A vagi what?

So, today we went to the appointment and I had the ultrasound.

I have to admit, before we went in I was all kinds of nervous about labs. I haven't had a shot or blood drawn since 1999. I've seen the kids get shots and have blood drawn and I've seen Hubs stabbed several million times. So, when they told me it was going to be just an ultrasound I was like "SURE! LET'S GO!" and then they said I had to empty my bladder, "NO PROBLEMO!" and then I walked in the ultrasound room.

Stirrups, seen those before...not with oven mitts on them but whatever... The nurse started telling me that the procedure would be easier than a pap smear and blah blah blah. I didn't really hear the rest because I saw Hubs open-mouthed staring at something. Then I saw what he was staring at.

Uh... I guess I was envisioning the goop on my tummy ultrasound but instead I was met with a plastic wand. I said "Um, what are we doing exactly." She said a transvaginal ultrasound and was reassuring me it wasn't going to hurt. The wand was for my pikachu. I told her "Oh, I'm on my period." (because surely someone forgot to tell them). She basically said great and it was the perfect time to check my follicles. I had to strip from the waist down. The doctor put goop on, then a condom and more goop.

I stopped him and I think I gave him the shock of his life. I told him I was still a virgin. Why do I think I gave him the shock of his life? Because he gaped at me for like 30 seconds (maybe even 45.) and then he said he would be really careful and that there might be blood... I was so nervous, I chirped "well doesn't really matter than because I am already bleeding! HAHAHAHA" ARGH! I hate that I laugh like a dork when I am nervous. I guess I should also mention that this doctor couldn't be very much older than me. So. Strange. That didn't help my nervousness... not because he was young but because well..."Hi, I just met you, here go ahead and poke me and did I mention I'm bleeding...oh and did we go to HIGH SCHOOL together?". He kept apologizing the whole time and again before he left. I felt bad for him.

It hurt. It still hurts. I think I've ventured well into TMI territory but I think I lost my virginity to an ultrasound wand. Happy 32nd birthday to me!

Anyway, the ultrasound. He found a fibroid on one side and 6 follicles. On the other side he found a cyst that he said was perfectly normal and 6 more follicles. He said all and all very good. Chances are good. I'm young and my stuff is good.

I think I messed up when he was slowly trying to take the wand out. I basically yanked myself off it because it hurt so bad.

Anyway, Hubs has now been referred to a urologist who will discuss retrieval processes with us.
We are thinking that he will have to have sperm retrieved from his testes with a needle. I have to make that appointment for us to find out. If it is the case that he has sperm, they will retrieve it, freeze it. Put me on drugs to promote egg whatever and than also put me on the pill so that they can control my period to the exact day that we want to try and conceive. Which we think is sometime in August. (I'm crazy, I insist that I must still be able to put up and take down the Christmas lights.) It has to be done via IVF because they are thinking that Hubs isn't going to have a very high sperm count and that they will have to put the sperm and egg together in the lab and than put it in me.

We went out to lunch at The Olive Garden afterwards. Hubs asked if I wanted to still do this because it is very expensive. I turned it around and asked him if he was having second thoughts. He immediately answered no without ANY hesitation. He said he was worried about me because I'm the one who basically has to do it all.

I told him as long as he was ready to put up with me being extra uh, lets say something that rhymes with witchy. He said he didn't think it was possible. I said "What do you mean?" He said "were you here last week?" I don't even remember last week. I think I told off two nurses and went head to head with CDQ's teacher and her teacher's assistant. Other than that and the kids being especially awful, I dunno what he's talking about.

I told him he hadn't seen nothing yet. lol

Charting...

I've been trying to do the charts since Flo started visiting 3 days ago.

I have a problem. I never get a solid block of 3 hours of sleep. Never.

Last night Hubs had a million problems all night long. I was up and down almost every hour. He has spasms if he isn't laying right in bed. He has a hospital bed. So I constantly have to put his head up or down or pull him back up in bed. Basically, I'm turning him all night long so he doesn't get sores and so that he can sleep. He's 6 feet tall and pretty big so this tiny bed is more of a boon to him. It folds in his back when he sits up and then he ends up falling sideways. It's just a pain.

For BBT, it says that you have to have a solid three hour block of sleep and not move before you take your temp. But if I am getting up and down and up and down and never really even sleep a full hour, how am I supposed to do that?

Also, thanks to Scrawn, my first day of temping might be skewed because she turned on the electric blanket to medium. (I've gotten smarter than the cat and I've removed the electric blanket.) I didn't know until afterwards.

