... I am so afraid that Hubs health is going to turn or something will happen with the kids. I can't sleep well. I'm restless. It's making me grumpy and grouchy for what I feel is absolutely no reason.

Yesterday was perfect. Poufy has been acting out but it's to be expected. Her B-day is tomorrow. Since her and CDQ share a room, they've been at it together. But not even remotely like what it used to be. They are able to pull it together within the minute I remind them that they are headed off track.

I feel like running away and it's not even rational. I don't know how to stop it either. I've been angry at myself and telling myself to get a flippin grip already.

I. am. so. weird.

Yesterday I was trying to shake the mood. Thursday I crashed hard. I don't know if it was stress or exhaustion or both but I was just out and I felt awful. Hubs made dinner and got the kids to bed. I slept from 4ish until just before 8pm. The whole time I dreamt of the CSI commercial- Grissom's Goodbye. Just the commercial--A HISTORIC TELEVISION EVENT! LOL! I think it was my subconscious telling me to get my @$$ up before I missed it. I had been trying to make sure that I remembered it. *rolling eyes*

Since the kids started acting up, I've been obsessed with CSI shows, Law and Order- CI and SVU, Without a Trace, Cold Case. I wouldn't even watch any of those shows and now I make sure to catch the replays on Netflix and have even gone so far as to go back to the beginning of each shows season 1 and watch them all up to the current show.

Back to yesterday, I woke up feeling bad that I left everyone hanging so after I dropped the oldest off at school I decided I was going to make a big family dinner. I mean we eat together in the kitchen, at the table no tv... so it wasn't like that was a big deal. But I went out and bought a ham, stuff to make potato salad, and got to making the Pioneer Woman's dinner rolls. It took alll day! Seriously, I started at 8:30am and it was all done at 7:30 pm. Let me just say--PW's dinner rolls...MMMMMmmmmmmmmmm... I still have some dough left and I am totally going to make them today. They are so easy AND her pictures matched up with what I had EXACTLY. Don'tcha hate it when you follow a recipe and yours doesn't look a thing like what they are making and they don't even tell you how to fix it or why? Hmm...that's just me...oooookay...moving on...

Everyone loved dinner. It seemed to be more like a comfort food dinner. People were relaxed around the table. We played "I Spy". The kids were full and warm I guess because they hopped off, brushed their teeth and went straight to bed with out the usual peep! I am totally getting goosebumps typing that. My arm hairs are standing up...did I mention I am so.weird. ? My stomach just turned and I had to run off...T.M.I... for me it's more like W.T.F? I don't know what's going on with me. At first I thought I was sick, then I thought maybe my body is just finally reacting to the past 30 or so months of hell. Finally, I just don't know.

Anyway...on to Poufy's b-day party. I was going to do this big Princess party for her but as soon as I asked her opinion on it, she got excited and then started acting out. I figure it's because she thinks she doesn't deserve it. I thought about just doing it anyway... but then I thought maybe I should just progressively increase the birthday festivities each year with out letting them know. Maybe it won't be as noticable if I do it that way? You know maybe some streamers and a tablecloth next year, a blow up castle announcing it's a b-day the following year...maybe by the time she's 10 we will have some guests and a real party? I know I'll have to take it slow.

I did a full on birthday party the first year they were here for the boy (first kid with a b-day after placement). We had guests, games, a blow up Spidy they took pics with, etc... I'm still paying for that...he regressed further and continues to act even younger than he did when he first came at times. Seems to me, he thought/thinks acting like a baby (baby talk, silliness to make people laugh, hurting himself to make them laugh, etc...) is what made him deserving of that. Not just the fact that he's here and a great kid.

So, now it's been toned down. I will bake her a cake (she showed some signs of stress at the idea of a store bought cake and choosing one, which is weird because that's the way we've done it.) and I'm not going to do all that Princess stuff. I'm a little worried because I don't know if I will make her feel more at ease by not doing all that or if I will just reaffirm her belief that she doesn't deserve it. ARGH!

I guess we will see....