Understanding...

How to explain this... I am so grateful for the support from Corey, Ashley and Chandra. Corey's comment was the reminder I needed and the catalyst for further thought. 

A couple of weeks ago I was reading a trauma mama's blog. She disrupted many years ago but it's clear the disruption still has it's effect on her to this day. I wrote this long comment that I thought was best for me to just e-mail to her but then I had a small flare up and never got around to sending it. 

I mulled over it that night and with the new found knowledge of having read bits and pieces from the Orlando trauma mama's blogs, I realized that: 

1.) I am not alone completely. 

2.) Maybe the whole stigma with disruption/dissolution is changing since I first started blogging (This iteration of my blog isn't the first one.) ?

Let's face it too...it is so easy to fall into the stinkin' thinkin' of I am alllllll allllllone. 

But as I wrote that post, I said I didn't expect anyone to understand...but it was the unwritten I didn't expect people to understand. 

In fact, I am terrified that people still won't understand it. I've told my mother and my husband and I am about to tell you. 

But first, my mom GETS IT.  I had called her on the way back from the therapist when he first told me of CDQ's accusations and I was still in a state of shock. I mean I really don't know how to handle this. 

When I drove up my mom met me outside and she actually hugged me and she was crying and mumbling something about staying strong. 

All this time, she has been that voice. We ALL know that voice. "You're just too soft on her.", "You just need to tell her to snap out of it.", "you just don't want to try.", "Why don't you just give them all away.", "If you can get rid of one, then who's next.", etc...

Those words hurt so bad. I am not a quitter and my mother knew this. But she still rolled her eyes and said hurtful things to me when I tried to explain things to her. She didn't want to hear it. 

But now, these accusations and her full understanding of the possible danger my kids, and my husband are in because of lies. Plain and simple, anybody that knows me knows that this is not true. I have worked with children for many years off and on and now all that is at stake too?

Anyhow. I tried explaining to my mom that I felt that CDQ was a lot like her mother but smarter. She told me that it sounded to her that it was my problem with their mother and not CDQ. I've never held anything my sister has done against my kids. Never resented them because of my sister and I've even explained to them when they were trying to make me pay for what my sister did that I never tried to "collect" anything off of them. My problem was with their bio mom and never them.  In fact, I am guilty of being too soft on them because of who their mother is.  I feel like they were cheated. 

My mom tried to make it sound like I was making CDQ the fall guy and that just isn't true. These accusations made her open her eyes that there is indeed something terribly wrong with CDQ.  In fact, I've come to understand that possibly a lot of my hostility in my writing and my posts may be indirectly fielding off the verbal "blows" of my mother. 

Compound that with the last therapist telling me "Oh, *I* wouldn't have done that..." or "those are your issues", etc...

I came to a realization that CDQ has been able to get to me because she has learned from the best. There was only one time where she triggered me and I KNEW it was my issue and I reacted in a way I wasn't proud of.  I'm grateful that I never went to extremes on my own- but I've never cussed *at* any of my kids until that day. I told CDQ- "FU get out of my room." ( I know people have said and done much worse but I feel so guilty about that incident and she doesn't even seem to remember it! I'm freaking out that I'm actually putting it on the blog!) As soon as she finally did decide to leave after continuing her assault on me. I was able to sit there and ask myself "where in the world did that come from?" and I realized it was a direct reaction from hearing her words come from my step-father before. 

You see, I've realized that I am essentially raising the product of the person who molested and possibly raped me.  Even though she is his grandchild, he hurt her too and it's HIS ways that she is using to abuse other people. With the help of her bio mom, she's been able to take it to a higher level for her age. 

Maybe I should feel sorry for her. Maybe I should be more understanding of her. But this time it is my hang up, this is why I feel this insane need to protect my family.  I mean I would feel that way any way but I think in this case my body is reacting to it's memories that I have stored away and that is why I can't gain the control because I don't know. I can't remember. I just get these flashbacks that leave me guessing if I even give them that time. 

I've processed quite a bit of stuff in acupuncture that I didn't even realize was something that was still an issue for me or that it ever was an issue. 

The very first thing I processed was the death of my best friend. I said I was going to write a post about it and I will in my next post. 

But what I didn't expect people to understand, was that I don't see CDQ as my step father, but I do see her as a skillful abuser now.  Parts that she consciously chooses to use against people. It's easy to say she's just a child, but my step father was a child too and if we start going down that road... it still boils down to personal choices and CDQ does know right from wrong. 

I think it's important that I say that I don't hold a grudge against either of them. Do I want to speak or see either of them...no.  I don't feel like it's a safe situation and I am certain it would be the mind#$%^ olympics if they had their chance to try to convince me how stupid and wrong I am. Because it's what they do, that's how they groom you to break you down...this circular logic that makes no sense and it's sole purpose is to make you feel inadequate and worthless. 

But it's truth. I have a feeling my children would understand it but I don't want to stir things up with them, as it is CDQ is accusing me of turning them all against her. 

But, this is the thing I feel so alone in.  I keep trying to think of ways that I am wrong about this, but maybe I just need to let it be what it is and just go from there...