Then the ride stopped...

I went in to see my therapist (M) last week who immediately took me in to see CDQ's therapist (AT). She stayed in the room and that helped a lot.

I don't know where I flipped and started trying to be a people pleaser- that I haven't been since I went off to college. But I couldn't stand hearing myself say it was ok. I mean, really... my kid was totally disregulated and I paid for it and if AT was saying it was her fault, why did I keep insisting it was ok?

I feel like AT is inexperienced when it comes to kids like CDQ. I feel very strongly that this is AT's first really really bad case.  I don't know. She keeps saying the Director is telling her what to do and that she is conferring with others and showing CDQ's video. I also noticed she's short tempered with my indecisiveness.

Case in point, the previous post about my visit with M, I talked about the rescue team not being put in a position where something can happen to them.  All these months, I've been sitting out in the waiting room while CDQ goes in with AT, now that I say I am going to meet with M--CDQ says she needs me in the room.

Manipulation- whether it comes from fear or whatever, CDQ does NOT want me to get better. She wants to continue to be able to zing me.  So is it truly fear or is it control. Yes, it could be argued that even if it is for control it is still fear...fine.

BUT, if I am part of the rescue am I doing more damage by not getting myself an oxygen mask first (ie.  my therapy session)?  I had my session with M scheduled to overlap with CDQ's since I was sitting out there the whole time doing nothing...so the AT asks CDQ if she wants me in the room and of course CDQ says yes now.  I should go back and find the post about talking to AT about being in the room from the get go and getting the thumbs down, anyone remember that?

So, I was confused for a bit about what I should do.  I know they charge $25 if you miss a session and I wasn't sure if they were going to do that.  Plus, M had moved her schedule and moved someone else so I could have this slot...but mainly I was thinking about the rescue thing.

Out loud in front of AT, I had mumbled that I wasn't sure what I should do and I heard her mumble back that I needed to do whatever my child needed.  Hmmmm... I guess that's all I'll say about that, for now anyway.

Anyhow, with M in the room it was easier to get AT to stop and listen to what I was saying. She would interrupt and say something to M who would turn around and ask me a question or look to me so I could say something.

So, we talked about a residential treatment center (RTC) but I said that I didn't want her to go. I always say I don't want her to learn new things but can you imagine the whole new set of traumas if she was "taken" from my home and placed with A LOT more people to be afraid of. It breaks my heart when I think of it that way. So for now, she will be seeing the therapist twice a week.

I made it clear there was to be no more Jonas Bros or any music at all. This in front of M, who I told a couple of months ago the one time I saw her, that I didn't want that anymore. Wow, that sentence sucks. I hope it makes sense. I'm just wondering when M sat in that day if she remembers that was a topic we discussed before.

I also told AT we needed to find a way for ME to bond with CDQ especially if she had flipped into processing trauma.

I told her about CDQ telling me she was scared to be in there with her AT. So AT asked her if she wanted me in there and she did. I don't think AT likes me in there.  Actually, I don't think AT likes me at all, but that's neither here nor there. It's not about me after all.

Finally, I was taught something that helps. Tapping.

I thought there was something special to it because the way she explained to me before was that she was opening up CDQ during the sessions and would close her before she left. So I had never tried the tapping before.

Basically, all you do is tap the shoulders, the head, the tops of the knees, and the sides of her back gently with your fingers.  This helps with the chatter. It also helps calm her down BIG TIME.  I had to use it that night we got back from the therapist and it literally took her back to center under 5 minutes.  I timed it. While you are doing this, you talk to her subconscious and tell her she is safe and that you are there to keep her safe and that you are completely there for her.  So even if she's chattering and stuff, when she takes a break to breathe tell her she's safe and it actually slows down the chatter to silence. If you're worried she's going to ask a question that may set her off if you don't answer, tell her to take deep breaths. That's what I did.

I did tapping again tonight and this time aside from telling her she was safe, I did it while she was talking about her nightmares and I shifted her from talking about bad stuff to focusing on good stuff. I asked her what she thought would happen if she forgot the bad stuff.  Of course, I'm not suggesting she will completely forget, but I brought this up because it just seems to me that she is perpetuating all the bad things in her mind because she may feel she needs to remember it or something.

I asked her what she thought would happen if she focused on good memories. Specifically safe memories. Of course, those were things from here. I asked her what made her happy and safe. She named foods and holidays. I asked her if there was a season that made her feel safe. She said winter because we stay inside and are warm.

She asked me if her mind was confusing her when it came to the music stuff. Because she really does think it makes her happy and then it makes her mad that she can't hear it. One of the things she said made her feel safe was strawberries.  I asked her if strawberries made her feel mad and scared like the music does. She smiled and said "no".  So, I told her I thought maybe she should think about that when it comes to the music.

She left my room pretty happy and was bubbly for the rest of the night.  I'm not saying that the tapping is transforming her. I'm sure the other shoe will drop, but it helps to let me talk to the real CDQ. Sure she came back and questioned me more about music and I told her I wanted her to focus on things that weren't going to scare her before bedtime. I thought I was going to get THE FLIP...but she stayed regulated, there was a flicker but I had said I wanted her to feel safe and happy when she went to bed and apparently that's what she wanted for tonight as well.

So for now, the ride has slowed and hopefully will come to a complete stop for a little bit. In the meantime, I will be catching my breath. :-)