He was a man of integrity, a man who kept his word...

I still remember Karlton Taylor. I remember him when times get too hard and I wonder what he would have to say about something or what kind of advice he would offer. I remember him when I change a tire. When I hear the words "french braids". I remember him when I see silver Hershey's kisses.

I see him every now and then. Like my mind doesn't or won't believe he is gone. I know it's irrational. But my mind plays tricks on me.

I remember his cool hand at the viewing, the only time I ever touched him, I thought it would make it real. I wouldn't allow him to touch me. He was always wanting to "lay hands" on me. I know it was some sort of prayer but I would not allow it.

I still can't talk about him or think about him without crying like it was yesterday. For me, it is still yesterday that I lost the best friend I ever had. The first person I was ever able to trust fully in my entire life. Literally. I think that's why it's so huge. He was in a way the only "true" family I ever had.

I still see him tapping his planner the last time we "met". We were both so busy, me with a new job and him with his plans for a toy drive. He pushed and pushed for us to meet. So we met after work in his car and he was telling me about his plans for the kids. He kept saying it was very important that we were on the same page.

I had never been in his car before. It was a shell. I wondered how he drove it. The doors had no interior, I could see the metal and mechanisms. I put my seat belt on even though he was just driving me from one parking lot to another. I didn't feel safe but I didn't know that this car would be his death.

He tapped his planner when I got out of the car and said he would put it down in the books that we had met. I think I may have called him a dork or told him he was dorky or something. I know he asked why because I remember telling him it was weird but I had no reason for why.

I remember the day he died was the first day I had ever seen him wear shorts. I had come in to ask him if he would go with me car shopping in LA. I was wanting to trade in my old one and get a different car. He told me he couldn't. He had a committment to speak and he wanted to keep his word. He didn't really want to go though. But he was going to do it anyway because he said he would.

But that was Karlton. When we had talked about death about a month before on the way to a computer show, he said when he died he wanted people to say he was a man of integrity and a man who kept his word.

Before the end of my work day, I had stopped in to ask him again if he wanted to go, but he wasn't there. He was supposed to be coming back shortly...but we all knew shortly was anything but with Karlton. lol When I left work that day, I toyed with the idea of trying to convince him to go again. I drove over to the other parking lot. I know he didn't really want to go to his other meeting but I told myself that I shouldn't interfere with that just because I was afraid to drive out to who knows where by myself. So I glanced at the building and drove off.

Driving off is something I carry with me everyday. I guess logically, I know I probably couldn't have changed anything. But it's still there and it's still in my heart.

If only I had stopped and he had come with me.

That night I went to the car dealership. They told me they couldn't take my car but I could still get a new car if I just kept my old one. I figured I could pass my old car (Ford Taurus) on to Karlton and it would be safe for Sharon and the kids and he could just take over payments. I told them I would have to get back to them because I wanted to talk to Karlton first.

I called him that morning when I was putting on my shoes, I got no answer. I decided to go car shopping locally. Trying to talk myself out of the whole car deal and telling myself I was crazy.

But if I had just stopped. Just tried one more time. He wouldn't have been out there on that street that night in a car that was nothing more than a piece of tin. He would have been with me and he would have been driving my Taurus, the family car with the highest safety rating, back from LA while I followed behind in my new car.

But I didn't stop. I didn't want to be "devil's advocate" and play on the fact that he didn't want to go.

So I live with this, knowing that I am being irrational but still being unable to stop it.

I know he is where he belongs in Heaven. Talking and talking...


I miss you.