All about me...

Tomorrow is going to be a big day for me. Why?

Cause I'm getting my groove back and I am going to be totally ready to have it out with the therapist if need be. I'm thinking not... but I've been avoiding the topic all together.

Things have not been well in my house. I have totally adapted the Beyond Consequences Model and I find myself catering to one child's whims constantly.  I'm not saying Beyond Consequences is wrong or doesn't work, but I think that there are times when Nancy Thomas needs to come into play as well, you know?

It was the "I hate that fucking fat bitch", that did it for me today.  For real?  Especially since this fucking fat bitch didn't do anything but breathe.

We have been walking on eggshells in my house for 4 years.  Revolving around one child's need to be everything.

I've realized that she's monopolized my time so much that I only get snippets with the other kids. Anytime they get near me, CDQ has an issue she needs to talk about RIGHT NOW. Or she just turns on me.

My other kids...bless my other kids, they are troopers. They've been silently hanging in there. But I'm tired of finding myself wondering what they are up to. If they still like this or that... I barely get to talk to them between meal times or when I catch them on the way to the bathroom or bed.

It's come to the point where they come and warn me that CDQ is looking for me (to attack me) or they even tell me to hide. They hug me extra hard. Especially SS, she always runs out and hunts me down and hugs me so tight. Especially after a CDQ attack.

I've been gearing up for homeschool and checking their reports etc... So, I know what they've done during the day and I hate that they look so surprised when I say "oh, you had trouble with this, I see." Luckily Hubbins has been helping them with the things they need.

CDQ consumes all my time. If she doesn't get what she wants for anything there is hell to pay. She's acting like a spoiled rotten brat.  She's totally manipulative and I'm just supposed to understand that it's all trauma and fear related?

The stories I hear from the other kids... she's been terrorizing them from back in the day before they even got here, all to get what she wants.

Today, I called the three out: SS, Poufy and the Boy. We sat around at the picnic table and talked.  I asked them if they felt safe here. They said they did, Poufy said she still had bad dreams but she felt mostly safe.  The boy said he felt safe but CDQ scared him sometimes.  The other kids piped up that she was scary and she was mean to them all the time. If they didn't listen to her go on and on about her fantasies she would retaliate by telling them they are ugly or stupid.  She tries to scare them by telling them she's crazy and talking to herself or yelling  at them when they pass her room to get reactions from them.  They don't feel safe when she flips.  They are angry and very upset when she flips on me.

They asked me why she said things like that to me. Why she talks back. I told them I didn't know. I talked to them about maybe CDQ leaving the house. I made sure they understood if CDQ were to leave the house, it wasn't because she was bad or did something bad but because she is sick.

See, I've contemplated taking her to the ER several times this week. Something went wrong at her last therapy session. I've been impatiently waiting to find out. As soon as we left she started ripping into her arms and scalp.  I don't know, I'm curious if they actually started to process her trauma. Maybe that could be the cause.  All I know is no more f'ing Jonas Bros.

See, I didn't want her to listen to that shit to begin with, but she told the therapist it makes her happy. So the therapist started rocking her and giving her a baby bottle while playing the music.

I should've been more forceful but I've been soooo freaking stressed to the point where I've had chest pains and thought maybe I was having a stroke or heart attack.  So, out of desperation, I've just stood back.

That music does not make her happy. She's had dreams and hallucinations where they have threatened to kill her or hurt her. She told me she doesn't feel safe and I told the therapist these things and that I DID NOT want her playing the music for her.

CDQ lives in a fantasyland. She firmly believes she's going to be an actress or singer and in the interest of honestly...neither will be something in her future.  But she takes an illusion that the therapist believes she will be so therefore it is gospel.  She also thinks the therapist is God.

Anyhow, the therapist seems not to hear a word I say because she says, I am going to play them for her today while giving her a bottle.  ARGH!!

That was the last session.

These stupid people do NOT make her happy. The music makes her feel inadequate, worthless, scared, ugly, angry.  This is the way she acts. She always lashes out against me too. She has this weird idea of normal. She believes I need to buy her music, an mp3 player, a cell phone, any clothes she wants, etc... I've said no. She's 10.

Tomorrow, I say no more.

