Helpless

This is going to be a long one and it's not going to be pretty.

Let me start from the beginning. Saturday-- I wasn't feeling well, just really tired. What was supposed to be a cat nap turned into a 3 hour nap.

Hubs had the kids cleaning up the kitchen and he fed them lunch and kept them occupied while I slept on the couch. Yep, I slept through all that. That's how tired I was. I had a dream. It was one of those dreams Kether. A car accident dream. The last time I had these dreams my best friend was killed in a car accident.

We were in a car accident and someone hit us. I know I jumped in my sleep because I felt it and I awoke slightly but did not completely wake up.

I thought today was the last day for the Christmas tree recycle program (I know I still had my tree outside where I dumped it on the 2nd.) I was dreading driving but I was dreading chopping up the tree myself with a handsaw (I've done it for 2 years and it sucks!). As I was coming home, I felt sick and so irrational. I kept seeing a car accident in my mind. They are like flashes. I scolded myself. I thought I was somehow remembering what I used to see when I got those flashes. I even told myself outloud to cut it out because it "wasn't even the same accident".

I told myself I was just sick. When I got home, I didn't even eat dinner because I felt awful.

Flashforward to this morning 12:45 am. I was pondering chore charts and posting when my phone rings. I freaked out because I had put the phone on do not disturb. I had put Hubs in bed about an hour before and when I walked by the machine to get him a glass of water, I saw the cats needed water. So I got the cats water and debated on turning off the do not disturb and decided not to.

I jumped up and answered it. It was my sister that I despise. The kids mother. At first, I thought she was calling about something about the kids. Which she's never done. It was just her tone. She took forever to tell me about the accident. My sister, P (her fiance) and my two nephews (I and E) were in a car accident and were in ER.

She made it sound like P and I were dying. I pulled the phone number out of her and hung up. I called ER. They told me it was late and I told them I was sorry and I was calling from another state. She said she would try to put me through. I was put through to a nurse. Where I got "disconnected".

I tried to call back and got the same lady I started with. She said that T's father just called and that he was rude and said he didn't have a daughter in my state. I told her he doesn't- he's my ex-stepfather. I told her he's an asshole and I am sorry that he was rude to them. She stammered and said what? I told her again. He's an asshole. I'm sorry. She chuckled told me she gathered that from over the phone and put me through to the nurse. The nurse then personally lent my sister his phone.

She seemed in shock. She said they had gone out for baskin robbins and they had a green arrow and a woman slammed into them on her side. She said the tires are off of their suv and that the air bags didn't deploy. An off duty officer saw the whole thing. She said they were all wearing their scapulars.*

They were still there because they were waiting for her results. Everyone else was ok. "I" has a huge lump on his head and she has to wake him up every two hours to make sure he is ok. She was having hip pain and she thought it was from the seat belt.

*breathe*

They are ok.

I am so thankful and angry, I feel helpless and full of rage all at the same time.

I am thankful that they are ok. I am angry because they are stuck at the hospital. My baby sister called the kids mother because now she is the only one with a car. She called her to ask her if she could go pick up T and P and the kids and she told her that "they were just trying to use her." Do you know how hard I could sock a bitch right now? Seriously. I feel like I could put my fist through her skull. Please don't try to preach to me either. I don't mean to offend but really, you have no clue.

I feel helpless because I can't go pick them up. I can't help them at all. I am stuck. All of them are injured in some form and I am here. She's come out to help me when we needed it and all I can do is pray. Which I know is helpful but how are they going to get home? Her purse is in the car. I don't even know if they have the money for a ride home. I couldn't even get money to them in an instant to get a ride home. Who is going to take care of them? Let them sleep? Watch the kids? I feel bad and helpless.

I'm rageful..if you don't like cuss words stop here.

That motherfucking piece of shit loser. Yeah he doesn't have a daughter in this state but he has a girl that he molested and took advantage of in this state who is looking to find out if her SISTER is ok. Mark my words HECTOR RUBIO. YOU WILL PAY for all you have done. You will pay for molesting me. You will pay for the death of Bella. You will pay for the suicide of Cindy. You will pay for the damage you have done to your children and grandchildren. YOU WILL PAY!

I bet it just irks you that I'm the one thing you've touched that hasn't turned to shit. I know it did back in the day. OH how you tried to BREAK me. How you tried to CLAIM me. How you took advantage of my innocence and naivety. How you tried to convince me to allow you to be my FATHER. How you insinuated that you were acting as a FATHER would to me. Does a father pin his "daughter" down and rub all over her? Even when she is BITING him with all her might and screaming for him to GET OFF HER??? Does a "father" kiss his 6 year old daughter so hard that his teeth push her lips apart and she tastes him? DOES HE? Does he sit on her bed while she is sleeping when she's NINETEEN years old? Does he not correct his coworkers when they mistake her for his WIFE? DOES HE?

