He discussed the stress model and how we can help ourselves and our children if we understand it.
The stress model consists of three parts.
Behavior
Emotion
Stress
The model works upwards because, for those of you who have read Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control , we have learned that
“All behavior stems from a neurophysiological state of stress (dysregulation) and in between stress and behavior there lies the presence of a primary emotion. It is through the expression of emotions that we gain access into both behavior and stress. Through emphasis on the effective expression of emotions, parents can foster the environment necessary to calm or regulate the neurophysiological state of stress and diminish the demonstrated behavior.”
So, beneath the stress part above you would see the triggering event and then stress turns into an emotion- either love (regulation) or fear (dysregulation) depending on which emotion is felt you will either see negative or positive emotions.
Simple enough right?
This was Thursday night, fast forward to yesterday morning where I was trying to explain the model to the 14 year old. I didn't expect her to get it, but if she did and understood her behaviors... well I figured it couldn't hurt.
This is what happened in my house, yesterday (Saturday was yesterday when I wrote this) morning I spent the entire morning making berrylicious smoothies with my kids 2 at a time with the youngest and then one last time with the oldest. They also made strawberry and banana kabobs. It was uneventful. CDQ was the only one who didn't seem to like the smoothie, but I did have her drink it anyway because out of all my kids, she needs all the nutrients from it the most. I just told her next time we make it, to remind me but that we were going to use different berries so she might want to try that anyway.
After breakfast, CDQ asked me if she could read a book. Here I have to say that the night before CDQ moved down from 3rd grade to 2nd grade because she's not cutting it. I can hear her laughing and clicking anything and everything when she's on the computer, she's purposefully not paying attention and doesn't care about school work. She used to excel at it and care but now all she cares about is pop stars and listening to music, watching tv. I know how this portion of the post can be torn to bits but let me keep explaining.
Anyhow, that night she told me it was too hard to concentrate and that she couldn't focus on the paragraphs and she was having trouble, etc... I fell for it. Hence the move to 2nd grade (keep in mind she should be starting 5th grade this year.)
Going back (and sorry to make this so confusing) she asked me to read her book and I told her no. We were setting up for a movie (Diary of a Wimpy Kid) and I saw no point to her going and pulling the book from the shelf when I was about to call her back out in less than 5 minutes.
They watch the movie while I run out to the library to return books, goodwill to donate stuff, and then to buy a new kitchen faucet (3rd one so far) because they broke the old one. I'm heading home when Hubbins calls me and asks if the kids (read CDQ) can read her book. I said no. I had actually been thinking about it and I'm trying to figure out how in the world she can read a book when she can't read a paragraph for homeschool? I'm also getting worried because I don't think backwards is good. I mean I'm still accountable to the state (and of course to the kids) for their education and I don't know if the state really gives a ---- about their traumas, ya know? I've just seen so many horror stories.
So I figure if she can read her book, she should be able to homeschool for a little bit, no?
Well, my saying no triggered this huge blow out in her. She's being abused here, she's not allowed to do anything, she's just sitting and rotting in her bedroom. I find all this out when I get home. I haven't even tried to publish anything about the major BS that is going down here when it comes to my grandmother. But I am stressed to the point where I feel like my heart is going to just bust and give out.
So, I get home and I hear all this $%^& about her not getting the disney channel or getting to watch tv (remember this is RIGHT after they saw that movie and we've never had the disney channel or cable/satellite since they've been here). What do I do? I stay regulated and calm and work through it, right?
Um, NO!
I go into my own drama because really...WTF? Abused? Really? *sigh*
I close myself in my room, sitting on the floor behind my recliner and venting to Hubbins that I am so done. If they want to send her to RTC, Good Riddance! I was just at the end of my rope because I know she is a stressor to my other kids and I know their healing would be easier if she wasn't here. But I keep fighting it and the last thing I want is for her to go into RTC. I think she would come back worse.
So anyhow, I am boohooing and bitching and moaning and I tangent into how stressed I am and how my chest and back hurts everyday. I get up because I was making dinner and I go out there and start serving the kids and I'm thinking about the things I have learned as much as I possibly can in this state of mind. SS tells me that CDQ is saying mean thing about me and yelling at me (I heard none of it). But I go to her room and I tell her I am not going to argue with her but she better watch what she's saying because she's going to regret it later on when all this has passed over (Sometimes CDQ says things and then after she feels so bad about what she says she starts digging her nails into herself or scratching herself with her nails). I'm about to walk away when she starts in on me, but this ground is familiar. My mind flashes to her period pills and how it's the last orange before the white period week pills and suddenly like a ton of bricks it hits me what's going on.
