Mother's Day

Well, Hubbins tried his best and did a good job to try to patch the day up for me.  But in the end it was Hubbins and the oldest who wished me a happy mother's day.  I can't forget either how Purries and Smudge greeted me in song when I walked through their "bedroom" door this morning. Lots of kitty love. The others...well, I just didn't exist for them today. 

Even my baby sister texted me happy mother's day, but she still slips and calls me mommy sometimes. (long story).  

I didn't expect anything from them, but it just sometimes reaffirms in me that I made a huge mistake. RAD or not. I know people say that adopted children are the same as bio children, but I just don't feel that way.  I also know my situation is different. 

Sometimes I feel like I cheated all of us by going through with the adoption. Sometimes, I feel like I cheated them out of a mother because maybe it would have been easier for them to attach to a complete stranger. And I feel like I cheated Hubbins and myself out of children because I struggle with the whole bio child issue and how these kids can and will damage any children we might have. Mentally, sexually, physically. 

GS makes it even harder when I am with all the "normal" kids.  I did day camp with them on Saturday and their love and affection just flows so freely and they are so carefree and innocent.  It's hard to switch from that place where those kids are genuinely happy and engaged and come back in to the tension and unhappiness and coldness.

Literally, coming in from the warmth of our yard with those kids, into our home. Why weren't my kids out? Because they had already started their "holiday" behavior. Stealing, lying, hating.  I had to protect the kids outside from my kids.  Because with my kids, it's totally acceptable to brag about how you broke a boys nose just because he sat too close to you. (which I don't even believe it is true) but with those kids, it makes them scared and sad to hear that and they actually cry just to hear the words. All I need is for them to tell their parents. Then I have to explain how my kids lie.  

Anyhow, I hope everyone had a Happy Mother's Day! 

Talking about disruption...

I've been reading on the net a lot since I've seen the traffic come through from my post on the 20/20 RAD show.

Mainly following links to the searches people did to come to my blog. At first, I just wanted to throw my laptop across the room because it's so frustrating to read the words of people who have no clue.

Especially those who think it's "all about you". Yes, parents of RAD children will talk about themselves because just how much of what your RAD kid does can you share or better yet, should you share? So, at least for me, I end up talking about me and my feelings a lot on my blog. To the point where I have counted the number of "I"s in a post and even not posted at all.

Parenting RAD children is a huge blow to a person's health. I know there are people out there who are getting on just fine. But those are the people who already know the ropes. I think I can say for the rest of us who had never heard of RAD and were suddenly faced with these children who had problems that even psychologists couldn't diagnose, RAD wears you down and tears you apart.

For myself, I have gained 40 lbs since the kids were placed with me. Not to overeating but actual stress and lack of sleep. I have clumps of hair falling out everyday. Fistfuls. I get severe chest pains, so painful I can't even breathe sometimes. I think I can safely add depression to this list as well. I've even had thoughts of suicide, even though it's something I know I will never do. I have turned my back on God several times and I've just turned into this person that I don't want to be.

Some can say that I am weak but most that know me, know that isn't true. I've dealt with difficult kids. But never anything like this before. I've been through a lot of things that the kids have been through. I thought maybe that's why God had placed them here with me, because I could relate.

I never set out to adopt. This started as helping out a family member. But then, these kids, my kids, they are my family and they had no one else in the world to go to. No one else responsible enough, no one else who made it out. I thought I did all the right things to secure their needs before the adoption. They weren't like this...before.

I am at the point where I have no help. I tried and tried and I've been tossed from one person to the next. I just feel like my kids are spiraling downward and downward and there's nothing left that I can do to help...that is except disruption. Then people will be forced to help them. At least that's what it seems like. No one is listening. People who are supposed to help, have no clue and they keep telling me the wrong things. These things just make things worse.

But tonight, I found more blogs and more people with kids like mine who are doing the things that I am doing and it's working. Slowly but surely, it's working for them and it's the right thing to do. WE ARE NOT ALONE!

Disruption or dissolution isn't a thing that people do when they didn't get what they wanted. I can't believe that's why disruption happens. I think it happens when you feel that you can't help the child(ren) anymore and it's in their best interest. When you feel like you are going to break and you've tried everything and then some. Disruption isn't about lack of love for the child(ren) either. It's about loving them so much you let them go and being able to admit that they need something more than you can give. Of course, it seems like we will never be enough but I'm talking about the things that they need that can't be provided.

