I deserve it!

That's what the oldest (14 years old) says in her defense every time I catch her stealing.

I caught her again. This time she stole from Hubbins, myself AND her grandmother.

Beautiful, huh?

She's not even diagnosed with RAD, but I think she should've been.

Of course she thinks she knows everything since she came from the "streets" and all.  It's more like the cul-de-sac.   Look, I know she wasn't in a great or even good environment but I know she hasn't seen anything yet. What scares me is she thinks she's seen hardcore stuff and that she can carry her own.  But she really hasn't and she can't.

I laid it out for her tonight because I've had it.

Bottom line, she sabotages herself and blames me for it.

She stole my cd player, my cds, someone's mp3 player, her grandma's gum and several books of mine. Oh, and of course, batteries.

She owns 2 mp3 players, she owns a ton of cds, she owns a charger and rechargeable batteries, she had already read the books she took and the gum puzzles me since she has that root tip that was left behind from her root canal and wanted to die 3 weeks ago because she had an infection...but whatever.

So at 14, I thought it was about time I set her straight.  I told her to tell me why she thought she deserved those things.  She went on and on about how she does a lot around here. Which she does, however, I had to point out what exactly it is that she does.

One of her chores is to clean the kitchen, the other is to feed the dogs in the morning (food only, the boy does the water) and the third is to help me with Hubbins. The latter started when Hubbins had to stay in bed for his sores. We all used to eat together. He's still in bed and can't get up yet.  I used to eat with him in here and the kids ate in the kitchen, that didn't work, so then we tried them eating on our bedroom floor like a picnic...that didn't work either. Then we tried one kid at a time and that took forever.  So now the oldest eats with Hubbins and I would stay in the kitchen supervising the other kids as they ate. Ya know, making sure they didn't steal or eat so fast they choked. Things like that. I didn't realize she was put out with this arrangement because she's been more than happy to sit here and eat dinner away from the other kids while watching tv.  So, I think the Hubbins thing was an after thought, especially the way she back pedaled with that one.

Anyhow, I pointed out how the kitchen wasn't clean.  It wasn't and hasn't been properly cleaned. When I can, I go in there and do what I can before my hands are worthless, but I'm not happy with it.

I told her if it was about her chores she had to find another reason to blame me because I obviously wasn't on her back about it.

I guess, I should step back and explain. The oldest has lost her privileges one at a time over and over again. Mp3 players, cd players, journals...

This is what is happening.  She's supposed to be doing homeschool and instead she is goofing off writing love stories or listening to her music. She lost her mp3 player privileges because she was listening to music instead of doing school work. She got it back and then she did it again, so she had it taken away for a longer period of time. Then right before she was supposed to get it back, I discovered she had stolen Hubbins mp3 player...so definitely no mp3 player back. In the meantime, she also stole THREE cd players and batteries.  So no private music. They still had music at playtime etc...

Therapist said it was ok to cut back on school work for CDQ because it was hard to study with all that's going on. I applied it to all my kids. The oldest has only had 20 spelling words to work on. Back then I gave her three days to do it. Define the word and a sentence. At this point I should mention she is doing 6th grade work and she is supposed to be in 9th grade.

So, her work has been cut down to basically 40 spelling words a week and that's it. This is around the time I was having really bad flareups. She told Hubbins I was checking her sentences and he was giving her the spelling tests.  I thought he had taken over the whole spelling thing for me. Of course it came out that she wasn't doing her work. To try and make a long story short she was painting her nails and writing love stories. This after I had already taken several notebooks from her for not doing her work before.

So, back to her thinking she deserved stuff.  I told her fine, look you have two mp3 players, you have this and you have that....all the things you asked for.  If we didn't think you deserved them, would we have got them for you?  *crickets*

I told her what it boils down to is SHE doesn't think she deserves it and she's sabotaging herself just like the other kids do.

I asked her if her loss of privileges had anything to do with chores, since she had brought it up.

No.

I asked her to remember what she had lost her stuff for.

Stealing and lying.

Right.

She was crying because she saw what I was saying and couldn't understand why she did these things.

I told her I didn't think she was anything like her bio mom but I thought she might have picked up something from her and I wanted her to think things through.  I am not to blame for her situation. I have met her more than half way many times.  I pointed it all out to her and I asked her to deny it if she could, to tell me whatever parts I was missing or not understanding.

At 14, I felt she was strong enough to face the truth and would be unable to deny it. I also hope in doing so that she will open her eyes and see what she does.  She said she didn't want to think about it. I told her at some point she's going to have to because it's obvious that she's limiting herself.

We will see what happens.  I hope she opens her eyes. She has so much going for her if she would just believe in herself.

PS. Oh yeah, she told me the minute she walked into my house she had intentions of stealing from me. Isn't that lovely?