In a second it all changed.

I've had some time stand still moments.

But yesterday morning, I felt like I hadn't heard right. I felt like I was punched in the gut and all my air had escaped me. I fought for a blank look to hide my true feelings. I couldn't believe this was my reaction to the whole thing.

Sometimes, I thought I would be relieved if it happened.  I thought I could breathe because my kids would be safe.

I know that CDQ was on a waiting list for RTC. I knew this. I prayed for answers. If it was the right thing. I never pushed it, I figured God's will, God's time.  I handed it all over to God.

I knew that CDQ was homicidal and suicidal. Therefore she is a danger to herself and others. I knew the plan was RTC, I knew they were giving her a couple of weeks to show she could do it at home and I knew she wasn't making it.

I know this is good for my family. I know my doctor thinks this is good for my health.

I know this is supposed to be good for CDQ.

I could go on and on about what I "know".

But I guess I'm not as indifferent as I thought I was.

I made it out the door before the tears started falling. I felt so selfish.

I tried to tell myself to cut it out. I know that I don't have the resources or the knowledge to keep her from hurting herself. I know that I should be relieved. She will be safe.

But for some reason, it just doesn't feel that way.

All I can see is this clueless little girl that doesn't know what she's done.  She thinks she has control of the strings and I suspect she's feeling the tugs but this is a whole world that she's opened up that she has no idea about.

I know she thinks she'd do better in another family. At one point, I thought maybe it would be the case. But with her mental issues, she's going to have a problem in any family. It would truly only be a matter of time.

I can't "fix" her.

I keep saying "I know" this and that and I think that's me grasping for some kind of stability that just isn't there. Something concrete and tangible.

Nobody but Hubbins and I know that she's not coming home on Monday. We were advised for our safety not to tell her.

Monday morning we meet with the therapist and he will tell her then.

Despite her attempts to attack me last night, all I can see is a scared little girl.

Even through the angry glares...

"I'm not trying to upset you, I just want to see you get upset. I think you should be upset."

"CDQ, I'm not going to get upset. I already told you, I'm not going to let you upset me anymore."

"I know, but if I tell you something, I think you should be upset."

"Well, I'm not and I won't be. There's nothing you can say or do that will upset me."

"But I'm not trying to make you upset, I just want to see you be upset."

This child used to make me cry, that has not happened in a couple of months. She would lean in for a side hug and whisper in my ear "it is about you. I hate you.", "You aren't a mother, you've never been a mother." and a whole bunch of other things I've tried not to remember and no one else had a clue she was doing this.  She would grab my hands and check my fingers to see if she had "upset" me enough to cause a flare.  Yes. she. did.

With all that hatefulness, I feel like such an idiot for feeling this way. I feel like I don't understand my own feelings. I feel a little lost.

Even playing all the recent attacks, PUBLIC attacks at the treatment center, back in my head. I still feel this strong pull that wants me to put the brakes on it all.

I don't know why I am being so selfish.  I know in my heart I can't help her.  I would just make things worse keeping her at home. What if she succeeds with suicide and all because she wants a rise out of me (she said as much). She needs this.  She will be ok.

I just keep seeing this little lost girl, all alone and scared.  I don't want her to feel that.  But I guess if I am honest with myself, right now, she's feeling suicidal and homicidal and that can't be any better.