Since I don't have the professional help I need, please tell me what you've been taught/advised, etc... Even if you think it won't help. I am asking and I won't hold anybody accountable for anything. But I need to know.
Mattresses on the floor-- child abuse? or ok?
Reason: stuffing peed clothing, stolen items and hoarded food underneath.
I'm going to install locks on all doors the kids don't need access to. I've gone out and bought them. How do you RAD/Kid Proof your home?
How do you find time for yourself when your kids are like, on vacation or something (my kids are home all day, all night, every day that's why I am asking. They don't nap either. Quiet time is a disaster)? Showers, brushing teeth and hair. If I get up early, they seem to already be awake.
What tips, advice have helped you the most? What do you wish you would've known from the start?
I've been fighting the urge to pick myself up because I feel like when I do, I am just fooling myself for a little while longer, you know? But it's not in my DNA to just sit around and mope and do nothing and I think that is what is bringing me down the most. That helpless feeling. I mean, I'm actually counting on a call from a social worker from CA. But really, she has no obligation to call me back at all, what if she doesn't?
I've just wasted more time.
What is feeling like a loser really accomplishing right now? Not a damn thing. The kids have been showered and fed oatmeal and they are in their rooms seperating out their clothes (so I hope). My plan is to take out everything but the mattresses so I can see what's going on. They can't put peed clothes or stolen items in the dressers or in their pillow cases. I will give them their blankets and pillows at night, when they need them, they have no use for that stuff during the day. I mean that's not abuse is it?
Has anyone had kids in residential. Are they on lockdown so they can keep track of them or has anyone been told it's ok to keep kids in their room and switch them out when they can be supervised? I mean, I'll need to do that until I finish RAD proofing my house at least anyway. But I also have to homeschool them,so it's not like it will be a cell for them or anything.
I need to know what they have told you is ok in the interest of health and safety. I have no idea.
5 comments:
When I was a mouthy teenager my mom took all but my mattress and two changes of clothes (one clean, one dirty). I don't think its abuse.
You can put their mattress on the floor. You can lock them out of rooms. Do not lock them into rooms. I would do as Kether said and take out everything but a couple of sets of clothes. What is your reason for needing to homeschool them? If that is your earnest conviction I respect it. Mine are in public school but that is what is right for us, not everyone. I believe you need to find child care for at least one afternoon a week if they are home all the time. You have got to have some time to yourself. If you can't do that, when it is summer time I will sometimes drop one off at the Y pool and one at the library for as much as an hour. Never more. Mine are teens though. I don't know your kids' ages. I would never drop them off somewhere together. I would look for a support group of some sort in the area.
You asked, so here goes :)
With my daughter, we had to take everything out of her room and then she had to earn it all back, one tiny thing at a time.
We locked ourselves in our bedroom at night with our pets. We put door alarms on our doors. It is fine to lock up your valuables and meds and snack cupboard. This is actually "normal" in RAD world.
If you email me, I will mail you some books on RAD and dealing with it: torina.busyintersection@yahoo.com
Find a therapist that is versed in RAD. One that isn't is useless.Check out www.radzebra.com
RAD kids don't sleep. At least not very much. They are always, always vigilant. Showers, brushing teeth and hair will be a fight. I would suggest a schedule for these with a chart. When they argue, blame it on the chart like the chart is in charge and just be all happy about it like they are crazy for arguing.
What your gut says is the emotional response, do the opposite. It works! For example, your gut says yell cause the kid hid a bunch of bananas in their closet and you found them by following the trail of fruitflies and stink, dance around and pretend you are a monkey and that you are happy you found the bananas.
It helps to act crazier than them and it will save your sanity because you will have fun. But try not to do it in an insulting manner or it will backfire. Act like you are really happy. It sounds nuts, but it works.
I would consider enrolling them back in school after you get them a RAD therapist. I sent my daughter to school with a letter from her therapist stating that she lies and manipulates and EVERYONE, including me AND them, is at risk for false allegations.
I know a mom who gets trial size shampoo containers and refills them for each shower so all the soap doesn't go down the drain. We use a pump and tell the kids to tattle on each other if they notice that the other isn't using or is using too much. Works like a charm for us.