I'm a little nervous about tomorrow. I don't think they'll find anything wrong with me. I'll have to ask about the prenatal pills because quite honestly, I stopped taking them. They were making me feel sick and when I did a search, well it came up with information I thought I better stick to.

See, I think I *might* have a thyroid problem and it might be working in conjunction with this thing called Addison's disease or something like that. I mean, I'm self-diagnosing and probably totally wrong. However, when I googled my symptoms with the prenatals and a warning came up revolving around these two things. Well, I thought "oh crap!" and decided to stop them because I might be making myself sicker. I'm probably all wrong about these things, otherwise if I am right, I should go to med. school. lol

So tomorrow they check my follicles and make sure I don't have any cysts or fibroids.

There's a chance. It runs in my family. My baby sister who is 23 has had ovarian cancer. I believe they have removed it twice and I know that if they have to go in again, they will perform a hysterectomy on her. That's what they have told her. One more time. Can you imagine being so young and having to face that? I feel bad for her.

Anyway, I don't really know what all they are going to tell us tomorrow. I am nervous for some reason.

I guess I'll be really nervous when they run tests on Hubs because we both think it boils down to him really.

I don't know...wish us luck...I guess.

Pikachu???

So, I've been studying so that I can study for my GRE test. Yep, you read that right.

I've gone back to basics and oddly enough found out that, Hey!, I never even knew the basics! WHOO HOO!

Anyway, for some reason um, I dunno maybe the way my posts sound like I am one of my kids rambling on and on, I decided to start with a grammar refresher.

People, I kid you not. I did not know what a verb was. I was taught that a noun is a person, place or thing and if a word wasn't a noun it was a verb. The end. Oh and sentences. Subject and predicate. The end.

Here's the kicker, I've been an honor and AP student since the 9th grade. I was even an honors student in college. English was my BEST subject. I could just write and it was an A.

Hubs says I didn't learn all that adjective and adverb and propositions, etc, etc... because honors classes are paper classes and they don't really teach English because they assume you already know. This is probably true. In 9th grade Honors English we read books and talked about them, then we wrote papers. In 1oth Grade Honors English, we wrote research papers and position papers,etc... In 11th grade we did a little bit of both and in 12th we just studied for the AP test and read the books that were part of the testing.

I remember my friends who were non AP had so much English homework, we just had to read books. Anyway, while I sat there confused out of my mind on how to distinguish an adverb from an adjective (some how I have it backwards) I was telling Hubs I just don't get it.

He said some kind of mumbo jumbo to me and that's when I felt it, a pain, literally felt it down there.

I told Hubs, "My Gosh!, now I know what Y is talking about!" He was confused just as you are. " I said " This stuff literally hurts my pachina", blank stare from Hubs. I tell him Y's little girl says vagina as pachina because, well she does, and Y's always saying things hurt her pachina or make it weak. I ACTUALLY felt it." Hubs was like ok. Just like you are probably thinking as you see Pikachu.

And here is where I get to my point, and yes there is one... About half an hour later, Hubs and I were talking about our schedule for next week. He said and I kid you not "Isn't Monday when we go to get your pikachu checked?"

I was like "my what?" He repeats "your pikachu, you know?"

I'm like "No, I don't know."

Hubs: "Wait, didn't you say pikachu?, Our fertility appointment..."

Me(about to wet myself from laughing so hard): "No, I said PA-CHI-NA."

Hubs: *bright red* "Well, pachina...pikachu, it's all the same."

Me: "Is it really?"

Men....

Thanks Everyone!*

Thanks for the great comments regarding fertility. There is so much to read out there and I really had no clue. I thought once we started talking about things at the doctor's office that I would have "leads" to go on.



I had no idea that I should have been charting and doing all kinds of stuff. I really wonder how we are supposed to know all that.



I'm going to try and find my library tomorrow. Our town library is being renovated and a new library went up but I haven't been successful in my attempts to find it.



I started taking prenatals yesterday. It was weird. They made me sick. Probably because I didn't eat. I usually don't. I was feeling queasy when we got to the therapist's office for the kids but she sprayed something that had some type of essential oils and it actually made me feel hungry. REALLY hungry. I wolfed down a hot dog SMOTHERED with relish. I mean someone could have said "would you like some hot dog with your relish?" That's how much relish.