The other thing apparently the therapist has green eyes. CDQ draws everything with green eyes now.  She has successfully bonded with her AT. Grreat.

Seems the only bonding thing the AT can come up with is something I physically can not do.  Thanks for nothing.

I was feeling great the week before last, the best I felt in years and I came home to a kid who was bent on destroying that feeling for me. The reason I say that is because she flung herself on me and kept throwing herself down on me repeatedly. This wasn't a hold, this was rocking her. I made the mistake of telling her it hurt and she did it even harder. Keep in mind this kid is almost as tall as me and weighs over half of what I weigh,  I ended up rocking her as she did this anyway and jacked myself up for the past two weeks. No more remission for me, nothing but flare ups exacerbated by her attitude. As soon as she flips on me, my heart falls into my stomach, I feel nauseous, my hands get ice cold and I can't focus anymore. I get tense and my joints hurt so bad.

I don't feel like things are any better. I think I was just taught to be submissive and take her abuse.

Not ok.

I have PTSD and more recently I feel like I may be depressed.

One child has done this to me.  Sure the others have given me a hard time, but consistently it's CDQ who continues to terrorize.

I'm tired of it and I am done. I am so glad the kids aren't taking her abuse as hard as I am. Maybe they are used to her or maybe they are just used to abuse.

I warned the other kids that things might get tough. CDQ is going to start experiencing life like everyone else. If she can't keep it together I am NOT going to keep the other kids from doing things to avoid her BS.  For example, if she's having a hard day and the other kids want to go outside but I know she will hurt them if she goes outside or she will attack me if I keep her inside, I just keep everyone inside.  No more. They are going to go outside and she can just rage inside if she wants.

I am the fucking parent.  ME.

Whether she wants me to be or anyone else. I signed on the damn line, ya know? I get the punches.  I deal with everything. I want to start experiencing the joy of parenting that my husband gets or anyone else for that matter.

One thing that has been bothering me for months...

I tried to explain to the therapist that I was having a hard time being "Mom" to my sister's kids.  I don't know if any of you can relate to that idea, but for me it's very confusing and mixed up. Sure I do "Mom"  things, but I am their Aunt not their mother.   The lines had already been drawn a long time ago.

I told her if they wanted it, I was all for it.  But it's just hard for me to switch into that role and force the ones who don't.

She told me she didn't understand what I was saying.  Um, ok.

Then she took it a step further and said " I guess I just love all kids."

WTF?

So because I am the biological Aunt and I think it's weird to become their mother I don't love them?  How is that even logical? Because I believe their mother is their mother no matter what a paper says or what she's done to them, I don't love them?  (I believe some people refer to them as first mothers)

It was hard for me to swallow what she was saying... I know kids have these issues, you know? I know I'm not the only one who is having this transition tough. I can't be.  Most women go into adoption hoping and wishing because they feel they will become mothers. That was not my situation. My kids weren't looking for another mother either.  I know it's been four years but none of us were expecting permanency.  We are all still a little dumbstruck. How is that hard to believe and what does it have to do with loving?

That's been bothering me since the words came out of her mouth.

 I wish I had alternatives. I wish I had another AT I could try. But this is it.  I've been working so hard to keep her out of RTC but now I'm worried I'm not doing the right thing for her and the other kids by doing that. I'm worried that I'm keeping her out of RTC for selfish reasons.  I don't want her to be labeled, I don't want her to be hurt or learn new things in RTC.  But maybe she needs to be somewhere with 24/7 care. Maybe this is one of those situations where all the siblings shouldn't have been adopted together. I don't know.

All I do know is that I am picking myself up (yet again) and dusting myself off but this time...this time, I actually feel a little stronger. All the things I was afraid of, I'm tired of being afraid of. I'm tired of living in the "if".

A couple of things my therapist said to me struck home. She said sometimes when you worry so much about things you actually bring those things to you.  She also said that when they send out a team of rescue people they never put their people in danger of being killed because if something happens to the rescue people then no one gets saved.  Another thing my yoga instructor said is that "nobody will take care of you, but you."

I'm miserable and I feel like I have nothing to lose anymore. So if it's gonna come or happen, well bring it.  Because I am tired of waiting for the other foot to fall. I am tired of living life as though I am a door mat and I am tired of the abuse.