Disruption

I've written so many posts and have published none of them.

I've hit the bottom. I called the kid's social worker from before the adoption to find out what my options are. From what I can tell my options are that I can return the children and pay child support for them until they are 18.

I found a place nearby who deals with kids like mine. Problem is they deal with them for $350 a day for 18 months. I have 4 kids that need to go there. California won't pay for it. They haven't called me back but I'm pretty sure they won't pay for it.

Since the kids have been removed from Resperdal (sp?) , they have gone further backwards then they ever have before. They were on a different pill Seroquel (sp?) and it's done nothing. I stopped the pill all it did was make them tired and all they did was fight it and become increasingly out of control. My house smells like one huge litter box because the two youngest decided their bedrooms are where they are going to pee. I can't seem to get the smell out.

They've broken things that I have fixed already. I'm at a loss. I don't think I can help them. I think I am making it worse. I've tried everything I can think of. I even resorted to spanking. What's disturbing is that the boy enjoys it. Seriously, he has a giant smirk on his face. I'm afraid he's going to be one of those that grows up and kills people.

Today they acted like we weren't even here. They did whatever they wanted as if we weren't talking to them or even alive. I wanted to call someone (but who?) or leave them at CYFD out here. But then I'd go to jail for abandonment.

I don't have any help at all. No respite. No family. No friends. No team of people to help me. Just hubs and he gave up today as well.

I thought when I read Donetta's post earlier it was a sign for me to hang in there and that it would be ok. But I don't think I can anymore. I've tried everything except residential treatment.

We've put in a full offer on the house we need but I don't think they will accept it. They really think they can get more at foreclosure which is stupid because no one has put in a bid as high as ours. Not even close.

All day long as they behaved as assholes, I tried so hard to think of something I could do or try. I thought maybe I could even get my sister to come. Maybe if Hubs and I could just get a break from them, maybe I could deal with it or something. But my sister just went back to work this week and she can't take any time off. Just another sign I guess that we are at the end of the road.

I haven't said anything here on my blog. I wrote a post but never published. My health seems to be turning. I've been in a lot of constant pain for over a year now and it's just getting worse. I think I have arthritis because I can see my joints in my hands turning and my knees are always cracking and feeling like they are out of joint. Even Aleve, Tylenol and Motrin aren't working. This is bad because I used to take one children't chewable Tylenol and I would be out in under 10 minutes. I'm not exaggerating. That is how low my tolerance for medication was. Sometimes I am up all night in pain to the point of tears. I don't know what I am going to do and I don't think the stress is helping anything.

If something doesn't give, we are going to have to disrupt/dissolve this adoption. The kids have no desire to stop what they are doing. So help is going to have to come from somewhere. I just can't take anymore.