I don't know how to love huh? I'm cold and heartless, huh? Well FUCK YOU from the bottom of my heart. You're just mad because I wouldn't love you the way you wanted me to. I wouldn't let YOU IN. What you didn't know was that girl you tried so hard to break was already gone and tucked away somewhere where you and no one else could get her. Waiting until she was safe to come out. So you LOSE! She's ALIVE and well and LOVING with all her heart. PROTECTING other kids from PEOPLE LIKE YOU!

You thought you were so smart didn't you? You still think you got away with it don't you HECTOR RUBIO? No court on Earth will punish you the way God the FATHER almighty will.

My FATHER will take care of you and you will get what you so richly deserve HECTOR RUBIO.

I'm done with that topic...moving on...

The scapulars. We are Catholic. I've always had my faith even when the church pushed me away. I'm not entirely inline with the Catholic church but it's what I choose. I've been gently guiding my family (what's left of it.) to try and rediscover their faith. Now that they are older and can understand and make an informed decision.

When T asked me to be E's Godmother I made sure it happened. I made sure that "I" was included as well. My baby sister was supposed to be I's Godmother but she hasn't made her first holy communion or been confirmed.

It was a huge surprise to me when I asked T what she wanted for Christmas and she told me she wanted a complete Pieta book and scapulars for all of them. I got online as soon as she left and started searching. I had found a place but hadn't placed the order yet.

Meanwhile, Wal Mart had a roll back on the storage drawers and ours near our house were out. So I drove to the next town and picked up what I needed. On my way out there was a bad car accident that redirected me.

I am totally directionally challenged. I ended up heading deeper into the other city instead of back towards mine. This led me to a traffic standstill right in front of the only catholic store in both towns. I decided to turn in rather than sit in traffic.

I got her the scapulars she wanted, the pieta book, a book about the meaning of the scapular, a book about the meaning of mass and the catechist of the catholic church. I also picked up mostly the same things for my baby sister and a scapular for my mom.

What I failed to mention was that my sister, her fiance and my baby sister are all going to go to classes so that they can make their first holy communion and confirmations. I'm doing everything I can to encourage them to at least see if it is something they want. I'm really so happy because it's just amazing to see how living your life in your faith can affect others and nudge them to want faith for themselves.

Even Hubs was an atheist when I met him and he changed all on his own. I never even talked to him about it. At least not the beliefs but the religion itself and the people. All I say is do not let people turn you away from God. A lot of time people turn their backs on God because of organized religion. Humans are running the churches. That's all I have to say.

The scapulars are a form of protection for the wearer. It is the Blessed Virgin Mary who protects us as every mother protects their children. Some people think it's a ticket to heaven but it's not. lol

Anyway, I'm glad I've got all that off my chest. I'm glad they are ok. This is probably going to be the longest post ever. Sorry guys.

Just being an Aunt

For the next two weeks I have my older nephew, I, staying with us. I didn't realize what a stress it was to be the "parent". I mean, I know it's stressful. But, last week when both my nephews were here with both their parents, I was the fun one. I was just the Aunt.


Hershey's kisses right before bed for a 2 year old ??? NO PROBLEM! How about I toss in some baby marshmallows with that? HELP YOURSELF! After all, do I really have to worry about it? His Mom and Dad can brush his teeth and chase him down all night. Right? I knew it bothered me that I couldn't just be the Aunt who spoiled them and that I had to be the "mean one". But I didn't realize it was a weight until these guys came to town. E (above) was so cute. I'm always strong with them when they first get here so they know they can't walk all over me or my home. Once they know the rules it gets fun. This little guy was hilarious. By the time he left he could say my name perfectly. Everything had my name in it and had to be seen by me. He would call out "Hey Sash!" Too funny! I hear that he's filling everyone's ears with my name back at his house.
I got to spend a few hours out shopping and talking with I (above). It was great to just have the one. I bought him a few things for his stay, as we weren't really planning on him to stay. Things just kind of fell into place for him to be able to stay here and visit after they were already here.

It used to be like that with the other kids. My oldest used to call me for advice and I used to take her to the movies. I used to buy all of them toys and clothes. I even took a few with their mother to Sea World back in the day.

I've always felt like it was my job to show them something better. But now that I have a different label. It's hard to know if I can ever get back that Aunt title or even find a balance between the two. I feel like I have to be more responsible and less fun because I can't have them thinking of me as a friend. It sucks.

I have a lot of thinking to do. It's such a weird space to be in.