I've talked about disrupting because up until days ago, I thought two of my kids were in the category of what they call "failure to thrive". I didn't believe it was all their disorders, I thought it was the placement. I thought it was me. I was screwing them up and causing them to be this way.

My kids hid their RAD for over a year and a half. They started to unravel shortly after their one and only visit with their mother, before that they were happy and adjusting well- no stealing, lying, fighting, meltdowns. None. The boy was the only one with food issues.

There were nightmares and questions, lots of questions we weren't allowed to answer. As for the visit, I don't know what she said or did to them. All I know is that the oldest started telling them to act as bad as they could and they would get to go back with their mom. She told them that because she wanted to be an only child. I also know they were hurt because their mom wouldn't put down her cell phone at the visit. That's all they kept saying to each other about the visit. Maybe it was a revelation to them.....they would never come first. I will never know what triggered all hell to break loose.

At any rate, days ago, I read about other kids and they have the SAME behaviors. I shared something like Poufy and the Ensure drinks and people responded like it was normal. It's a normal thing and other RAD moms even offered up alternative solutions! I watched the girl on 20/20 meltdown and I saw CDQ.

But the only way I know how to get help is to put things out there on this blog. To ask hard questions for a public forum where some people will get their panties in a wad. But if it helps my kids it will be what I have to do. I don't have respite workers or attachment therapists, or anyone. Just my husband and I. Disruption isn't something on our mind so much any more. If this is "normal" than we are ok. We aren't causing more damage to the kids. Which was our main concern.


So for now, we will keep chugging along and see where we end up. I still can't say that this won't be my biggest regret in life... but we will see how it turns out.

Still One Short

So, we left at 2 pm, not at 6 am like I originally wanted to nor at 11 am, like we said would be our drop dead time. Oh well, it was way more than either of us thought it would be.

We stayed in Williams, Az the first night but not until having the exhaust pipe bust 30 miles from the hotel. Needless to say, it was pitch dark when it happened. I still drove it into town. The next morning, I got everything and everyone loaded up and we set out to find someone who could fix it. There was one little shop in town that had a lift that could lift the van, really they were those hand crank flat jacks...can't think of the name.

Anyway, we paid $60 just to have them wire it up. Argh! I wish I could have lifted the van myself because I could have done it for less than $5 (the cost of the wire). Then we were on our way to Vista, Ca. The kids were pretty good because we rigged up this laptop to play movies for them. It hung from a clothes rack attachment I bought. Pretty Cool. Bigger than any portable DVD on the market that I know of and widescreen to boot! We plugged in speakers and they could have been at the theater.

Anyway, we dragged ourselves into the hotel there. Can I just take a moment now to tell you how much it sucks to be the only one lugging all the crap in? I mean I had to disassemble and reassemble Hub's lift every single frickin' place.

Hubs had spasms the whole entire time. He had to sleep in his wheel chair the entire trip because it was the only thing that would stop the spasms for him. I felt so bad and so helpless for him. On the upside he was able to get real showers because they had roll in showers for him, which we don't have at home...yet.

Anyway, bright and early Wednesday, I got everyone up, showered and dressed. We left on time but got lost and passed right by the courthouse. We didn't realize that when we did get to the courthouse there wouldn't be a parking space left in the whole lot. Luckily, I had experience with the CSUN parking lots and quickly found someone who was leaving (yep, I asked) and followed them until they found their car.

We were lost and late. But they had pushed us back and our wait was short. It was strange to meet the social worker. She wasn't what I expected, well, I don't really know what I expected but she has been an incredible help to us. The courtroom had fold up seating like at the movies and the kids took up an aisle. The social worker was telling me it was only going to take about 1o minutes and that it seems like a lot of work to lead up to such a short event.

I looked over and all the kids were sitting, they had saved me a chair. But that empty chair. We were one short. After all this, and all the years, Bela was still missing. I don't know what I thought. I've never really grieved for my Squishy. It's all been such a whirlwind that I haven't really had one single minute to really think about it all. I broke down in sobs. I know I scared the social worker. Hubs was worried. I told him we were still one short and he understood but I could see the concern on the social workers face. I didn't know what to say to her because I didn't want the kids to hear or to mention Bela on this day. I tried to calm myself and luckily I was able to in time for the judge to come out.

