Judgement

This probably isn't the right time to go into this because I am fuming, but what better time is there?

First, we all have enough judgement being thrown at us from our own children and I've learned that women and mothers in particular can be so frickin' judgmental over how others raise their children.

I stumbled across a blog post regarding a parent searching to help find her child a new home. Yes, disruption.   There was mention that there was nothing "wrong" with the child, the age of the child and the length the child had been in the home.

The writer spoke about how the whole thing disgusted her. How the parents disgusted her.

I then read the comments... and then *I* felt disgusted and sick to my stomach.

I'm failing to see how disruption is a bad thing, or how it has to do with unconditional love, or being a REAL parent.

When push comes to shove, who in adoption is a real parent?  I know this will piss some people off.  Yes, we are in the trenches and doing all the dirty work, but at the end of the day, we are still parent like, but not the real (read bio) thing. I've heard children/adults even speak of steps and adoptive parents that mean the world to them and are the only parents they know as being the father figure/mother figure.

Even, I, myself having an ex-stepfather, viewed him as the closest thing to a father I had but still not my father. This-- with my bio father being a total waste of space. Not because I had any special ideas about my bio father, I didn't even know him.  I was raised by my grandparents for several years and I told to call them mom and dad, but they aren't. My mom is still my mom, no matter what she's done.  It's just the way it is. Maybe in some cases, children never have those thoughts and if that's so... more power to them.

Furthermore, in the very definition these people use to justify the REAL parent term, they typically say-- would a bio parent be able to return their child? They are making a comparison that just can't be made.

I'm SOOOO tired of hearing how the parents/mother should stick it out with the child.  What happened to mother's intuition?  What happened to doing what's best for the child?

From my point of view, having had to deal with thoughts of disruption, I've always felt it would be selfish of me to keep a child here against his or her will just to prove I could do it or what kind of mother I was.

To me IT IS having unconditional love to consider letting go of your child. When I think about CDQ (or any of my other kids) I wonder if there is something better for them out there than me.  We applaud women who know the difference and let go of their children for adoption because it is the best thing for the child, why can't people see, in some instances, it is the best thing for even an adoptive mother to let go of her child?

Why do some people think if a mother is considering letting go of her child, she's awful and heartless? Why can't you realize the same thoughts that would go through your mind when you would think of giving up a child is also going through hers? Why can't you understand that maybe she is already beating herself up for being such a failure for her child? How is that heartless?

We should support these women who, I believe, are also sacrificing their own hearts to do what's best for their children.

Furthermore, if some parents are truly the monsters others who judge those who are thinking of disruption truly are, then you should applaud that the child is getting a second chance.  Isn't that logical?

I think we need to change our view on disruption, how many of you out there have read how devastating it is for all parties? How many of you have read about how well some children are doing in homes that finally fit for them?

When I see children who have finally found "home" and how they turn around and how happy they really are, it hurts me to think of all that time that was wasted trying to make something work that wasn't meant to be.

When I think about my own children and disruption, I'm torn.  My first thoughts of disruption were because I didn't have the right tools or knowledge. The only support I have are you guys on the net. I have no one in real life.  But through you guys I was able to find the tools. I still lack the confidence and definitely don't know it all but who does?

The second time I've thought of disruption was with CDQ. I had other children to think about protecting.  I also wondered if she wouldn't do well as an only child. But you know what? I spent more time with her and I know it's not what she wants, I know it's her way of running from being uncomfortable. I was able to see it was her way of asking me for help. If I had been given the indication that she truly wanted what she was saying and would thrive, I would have been wrong to try and keep her here. I would have been selfish.  I don't want to lose any of my kids.  They may be huge pains in my @$$ but they are mine. :-)

We need to support each other and not judge. We will never know the big picture. I am not picking on the writer or the commenters from the other blog. I had never been to her blog before and I don't know any of the people or what she is like. I'm not trying to be judgmental either, just offering another viewpoint.  I'm asking that we try to support each other and build each other up and not tear each other down.  It's hard enough asking for help when you don't even have the words to ask for help because you don't know what exactly you need help with. I'm sure we've all been through that.

I am ever so grateful for the first commenter who stepped forward and posted the words reactive attachment disorder on my blog, because I had no idea or clue. If it weren't for her, I would never have found such a wonderful network of women who are willing to put it out there and share what they have learned to help our children. After she gave me the words, I was able to search for myself. I am proud to say that I've turned almost all my children around by myself using the tools that you guys have shared and given me.  Without that, I might have lost my kids because I didn't know there was another way and it has taken a lot for me to step outside of my box to get CDQ the outside help she needs that I just can't give her, but I am able to do that because I now know there is a difference and another way and that I can put it out there on here and ask for help or advice because I AM NOT ALONE.