Your situation sucks. No doubt about it. I can imagine you feel like you have had the life just sucked out of you. I wanted my daughter more than anything in the world and that is how I felt when she started with her insane behaviors.
Also, do any of your kids have diagnosed disabilities or suspected disabilities? You could call your county's disability office and ask for an intake meeting. They are supposed to meet with people in need. It will take a few weeks but they should send a worker out to talk with you. If they assess your situation as dire, they will probably send out a public health nurse after that to see about getting you some sort of services. It is an uphill march but it is my big idea.
Oh and the reason for sending them back to school is to get your life back. Over and over again, I have heard from RAD professionals and can relate with other parents that school issues and family issues need to be treated separately with RAD kids. When kids are working on attachment, they are so hypervigilant that they cannot think clearly. Thus, the separation. Also, the issues with school stay at school. It is THEIR problem not yours. I won't let them send the problems home if they won't listen to me.
We are about to start seeing the "best" attachment therapist in Oklahoma, and she works with mostly homeschoolers (just the way it has worked out for her). So, there are lots of us out there doing it, and finding it to be successful.
For us, I make sure that learning is what we do all the time, so there is no real separation from school and our "normal" lives. For me, teaching and obedience are a part of everything ... not just math and reading, but eating, hygiene, chores, etc.. So, the kids have more opportunity to push me away ... but that's also more opportunity to heal and more opportunity for me to take my place as "Mom" in their lives.
But you have to - HAVE TO - make time for yourself. I've been homeschooling six years already, so it was something I've already learned to do. Yet, it's not an option. Hey, check me out! I'm starting to sound like Brenda!!! :) Seriously, though - NOT AN OPTION!
So, it's not impossible, but I also have to be very flexible in how I educate. It's funny - that doesn't mean that I modify schoolwork so that they do less. In fact, I have to be hypervigilent in not letting them play the "dumb" game. It's their favorite. The other day, I pulled up the scope & sequence from their previous school and turned my laptop around to face all of them.
"What's that?"
"That's everything that you were taught in your old school. It's right here on the computer, on the school's website."
Then I got two very pissy "Ohhhhhh's." :)
So, when it comes to your RADishes, you won't necessarily find the help you need in the local homeschool group or coop. You have to combine what you learn from them with what you know about attachment disorder. The other homeschool moms don't normally discuss the best way to reintroduce grammar once a rage has subsided! :)
I'm extremely loving and silly, but very firm. I'm crazy firm. When they are just about to push me over the edge, that's when I walk in the bathroom and paint on a mustache with eyeliner, or insist that everyone stop what they are doing and dance in the living room.
Yet, I have a lot of structure. We have strict routine. I have consequences in place and many, many, MANY different ways to approach misbehavior, fear and acting out (and I'm always writing down new things I run across). Our bonding and therapeutic activities are built into that routine and structure throughout the day.
My dd LOVES to do everything at a snail's pace to be in control. When she does that, we remind her that we want her to be successful at everything. So, for her next two meals, we let her practice being slow. We give her a few bites of food in five minute intervals. We set a timer and go about our business.
My kids pay for damaged or stolen items with their allowance or TV/Computer time. If they hurt a sibling (verbally or physically), they do something to give love back to them: do their chores, or read a younger sibling some books, or fold and put away their laundry, etc.
If one of my kids refuses to do something (like chores), I say, "No problem! Who wants to get paid to do so-and-so's chores? They'll be paying you out of their allowance!" It's amazing how fast they get moving.
The other day my ds was on the verge of raging, and playing the "everything is unfair" card. I asked him if he would like me to call Dad and have him come home, and we could ask him his opinion. He happily agreed. What control! He was bringing a parent home - from work!! Dad arrived, I winked at him, we had our discussion, and then I asked Dad to write up a bill for ds for the gas and time off from work. DS was LIVID! "I wouldn't have said 'okay' if I knew I had to pay him!" "Oh, so you didn't mind controlling and inconveniencing him, but changed your mind once it was going to be an inconvenience for you."
If I think of more, I'll pop back over.
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