So much to post...

My hand hurts so bad but I'm going to try to get it all out. I had thought briefly about video blogging because there is so much to say but then CDQ has become a 24/7 fixture next to me and there's no way I could vlog like that.  

She's still next to me right now, lying down on the floor staring at a digital picture frame I have that flips through pictures randomly.

Ok, starting with last week's session for CDQ. I am trying not to be angry the best I can because I can't really say whether it true or not but I'm inclined to believe my kid right now. I'm still going to wait to speak to the therapist first though before I officially let myself be angry about it. After CDQ's session I had my 10 minutes with the therapist.  She said she had a few things to discuss with me. I thought there was some serious stuff but she starts off asking me if CDQ is allowed to listen to music whenever she wants. The answer is no, and the answer is no to what ever music she wants to listen to also.

This is since the day she lost her S%^& in Target. She saw a pj top with the j*onas B*ros (JB) on it and she flipped. She screeched, punched herself in the chest and head and pulled her hair and then slapped herself repeatedly while still screeching and screaming. It was as bad as it sounds and then some. I froze. I didn't know what to do, I wasn't even sure what the hell started it. We were looking through clothes and then that.  I realized when she finally screeched JB.

So, yeah, no more music. Well, not completely.  I've made some cds for them and I had downloaded songs for them to listen to on my computer so I could monitor that. They have a bedtime cd that has peaceful songs from some of their favorite movies, etc... Plus, we do family Wii nights, usually on holidays where they play Rock Band, Sing It!, and Dance, Dance, Revolution. So, there is music, just monitored.

Anyhow, she kept going on after I had already said what my rules were. Then she said "how about one JB song?"  That's where I lost some of my patience. I told her directly no and then she asked me why and I told her why.  CDQ had a LUMP on her head after that incident. Plus, she's already over-sexualized, I don't need to let Disney in my door that way so they can do more damage.

This has upset me. I'm not inflexible or overly controlling, but also I am the parent.  I understand Heather Forbes way is that every behavior comes from a place of love or fear. But I don't go so far as to believe that all children's manipulations are all fear based. This therapist does. "Normal" children use manipulation to get what they want, so do mine...fear or not. I still have not finished my Beyond Consequences stuff but I'm not sure if Heather Forbes takes it as far as this therapist does.  

Plus, she still hasn't gotten the full background on CDQ from me. She ran out of time and I guess that's all she wrote.

Anyhow, then she starts talking to me about how kids cuss. She said I shouldn't have a rule that kids can't cuss. She told me about her daughter in the 8th grade who cusses and how it doesn't bother her. I told her I was lucky I didn't have that problem and that CDQ and none of my other kids cuss. I've never had to say it, it was just understood that they shouldn't. I told her I am the cusser and that I have told my kids to never start and how I wish I hadn't and how bad it makes me feel and how dumb it makes me sound, etc... She still went on about it and I failed to see the point.

After session, I took CDQ with me to run some errands on the way home. A convo started like this.

CDQ: "The therapist said that if I wanted to listen to music, all I have to do is ask you."
Me: "Oh, yeah, we talked about that and the therapist was confused. She knows our rules now and she understands. But you can still ask. "
CDQ: "Can I listen to music sometime?"
Me: " It depends on whether I think you can handle it or not."
CDQ: "ok"

Um...triangulation much?  "The therapist said"...grrr
I am THE parent. *sigh*  I believe the therapist did "say" that to her. Maybe not with that intent but still.

Then you'll love this...later that night...I have a cussing child. (I tell you I so want to type sonofabeep right here!)

I don't care if it doesn't bother the therapist if her teen daughter cusses but my kid is 10 and she wasn't cussing before.  I told CDQ that I didn't know what the therapist said to her but that our rule was she didn't cuss (hey, I have a rule now!) and I'd like it to stay that way (Also, c'mon...it's still Heather Forbes-ish...right?). I gave her alternative words to say.

And lest I sound too hypocritical, I've also made a point of correcting my language in front of the kids. The words might slip but I change them to alternative words. So I am trying. I'm giving up my only outlet. I can still semi cuss on here without offending anyone, right? lol

I'm really struggling with the whole parenting thing.  Really.  I have no confidence when it comes to this and I wish I knew my rights. I am still so terrified that they can take my kids from me.  I'm terrified for my kids because I've made them so many promises about their safety here.  Maybe that's why I am so scared because even though we've adopted them I still feel like I have no rights. I don't want to be another person who lied to them and let them down.