He introduced himself to each of us one by one. Then he told the kids what being adopted meant= forever family and asked them individually if that is what they wanted. Then he told us what it meant to be adopting the kids and Hubs and I agreed we would treat the children as our own and give them a loving home. It all went so quickly that I only got pictures of Poufy and the Boy signing and agreeing that they wanted to be adopted.


I don't know if we get copies of those but they did give me copies of the blanks before anyone signed. I 'm thinking of having the kids sign those in their shaky writing so that they can see.

It was funny because the oldest supervised our part in signing the adoption papers, she checked Hubs signature over his other shoulder as he signed. Then she watched the judge sign. She seemed to be relieved. They all were excited.

CDQ was excited. I could tell by the way she acted all noncommittal and said "Whatever". It's part of her RAD diagnosis. I told her I would take this picture of her getting cozy with the plant anyway. After I snapped the picture she came up and hugged me tightly. And that was it. Outside the social worker told us that all we needed was the court stamped papers and that was it. No more social worker, no more California. They were ours. I still didn't get it though...

Stay tuned for the next installment of our week long trip...

We're Back!!!!!

I'm almost ready to start my posting. After making sure every cat, fish and dog survived, I've been watering every plant and tree. So much bloomed while we were gone!

Plus, I've gotten through half the wash because that mountain needed to be tackled. So, I have yet to unpack everything else and find the camera and the camcorder.

But here's a sneak preview: car trouble, Adoption, Disneyland, Grand Canyon, The Flintstones, etc... I hope I remember everything.

Hope everyone else is well, as I have yet to catch up with most of my blog reading!

It's a date!

So the week before last the social worker called and let me know--it's official--we have a date...

April 16, 2008-- ADOPTION DAY!

Who's freaking out???


I AM! I AM!

When I start to think about how the handicap van needs new brakes, an oil change and a tune-up. We need to buy a spare tire too just in case and the GAS... prices have shot up. Hotel rooms, food, cramming 5 kids, their suitcases and all hubs medical equipment that needs to go in the van. The DRIVE! ARGH!

Things are a little tight with the increased car insurance, the new van payment, Easter and what I thought were 2 First Holy Communions this month. Luckily, we were able to push back the Communions until May but even so, I am nearly all set for that thanks to a gift from God.

We are set for Easter. Easter outfits were already bought (and will double for Adoption outfits) as were Easter baskets so that's all taken care of.

I know God will come through for us,despite their mother's sabotage, because this has obviously been what he has been working towards. It's just scary knowing that I am the one that still has to pull it all off. I know I will, I always do but my shoulders are so heavy.

I've been sick and I suppose that's making me more sensitive. Maybe?

It will all work out. It's going to be here before we even know it and we will be a forever family.

Tackle It Tuesday-- Another Late Edition

I haven't been home all day and finally I had a chance to finish up the last of the-- are you ready?

ADOPTION PAPERS!

These three little envelopes are going to permanently change our lives forever. Well, not necessarily the envelopes but definitely the adoption will finalize it all, of course.

As I sealed the last envelope I asked Hubs if he still wanted to do this because he needed to speak now or forever hold his peace. He said he still wanted to but it wasn't the naive Hubs that practically bubbled over in the beginning. It was more of a cautious Hubs who has been worn down and beat up by 5 children. lol

I guess what it boils down to, is despite how much they torment us and treat us so badly, we can still see a dim light at the end of the tunnel. Even if it's a tiny little tip of a needle dot of light. It's still something and for now, that's good enough for us.

So that is my tackle, small and yet soooo big. For more tackles or if you are tackling something yourself and want to join, click here.

Busted!

Ok, my oldest is 11. She's very two faced. One way towards me/another way when she's out and about. Actually, she's more like eight faced. Anyway...

She acts like she's 16.

Things were really weird. I called to talk to her teacher and they told me that they thought she was on a field trip. WTF?

I never signed a permission slip. She's forged my name before.

I know she has the hots for a boy who doesn't care about her...at all.


I think to myself...WWHMD...What would her mother do??

Her mom was/still is the biggest whore on the block. My mom picked her up from many a cul-de-sac, yanking her off some boy here and there long before she finally got pregnant for the first time at 15.

I had to drop off some doctors excuses for the kids who had recently been to the dentist. I decided to wait and see if my hunch of WWHMD would come to pass.

As my other kids came out, I casually asked the kids, as if I knew something, which bus does B ride?