I don't even eat hot dogs often if at all because of an unfortunate Circus incident where I had eaten a hot dog at the Circus then immediately found out that I had the flu. *wide eye stare* We had to leave early. It was soooo bad that I've never even been back to the Circus either. I think I was about 7 years old. Oh, the truama! I can even tell you what I was wearing that day! I only got like 2 clowns autographs. LOL!



I think it was the combo from the night before and the stress and just I didn't really eat much dinner the night before last. I just wasn't feeling the menu plan. lol



Hubs watched me wolf down the hot dog either amused or disgusted. LOL He doesn't like pickles, therefore doesn't like relish. Plus, I don't think I've ever eaten like that before. As soon as I was done I said I thought I could eat another one. I think I could've!



I guess I'll have to pay more attention to my nutrition as well. I don't eat very well, nor very healthy.



Nor do I get enough sleep, seeing as I am typing this at 3 am and will post it sometime tomorrow.



I think a whole lifestyle change is in order. Although, oddly enough...right now I am thinking of a hot dog smothered in relish. It was sooo good.


*UPDATED: I am finally taking a short break from running around and being a little sick. Are these prenatals supposed to make my stomach hurt? I ate some soup (yeah I know weird breakfast--I'm allergic to milk so no cereal or anything like that) before I took them and well, the result wasn't good. Thank God that didn't happen yesterday.

Let's call him Paddy...

So, I received paperwork from the fertility clinic the.very.next.day.

I was shocked. It was a thick envelope asking me about everything under the sun related to babymaking parts and activities. Uh. yeah. As Shrek would say in his pondering ogre voice: "Really, Really."

I'm embarrassed and worried because I don't know if I should be taking any special pills. I don't know what basal (see I had even typed BASIL- as in the herb) Body Temp is. I don't know what any of the things on that list are and I've NEVER tried to get pregnant.

Should I be reading books or something? One thing I have done is almost completely cut soda out. I had some last night when we went out to dinner but before that I hadn't had any in 2 days and before that we had gone out to McDonald's for dinner on Tuesday and I had a coke. Basically, I've only had soda when we've gone out despite the fact that I have a 12 pack in the fridge. I've been taking Vitamin C and B-complex. But that's it.

I feel like I'll go in and I'll be interrogated about what I have done to make this pregnancy possible and I'll sit there and say "Stopped drinking soda." and they will look at me like I am an alien and maybe laugh.

Maybe I'm just working myself up but I would liken it to an entrance interview at an ivy league university.

Interviewer: What have you done that would merit entrance into our school?
Me: I got up every morning and went to school.

Ya know? I'd be the total slacker loser, while the hardcore competition has been going on in the babymaking competition.

I don't know. I could have it all wrong. But it seems like I should be doing more, or I should be doing SOMETHING to prepare for this.

I've been looking at babies more often. Watching them. Remembering what they are like.

Meanwhile, Hubs is like the female. He tries to tone it down and he would deny it. But there's no denying that he wants one badly. He was going on and on about a little Hubs running around. All I could think is we both have HUGE heads and the biggest stubborn streak to beat out all others. But I knew how badly he wanted a kid when he brought out "the name".

I know I embarrassed him but he had a name people! I couldn't get out of him how long or when he decided on a name but he has one. Patrick but spelled the irish way with a D. All I could think of was Paddy. A boy named Paddy. Yeah. It is Hubs middle name and all. But... we aren't even pregnant and Hubs has a name and what if it doesn't happen? What if we can't get pregnant? Signs point to no reason why we shouldn't really. But isn't that the way it is for most infertile couples?

Are we an infertile couple? As far as we both know, everything is there to make a baby, there's just no way to get it together to make it happen by ourselves.

I guess I'll just have to be patient and wait and see if they laugh at me. In the meantime that is 14 days. 1-4. I don't even remember the last time Flo was in town and you would think I would at least be keeping track of that. But with the girl scout schedule (COOKIES), the therapy schedule, the catechism schedule (2 first communions and a first penance in less than two months now! That means a tilma to be decorated and 2 dresses to be sewn by moi.), snack schedule, eye appointments, teeth appointments, adoption paperwork, (adoption in early april maybe?), math club,and our first wedding anniversary (March) looming (Hubs has already started planning, yikes! What am I going to do with PAPER???) etc..etc... I forgot to write it down.

Am I total loser or what?

Overwhelmed!

Not entirely in a bad way...actually not in a bad way at all.