My situation is crazy. I know that. I think I am holding up damn well. Hubbin's home health nurse almost made me cry. Hubbins sore has gotten worse. I didn't know if it was because I couldn't change his sore for a few days (really bad flare up and I couldn't lift him). She asked me what was going on and I told her. I told her all of it because she used to do treatment foster care for RAD kids and schizo kids. She said she had to get out, she just couldn't do it anymore.  She thought we only had three kids. I told her there were 5. That's when she said she wanted to cry and tears came to her eyes. She didn't know how I was doing when she thought we had 3 and she couldn't imagine 5. I wanted to cry because I could only imagine how the kids she cared for must've hurt her for her to feel like crying. She gets it and she knows.  She knows both sides; mine and the kids pain.  She's the only person I know IRL who knows what it's like here. She's the only one I'll tell about my pain from the RA and the reason why I was so bad then too was because I had a wisdom tooth trying to come out and it was shifting my entire jaw. I can still feel that my jaw isn't right but at least the tooth has changed it's mind about coming out for now.

This is only part of it...now on to the really crazy beautiful stuff which will further explain my true anger with the therapist if I find out what CDQ said to me is true.

If that's not how a mind#$%^ works...

then please explain to me how it does?

Yesterday I told the therapist I wanted to talk to her about something but not in front of the kids.

I wanted to talk to her about ending therapy because over the last month the kids haven't seemed into it and they seem restless, especially now with the short change in them. I tried to explain to her how I feel like they are reaching out to us and like they just really need us more. Before it was like they hated us and were forced to live with us or something but since the change they want hugs and they want us around and to do things with us.

I've been feeling awful because I feel like I am not home enough. We are not together as a family enough and I can't even get in the appointments that they need or Hubs needs on top of that. I know I've mentioned here that I thought we needed some real bonding time.

When I told the therapist this, she told me that I am with them all the time moreso than someone who works outside the home, but the truth is, I'm not. Yes, we will still have doctors appointments and all those other appointments and I can't explain to her how her 6 hours a week actually take up almost 10 hours, what with driving. It segments up the day to where we are ALL running around.

I tried to keep most of the blame on me because I felt the kids were being honest when they said they liked it at her place because of the toys and snacks but they wanted to do other things with other kids and with us.

I didn't know if it was safe to let the therapist know all that they said. I guess what it boils down to is they feel that she is asking questions of them that she should be asking me and they don't like how she treats them when they tell her they don't know and she tells them they do and they are just saying that as an excuse.

It kinda hit the fan and I hated to do it but I had to put Poufy on the spot yesterday. She went in for her time after I had talked to the therapist and when she came out she looked weird. I asked her what was up and she told me she felt weird but she wouldn't tell me why. I asked her if the therapist had talked to her about not coming back to therapy and she told me no. So, I thought since it was just her and I,I would bring up the subject and see how she really felt. She told me she liked coming to therapy but she wanted to do other things. To me that was telling me she didn't want to be there.

When we were getting ready to leave, the therapist told me that Poufy indicated that she didn't want to stop coming. This puzzled me because I had JUST asked her. I told Poufy she didn't need to be afraid but she did have to tell the truth about what she wanted. Well she told her what she wanted and then some. The therapist seemed flustered and said "Well, they are liars, they lie all the time." I shrugged my shoulders because well, what am I going to do or say.

I'm telling the therapist the truth, why would *I* lie? I'm an adult, don't I make my own decisions?

Anyway, when I was talking to the therapist in the room about stopping therapy she was all over the map with reasons why not and how she wasn't going to take them back and the sacrifice she made by bringing so many on and how she never does that. I wasn't committing to anything because I hadn't spoken to the kids about it. I was just getting hints here and there from them and I wanted to give the therapist a heads up. I actually thought two of the kids did want to continue seeing her. But when I asked them last night none of them want to go back.

At the end of our conversation, she did the weirdest thing, at first I was confused but then I started to get angry. I guess she wasn't happy because I wasn't giving her an answer or something so she decided to threaten me, at least that's how I believe it to be.

She was talking about something that I can't remember exactly because what followed was crazy. She went from saying that she didn't agree with me threatening the kids and that she would never threaten a kid but she went along to support me. This doesn't even make sense. I told her it wasn't a threat, it was truly the end of the rope. Plus, I don't see how she went along with it because it's something that just happened at the dinner table that other night. It wasn't a plan. It was IT. I didn't tell her I was going to do that because I didn't even know I was going to do that.

She said something about being a "pissed off mom" I totally agreed with her it's not what I want to be at all. But then she goes on to say that I would be surprised just how much the kids tell her about what goes on at home. I was about to say I wouldn't because I know they tell everyone everything. That's one of the things they are supposed to work on boundaries and what's appropriate and what's not. But she was talking so quickly I couldn't get that in, she went on to say that her place was a safe place where they could say anything and she wouldn't and hadn't reported it.

I was nodding my head and I stopped there because I was confused by the hadn't part. I mean what was she talking about? I guess I stopped there because she also got this smirk on her face.

I was wondering what exactly because if she feels she needs to report me for cussing, spanking or making them pull weeds to earn money for the things they break than feel free. I mean, isn't that her job to report me if she thinks I am doing something wrong? Isn't that a total threat? Or at least meant to be?