Quickly they spit out the number. Another kid even told me the story of how she couldn't find her sister so she looked there and there she was.

Sure as my name is Sasha. I saw this child making a fool of herself. Only her. I waited and watched a little more to make sure, it was almost like seeing her mother making a fool out of herself when she was younger.

There was another girl with her, D. I know this girl and I know her parents are far more stricter than me. If they knew my kid's background they would forbid her to speak with my kid. She was looking flustered and there was my kid convincing her to go back. Finally, she gave in and went and that's when I went.

It happened so fast she didn't even know what hit her. I grabbed her arm like a toddler and led her from the area as I asked if that was where she was supposed to be. Of course, she tried to give me excuses. But I led her with the four other kids in tow.

Other than not having my permission to be there. The school does not allow children who aren't riding the buses to be out there.

If looks could kill, I would be dead.

I used to pull her mother out of places she wasn't supposed to be. I was responsible for this girl because I was the oldest and she made my life hell until I gave up and left it for my mom and her dad to figure out. I gave up and she got pregnant.

If I keep this one. I'm not giving up. I will be the biggest bitch she will ever cross. It just makes me sad and angry.

Sad that I have to be this type of Aunt and angry that I am being cheated of "normal" children and a family of my own.

Today, I went back and forth and back and forth and my heart felt heavy because when I thought of packing up all the kids stuff and sending them away, I felt physically better.

As I continued with that thought and how I would take back our rooms and have so much more space and then maybe one of those rooms would be a nursery I just felt like such a weight had been lifted and I felt relieved.

All I want is normal. I left my family behind because I didn't want to live like that. I wanted something more. But unknowingly, I invited all that crap into my home and I am struggling internally.

Can I make this work? Can I change these children? or is it too late. Will I waste the rest of my life chasing them trying to keep them straight in theirs?

My mom is still chasing my sister and my youngest one too. They are 27 and 23. I don't want to live like that.

Riding the caffeine train...

Forgive me if I am not coherent in this post but my mind is swarming with unfinished thoughts, thoughts that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to complete.



I got about 2 hours of sleep. I stayed up all night so that I could make sure two of the kids wouldn't steal from us. It's so hard trying to prevent them from getting themselves in trouble when they are so hell bent on it.



Plus, they seem to have inherited the guilt-free gene and the point-the-finger gene, and the martyr gene from their parents.



Around 5 am, I heard the rustle and the tiny voices planning their strategic attack. What they didn't plan on was me-- sitting in the living room folding clothes and doing cross-stitch while watching Netflix on my PC.



Heh heh...they waited and waited and lo and behold....the sun! What is this madness?



Around 3 pm I finally crashed only to have to get up around 4:30 pm to try to go out and buy some milk for this week's breakfast.



Here's my background. It will be limited because I am not even privy to what exactly happened and there are investigations still going on (I think...)



January of 2006, I get a call from my mother...my youngest niece who just turned a year is hurt something happened. It's really bad. She's not responding.



I get off the phone. I tell Hubs I know she is dead. I still reach out for prayers but I know if she survives, she will just be a shell. She had just turned a year old a month earlier. There are "allegations" of abuse and trauma that I can surmise to be possible shaken baby syndrome.



See, I have a half sister...three of them actually. But this one...she takes the cake. She's the biggest whore loser in the world. I didn't talk to her before because I knew what she was and I don't associate with people like that. I told her the very thing that is happening now would come if she didn't change her ways.



I called CPS, I reported and reported. It was her "prerogative" as the mother. Meanwhile, the rest of my family kept me in the dark. Just as they are doing now. It's always been me and them. My mother is included in "them". She would die for them but if she had to do it for me, I know it would be more like "but if I do it for you, who will take care of them" type of thing. I'd never ask her to...and I'm not jealous. That's just the way it is.



I mention it because of the irony. Her mother did it to her as well when she remarried and had other children. To this day those other children come first no matter what they have done.



It just so happened that Hubs and I had just completed the foster training program where we live and we were looking to foster to see if we could handle children with Hubs condition and all. Hubs wants kids so badly. I'm indifferent...maybe I'll touch on that some day.



I told my mother that I would take in my sister's five remaining kids. I was told that she would fulfill her end of the deal and that she would get them back. But when I talked to people in charge, not my family, I was told there were no plans for reunification. None. Nada. zilch. zero.



