Trying to bring her back

Yesterday, SS had two teeth pulled, 2 spacers put in and a crown.

I was worried because her previous dental experience was a nightmare. I don't have dental problems so I didn't know all about the crowns, root canals and all the ton of work these kids needed to get them fixed up.

I also didn't know when a dentist was being an A-hole when it came to treatment. Turns out he pulled teeth, forced crowns that didn't fit and was just awful to SS all without numbing her. He gave her a shot but left her there for so long it had worn off and she felt everything. He had her in a headlock putting these things in and he even left a bruise on her cheek. He assured me this was normal. No, SS wasn't fighting him, she was trying to hold back the tears.

I trusted the dentist because he was referred to us by the kids Godmother. I guess he doesn't like working with kids though. He referred us out to a pediatric dentist for the two youngest and when I had their work done and saw the difference I felt like such a fool for allowing and believing the other dentist who told me things were "normal".

So, SS went in for the first time with this new awesome dentist. I tried to reassure her that this would be different but I don't blame her for not believing me at first. This dentist is incredible. SS only cried once and it was from fear at the beginning.

He pulled two teeth and she didn't even know it. I happened to be reading about trauma while we were waiting and I finally understood where SS was at.

SS has perhaps the worst case out of all of them of PTSD. We think she saw her biological father kill her baby sister. It's all up in the air because she shuts down. She's on meds to control hallucinations. She disassociates frequently but when she's "here". She's funny and happy and carefree. She has the biggest heart and the prettiest smile.

I've been worried about her. She insists that she's not hallucinating or hearing voices anymore.
She also says she's sleeping fine. But she's still not here and I've been worried until now.

Today at the dentist's office she wouldn't even look at me, as it's been over the space of three weeks. She gets happy but she hasn't been happy.

While she was in the chair, I reached out for her hand. I squeezed it the way I do when we hold hands. It's "our" thing. At first, she didn't respond and I felt so sad.

But then as they were working on her teeth. She smiled in between and started squeezing my hand and she pulled me close. I caught a glimpse of the real SS that gets tucked away to be kept safe by her.

Afterwards I took her out for a frosty and then to the Dollar Store for the some hair accessories and some lip balm because I read that lip balm can help with bonding if the child feels nurtured and likes the feeling from it.

I was so happy for that connection. I almost felt like when we left the office, the anticipation of going to the dentist and the unknown may have caused her to be spacy. It's so hard to know. But for now we have her back and she's bouncy and happy and talking about radio Disney and just being herself.

I'm proud of her and I know she's proud too. She survived the dentist and brought her trophy teeth home in a little plastic ring container to prove it!