CDQ regresses every month during her period, just like clockwork. Last month, when I had her regulated, I told her to remember what had happened and how it has to do with her period so this month she would know when she started to feel that way and then this month would be unicorns and rainbows and crap because she would KNOW what it was about. So dense and naive that I am, even I forgot. But no, I didn't stop there.
I was all like REMEMBER! This is your period stuff, it will go away. I was all relieved about it and figured it would be a light bulb moment for her and life would go on and the clouds would part and angels would be singing... but, um. No. She was still pissed.
I didn't know that until I called them out for dinner and I got daggers from her, so I sent her back to her room and I met her in there right after (I still can't walk normal, so it takes me a little longer) as soon as I went in the room, I told her to come to me and I hugged her. I told her I was sorry that I got mad and that my feelings were hurt by what she said and then I ended up doing the same exact thing she was doing to me. I told her I was trying to push her away like she pushes me away because I was upset. I asked her if she did realize that this had to do with her period. And she said she did. I also asked her if she was in pain. She said she had really bad cramps and they just started getting worse as the day went on. I reminded her that she needs to tell me when this happens because I don't know unless she tells me and I can give her something to stop the pain.
But then I realized that this is the neuro stuff her therapist is talking about. These are the connections that we are trying to undo and connect in other ways in her brain. Somehow in my mind, the light bulb came on and I realized that she was getting madder and madder at me because her mother caused her pain and she connected her pain to the mother figure (me now) and I was causing her pain by *ignoring* her pain. I mean, logically how can I ignore her when I don't know because she never said, but she's developmentally the age of a toddler. (note to self: remind kids and girls at least once a month that they have to tell me something is wrong or hurts whenever they feel it).
So, I was hugging her but I stood back and grabbed her arms because I just felt like *I* had to breathe. I'm holding her arms and telling her that I need to breathe and she should breathe with me. So we are taking deep breathes as I move our arms up and down and after the third time she takes the lead of moving our arms. We do that for a few minutes and then we just sit down on her bed and I hold her close to me with my arm.
I asked her if she's ok and she she tells me she is, I asked her if we're ok and she nods that we are. I asked her if she feels ready to eat and she says she is. Then I did something stupid ,as usual, nothing big, maybe tripped or something- can't remember, I just remember laughing about it and her smile.
Later my mom stopped me to ask me what was going on with CDQ. I tell her she was used to her mother causing her pain and she's associated pain with the mother figure who is now me. My mom just stared at me. She doesn't get it. I hope when she takes the course next month that something will click for her.
Later CDQ came to me and said she wanted to tell me something but didn't know how. She told me she has bad dreams about her bio mom but her face changes to mine and vice versa. She says she doesn't understand because when she has bad dreams about her bio father, it's always him- it doesn't shift between him and Hubbins and it confuses her.
I had her repeat that to my mom and my mom thought it was weird. I told her it's part of her RAD diagnosis.
CDQ also talked to me about music and disney crap. For a few months, I said everything disney was okay-- movies and music. I trusted them. I no longer do. I pulled up the current cd of miley cyrus and I showed her what she looks like now, then I pulled up britney pics before and now. I told them that the music industry exploits both the stars and the fans and that I did not want to contribute to the demise of these poor girls. I said if they wanted to they could listen to it whenever it was radio time and they came on, but that was the extent that I was going to go.
I also mentioned that I was thinking that movies, books and music might have to be connected to better grades because some people just didn't care anymore. All of a sudden CDQ knew her grades would get better and she was all about how she could do this and that and the other.
I've gotta be honest. I think some behaviors are just straight out manipulation. If the stressor is the desire for something. Well we all have wants, but that doesn't make it a need. I know there are ways to rationalize this to fit the BCLC model and I know this shows me flipping towards the more traditional Nancy Thomas approach. But I don't think I should have to bribe my kids so they can get an education. I might be more understanding if they had learning disabilities but from what I can tell, only one of them has a LD and she's the one who works the hardest and the longest. I have to pull her away from the program. I understand trauma and stress makes it hard to focus and I tell them if they are stressed out they don't need to log in and for most of them they are honest about it. I just need to keep my eyes open because I worry the oldest is influencing CDQ about school and music and I don't like it one bit.