I didn't know what to believe. I didn't trust anyone. But I said if push came to shove, I would adopt.



The problem is...I knew there was something wrong with my sister. Something not right. But I never, ever, ever thought anything remotely near what these kids have told me and I never knew that they were so rotten, evil and conniving.



Yes, I am describing children...and yes, they have had traumatic experiences. But I have never seen such deception, such lake of morality, such heartlessness. They are good at hiding it. I tell people what they do to us and they find it hard to believe.



They each have their ways. The 11 year old is good at molding and reshaping herself. She's a different person to everyone. The 8 year old keeps her mouth shut and that's how she gets under the radar with people. The 7 year old, she has more of a temper and can't seem to keep it in check..but she thinks she's so cute that she can just cock her head to side and smile and the world will be right again. The 6 year old--she talks out of both sides of her mouth. She's smart and she uses it to her advantage. The 6 year old boy, he's violent both physically and verbally but only in our house and only to me and Hubs.



No one sees them for who they are. Everyone feels so sorry for them. Heck, Hubs and I did too...But then we grew wise quickly. They have everyone fooled. No one has ever seen their true colors. The closest is the 7 year old's teacher. From my understanding... the college student who was doing her internship in the classroom bolted and changed her mind about becoming a teacher because of my 7 year old and she didn't even give them everything she has. They just saw a glimpse of the surface.



They are so devious they even go so far as to use the death of their sister to get their way and to gain attention. People tell me this is normal?? How can it be? I cannot permit such a thing. It is so disrespectful. People can't tell me that they just don't know what they are doing because they do. I've told them and if they know enough to use it for sympathy and to get their way, they damn well know enough not to do it and why not.



I did not have a childhood myself, and I was abused and molested. I've never used that as an excuse. Did I endure the same abuse as they did? Probably not. But there are the scars from the physical, emotional and mental abuse I took my whole life. They are young and I will give them that they may not know the opportunities that have opened up to them being here with me; but I'll be damned if I let them use the past as an excuse not to move forward. As a survivor, they can't tell me. Some people think that I am being harsh. I don't understand how. Stuff happens. You pick yourself up and dust yourself off and you move forward. If you don't you are just living a slow suicide in my opinion.



I keep coming to this crossroads. In the beginning. All signs pointed to God wanting this to happen. The coincidence of our fostering license and our house being the right size for all these kids. But now, I don't know.



It's not cold feet. I know I can do this. But it's a question of if I really want to. I had no choice when it came to losing my childhood. I made stupid choices when I was a teen and in my early 20s choosing to basically raise my ex-step-sister's 4 kids for several years and then taking care of my sister when she became pregnant at 15.



But I am 31 now and this here is my time. Hubs and I had just started planning our lives. If I do this and I am unable to change the kids, I'll have wasted yet another part of my life and after that, what will be left?


We had plans for children. We don't know if we are able to, but if we are... what would we be bringing that child into? Lying, thieving, promiscuity, possible abuse? There are no signs of change in these kids. The only thing they have gotten better at is hiding there indiscretions.

If we can't have children, we cannot even adopt. Because we have them.

Some might be asking, you have 5, why would you want more?

If you have a child, think about the sweetness and the innocence and the connection that you have with your child. Think about how you have molded that child and all the happy times you share on your blog and just in your life.

Why should we be denied that?

Because we are trying to keep a family together? It hardly seems fair and when weighed the trade off just does not seem right.

I am their Aunt. I will never be their mother. I don't want to be their mother either.

I try everything I can think of. They are in therapy, I consult books and forums and social workers and parents and no one has a word to give us. Nobody knows what to do with them either.

It seems like we are met with a "better you than me".

I'm trying but I just don't know if we are the right answer anymore. If we quit, the 11 year old will most likely grow up in the system until she ages out and I know that the others will be abused again.

They were abused the short time that they were in foster care before they came to me. I fear that they will end up being one of the kids where the foster parent killed the child. They will be separated.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes, I think that, even though I am not directly related to them, I am still too close. Sometimes I think that separation from each other and all family might save them. Other times, I think despite their ages, they are already lost.

I wish I knew someone, anyone, who has been in my position. Someone with some wisdom and insight about this exact thing. But this stuff here... this "family" stuff...it's what VC Andrews books are made of. And God... seems he's leaving this one up to me.*



*mental picture of God shrugging his shoulders and saying "Sorry, I've got nothin'"