I blew it off because if she wants to report me for the stuff above, then she's got a ton of work ahead of her what with all I see around me. I'm not saying the things I do is right. Cussing is a thing I work on everyday, I confess it as one of my sins and I am not proud of it. I cuss when I hurt myself or get mad and I'm cussing about something not *at* someone or even directly at the kids. I've even talked to the kids about it and told them never to start and that it's not ladylike or intelligent and a bad habit to break. I didn't start until I was in my 20s and I was trying to get my family to hear me. It seemed the only way they knew how to communicate. Unfortunately it stuck as a way to relieve stress, yet it doesn't make me feel better about myself.

Spanking I do not like to do. I haven't spanked anyone in this house for almost two months. It doesn't just hurt the child. It hurts me and probably does more harm to my hand than there bottoms. For some reason the veins or something in my hand burst. It's never happened when I've spanked the kids but I'm always afraid it will. I was just walking through the kitchen the first time it happened. I feel this pressure and than my finger swells and turns purple. I don't know what causes it but I've googled it and apparently it happens to some people.

Them earning back the money (from us) to pay for the things they have broken. I don't see anything wrong with that. I'm not talking about a glass or anything. Pulling weeds from the side of the house to pay for a dishwasher or a faucet or something. C'mon, there aren't enough weeds in the backyard to cover that. You know? When the weeds are gone the debt is paid. I've seen it gives them a sense of accomplishment and even pride. They earned something.

At any rate, I guess I'm stupid because my first inclination was to get up and leave as in that is the final threat that broke the camels back.

The other thing she said about them being liars is that she thought one thing about Poufy and her "drastic weight loss" (it was a freakin' pound!) and then it was all resolved with her condition and than she said they were liars and looked at me like she wasn't sure about the whole family or something. I could be reading into that because of the treatment we were given. She usually gives them crackers and juice and when Poufy started to ask if they were getting any she shook her head, rolled her eyes and cut her off and opened the door and said c'mon. Sent us all on our way, I guess. lol

But still I told her I would speak to the kids because this is really about the kids not me. It's either for their benefit or detriment. Today I go in to tell her what the vote was. See what she throws at me now.

A shot in the dark...

Don't worry, I know this will sound negative but it hasn't really rained on my parade to the point where the parade is cancelled.

We just got back from the therapist. I'm not really sure how therapy is supposed to work, but for us, this is how it's been going recently. I read books about reactive attachment disorder and about attaching in adoption and she listens to the issues we've been having and I tell her what I've read and tried and the way the house works. Sometimes she yawns and asks another question and sometimes nothing.

Anyone--is this the way it's supposed to work?

At first she gave the kids things to try:Angry Monster Game when they were upset, etc... but now nothin'.

I don't really feel like we are getting anything out of therapy. I do not like to hear myself talk. I'm looking for help. I understand there's no cut and dry solution and that there might not even be a solution. But I at least need some support if I am going to be spending chunks of my life in a waiting room.

The therapist has been telling me that I need to take care of myself and I need to do this and that. She's been asking the kids in a round about way how I handle things and if I lose it. I guess she didn't get the answer she wanted.

I wanted to take a week off next week to get the things that I wanted done before it became truly stressful. I started to think about all that needed to be done and came to the conclusion that I should take a week off and be ahead of the game, get some rest, tie up loose ends around the house. Spend time as a family together. One week.

This is truly the first time that I have ever made a decision to do that instead of just dealing with the stress and the crap. In essence, I was asking for help. I need a break to take care of my business instead of letting business pile up. Does that make sense?

I asked her today, a week in advance about taking the week off. She was pissed. She said she gives my family 6 hours a week and that she doesn't think I should take the time because we will get sick and we will have to miss and we already missed a week (hmmm, would that be 1 bronchititis, 2 strep throats and two colds where we missed a day or is she actually talking about the adoption in another state?) She rushed on to say she knows she missed a week. But if we are being exact that's three weeks. She got sick the week before she was going out of town and that became two weeks and then she had a conference a few weeks ago where she was gone a whole week.

I don't want to be nitpicky. But come on. I felt threatened by her response and another time when I had suggested that if a child could not stop tantruming enough to get dressed and get in the car to come see her maybe the child shouldn't come. She jumped on my before I could finish saying that I would switch with another child instead. She said she had to make a living.

I understand these things. But maybe it's time for us to "make a living" by spending our time outdoors, cheering our kids on and helping them make new friends instead of cooping them up with an adult where they play?

I wish I knew someone in a similar situation because I don't know whether this therapy thing is right or not.

I told her that I was just trying to take the week off to take care of myself and to get on top of things before they became huge like she suggested and then she told me that it's still early in the week and I should try to get the bulk of what I needed done and go from there.

Does that even seem right?