I mean I just paid almost all the bills. I've discovered that our registration is up and somehow our car insurance has lapsed . I have to admit, we have Triple A and so far it sucks. The rep we had made a total mess of everything. I think he cancelled our stuff and wrote down that we called in and did it. Argh! I have yet to call them and I am dreading it.

Which is odd because I had them for roadside assistance and all that and I loved it. Maps and discounts and all that stuff. Loved.it. Ahhh, too bad.

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I called to see if my oldest got into Catholic school today. Still no word, I had to leave a message. For some reason that all makes me tense. It's almost like I am waiting for my own admission letter. lol But I know she needs it (as do the others) badly. The structure they can provide is just priceless and sadly the public school has their hands tied to be able to do anything that these children would really need.

But I am praying that she gets in and gradually someway some how we will get all 5 in, eventually. It's expensive but then when you really look at it, it's not. Does that make sense? I believe it's an education that every child deserves. The levels that they teach at and the accountability. Stuff that I know some of the public school teachers wish they could do but instead are teaching for a test.

I have to keep telling myself to just breathe. That's how important and pivotal I think this decision is going to be in our lives and it's almost like the religious aspects of going to the Catholic School would just be a bonus!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I've started research from the wonderful and totally appreciated advice of MommaOfMany on Reactive Attachment Disorder. Just from going to the Mayo Clinic online I can see that the kids definitely have signs of this both inhibited and disinhibited. I'll have to bring it up to their therapist after a little bit more research but I think this is what they have along with a few other disorders.

In the same vein. I *heart* the new therapist. The old therapist was ok. But I love that we have goals and plans and that the kids know what to expect when they get there. For instance, I guess I'll call my 8 soon to be 9 year old Strawberry Shortcake (SS), SS had her appointment yesterday and she was so excited because she was going to do some drawing and play with the dollhouse. Just the fact that she knew what she was going in to seemed to set her mind at ease. I could tell a lot of the nervousness and jitters were almost completely gone.

I also love that there is actual dialogue between Hubs and I and the therapist. She actually offers solutions and ideas for almost everything that we talk about. Plus, she seems to be trying to diagnose the kids rather than just letting things slide by. I don't know exactly what the other therapist was doing exactly, it seemed like pulling teeth to try to get him to say anything much less commit to anything.

The other thing that interests me, is that the new pediatrician recommended this therapist and when I called her she had only one opening. As of today, she is seeing 3 of the kids. As the weeks have progressed. She had a child who had a change of placement and a child who had surgery so they were transferred or put on hold for now which opened up spaces for our kids. Today we find out if she will have openings for our last two. It seems like we will because she tried to contact the person and their phone number has been disconnected. Divine intervention, perhaps?

This new therapist has helped me to relax a little because I finally feel like we are getting help. Before, I felt like things were just in a continuous downward spiral. I can actually see changes in SS and she's only had 3 sessions. Plus, she gave me a tip and demonstration for the Boy when he has his next tantrum. I just feel like we are accomplishing something.

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Lastly for this post because I fear I've already dumped too much of my brain in this post.

Hubs and I have a fertility consultation on the 28th. The day before my 32nd birthday.

This is what overwhelmed me this morning, like the final straw, so to speak. It's not bad...

I expected to call and make an appointment to have a consultation. You know, be presented with procedures that are available to us and what they entail. A discussion on costs, etc...

Uh. No.

There will be discussion, but *I* will be having an ultrasound that day and more than likely there will be labs that day as well.

I'm freaking out a little.

Just because I thought we'd have more time to mull over which procedures and if it's even feasible given our finances (I need another job!) before we jumped into it all. I'm probably the opposite of most people who go there. They probably have been wanting children for years and were ready like yesterday. But I really want to know what the hell is going on before I jump in with both feet and I feel like I have no choice.

Maybe it will be different then what I am now thinking.

It's just right after they asked me my name they asked me my age. When they asked why we were looking into fertility I told them Hubs was a quadriplegic and they sort of skimmed past that. She told me the cost of the first consult and that I would be having an ultrasound that day.

What bugs me is that--well, given that I've never tried to conceive, why are they starting with me? If Hubs isn't producing any sperm, what is the point of checking me? I'd be all for it if we knew that Hubs had viable sperm already because it would be my luck that everyone in my family can look at a man and get pregnant and I couldn't but...why is this falling on me first? I know something to ask the Doc.

*breathe*

Ok, that's it for now. I need a glass a water and to get back to mindlessly cleaning my house.

Even though I am overwhelmed, things are looking up.