Things we take for granted...

The oldest and I spent some time together this weekend. Saturday we ran over to Old Navy and took advantage of their $2 cami sale.

I've always wanted to visit this place in the mall that I call the junk shack. I don't know the real name of the shop because I'm always ogling the "junk". When I say junk, I'm talking about: candy, ice cream, sundaes, pickles, cookies, and....slushies.

I have a confession to make. I am a HUGE slushie, icee, slurpee FREAK!  Seriously.

I haven't been able to go to this shop because I've been with THE GRANDMASTM  (<--  My mom and my grandmother, that's what we've been calling them around here and it's sooo much easier to type. lol) and they are both diabetics or usually Hubbins and I have just left the movie theater which we've both already consumed popcorn, nachos, and/or icees during the movie.

Soooo, I jumped on the opportunity to visit the junk shop. I told the oldest whatever she wanted to get to go for it.  I went directly to the slushie area and immediately chose a medium jolly rancher green apple slush, the oldest chose a sugar cone dipped in chocolate topped with a massive scoop of mint chocolate chip.

All was good in the world.

lol.

We went out to the parking lot to get in the car and I noticed she was dripping ice cream everywhere. I decided we were going to stand outside of the car and let her finish it. As I watched her eat, I realized she had no idea how to eat an ice cream cone.  She was eating it like a toddler. The ice cream was dripping on all sides all over her shoes, shirt and hand.  The oldest is 14 years old.  I know she's had cones in the past, but I just took it for granted she knew how to eat it.  So I teasingly coached her on how to eat the cone.

It's been hard to be around her lately because she's been really combative.  I know the teen years. But I'm worried. She's the only child who wasn't diagnosed with RAD but only because of the answers I had given at the time of the evals. I didn't know she was lying and stealing.  Back then she wanted to live here, but as an only child.  I'm positive if I had known what she was doing and answered my portion of the questions to reflect that she would have been diagnosed as well.

It appears to me, based on what she tells me, that she struggles with a voice in her head and her inner self. The voice in her head keeps telling her to be against me and everything I say but her inner self keeps admitting that what I say to her is right.

Last night I talked to her about school. I've cut back on her studies considerably (all of my children) because I saw they weren't able to keep focused and were often disassociating.  But I've been encouraging her to move forward. She is supposed to be a freshman in high school but she is re-doing the 6th grade in Time 4 Learning because apparently she missed that (and for those of you who remember, yes...I did pay a fortune for her to go to catholic school for 6th grade).

I told her I was worried not only because she was so far behind but despite what she thinks, there are things  that I am worried she is going to miss out on that aren't academic related.  I mentioned homecomings and Proms.  I told her in the end they aren't really such a big deal but for her age range it's really fun.

I could've graduated as a junior in HS but I decided to stay my senior year for the activities. Sometimes, I can kick myself for that and other times I'm glad I did stay but wish I would have gone to the local JC concurrently. But hindsight and all that...

I told her about special interest clubs and all the things that could be available to her.  I told her for all we knew she could end up Prom Queen or class President or none of those things.

As a parent of special needs kids,  I know that there are differences and there are things that we (my kids and myself as a parent) will miss out on because of their special needs. I've never said anything to them about the things that I would miss out on, because really who cares?

But I let it slip that I had dreams of helping her pick out a prom dress or even making her one.

She looked at me and her lower lip started to tremble.  She said "You would do that for me?"

That crushed me. OF COURSE I would do that for you!  That's what I wanted to scream. I had already figured I would be doing that as her Aunt in the future before I became her parent, because God knows her mother wouldn't be able to for what ever reasons.

She was doing the ugly cry and almost got me going. I asked her why she was crying because I wasn't about to guess, I mean 14 and all, you know?  She told me she doesn't understand after all she's done to me and the way she's been treating me lately why I still do things for her.

I asked her what she meant, and she said taking her to buy her shirts and ice cream. She said she thought about it and couldn't understand why I would still do that.

I told her just because I get upset doesn't mean that I don't love her or want to spend time with her.

To me those are little things, insignificant.  $2 shirts? An ice cream cone? That's just every day life.  But to her it means something.

I know I am awful about sharing my "good" feelings. It's hard for me to put myself out there when it comes to that. I'm thinking I should totally start talking about the future with them and the things I see myself doing with them as they get older if it were to come to pass. No pressure you know?

And I definitely need to open my eyes and start paying attention to those "little insignificant" things that mean a lot to them.  The things that I take for granted because I didn't think they gave a damn.  Now figuring out what they are...that's my next challenge.

But I'm game for it. :-)