I stumbled across a post on a blog I kept before this one and I was so embarrassed and sad to read what I had written about the kids. I was scared, angry, frustrated (not much has changed. lol) but it was really bad because I didn't understand and I didn't know what the hell was going on. I'd hate to think I was judged on that post alone, I was so lost and so were my kids.

On a different note, I start my Beyond Consequences class tonight. I'm hopeful and nervous about the whole thing but I will share anything I think might be useful. It is still unbelievable to me that I am actually going to meet other parents in my same state and area where I live who are struggling with RAD issues. It's surreal.

Talking about disruption...

I've been reading on the net a lot since I've seen the traffic come through from my post on the 20/20 RAD show.

Mainly following links to the searches people did to come to my blog. At first, I just wanted to throw my laptop across the room because it's so frustrating to read the words of people who have no clue.

Especially those who think it's "all about you". Yes, parents of RAD children will talk about themselves because just how much of what your RAD kid does can you share or better yet, should you share? So, at least for me, I end up talking about me and my feelings a lot on my blog. To the point where I have counted the number of "I"s in a post and even not posted at all.

Parenting RAD children is a huge blow to a person's health. I know there are people out there who are getting on just fine. But those are the people who already know the ropes. I think I can say for the rest of us who had never heard of RAD and were suddenly faced with these children who had problems that even psychologists couldn't diagnose, RAD wears you down and tears you apart.

For myself, I have gained 40 lbs since the kids were placed with me. Not to overeating but actual stress and lack of sleep. I have clumps of hair falling out everyday. Fistfuls. I get severe chest pains, so painful I can't even breathe sometimes. I think I can safely add depression to this list as well. I've even had thoughts of suicide, even though it's something I know I will never do. I have turned my back on God several times and I've just turned into this person that I don't want to be.

Some can say that I am weak but most that know me, know that isn't true. I've dealt with difficult kids. But never anything like this before. I've been through a lot of things that the kids have been through. I thought maybe that's why God had placed them here with me, because I could relate.

I never set out to adopt. This started as helping out a family member. But then, these kids, my kids, they are my family and they had no one else in the world to go to. No one else responsible enough, no one else who made it out. I thought I did all the right things to secure their needs before the adoption. They weren't like this...before.

I am at the point where I have no help. I tried and tried and I've been tossed from one person to the next. I just feel like my kids are spiraling downward and downward and there's nothing left that I can do to help...that is except disruption. Then people will be forced to help them. At least that's what it seems like. No one is listening. People who are supposed to help, have no clue and they keep telling me the wrong things. These things just make things worse.

But tonight, I found more blogs and more people with kids like mine who are doing the things that I am doing and it's working. Slowly but surely, it's working for them and it's the right thing to do. WE ARE NOT ALONE!

Disruption or dissolution isn't a thing that people do when they didn't get what they wanted. I can't believe that's why disruption happens. I think it happens when you feel that you can't help the child(ren) anymore and it's in their best interest. When you feel like you are going to break and you've tried everything and then some. Disruption isn't about lack of love for the child(ren) either. It's about loving them so much you let them go and being able to admit that they need something more than you can give. Of course, it seems like we will never be enough but I'm talking about the things that they need that can't be provided.

I've talked about disrupting because up until days ago, I thought two of my kids were in the category of what they call "failure to thrive". I didn't believe it was all their disorders, I thought it was the placement. I thought it was me. I was screwing them up and causing them to be this way.

My kids hid their RAD for over a year and a half. They started to unravel shortly after their one and only visit with their mother, before that they were happy and adjusting well- no stealing, lying, fighting, meltdowns. None. The boy was the only one with food issues.

There were nightmares and questions, lots of questions we weren't allowed to answer. As for the visit, I don't know what she said or did to them. All I know is that the oldest started telling them to act as bad as they could and they would get to go back with their mom. She told them that because she wanted to be an only child. I also know they were hurt because their mom wouldn't put down her cell phone at the visit. That's all they kept saying to each other about the visit. Maybe it was a revelation to them.....they would never come first. I will never know what triggered all hell to break loose.

At any rate, days ago, I read about other kids and they have the SAME behaviors. I shared something like Poufy and the Ensure drinks and people responded like it was normal. It's a normal thing and other RAD moms even offered up alternative solutions! I watched the girl on 20/20 meltdown and I saw CDQ.

But the only way I know how to get help is to put things out there on this blog. To ask hard questions for a public forum where some people will get their panties in a wad. But if it helps my kids it will be what I have to do. I don't have respite workers or attachment therapists, or anyone. Just my husband and I. Disruption isn't something on our mind so much any more. If this is "normal" than we are ok. We aren't causing more damage to the kids. Which was our main concern.


So for now, we will keep chugging along and see where we end up. I still can't say that this won't be my biggest regret in life... but we will see how it turns out.