The one about ED*

So, I hate to say that ED has been on my mind lately and not in a good way.  I never really cared for her much to begin with, even as kids there was never a connection.  She only wanted those she could control and manipulate around her. She's always played the martyr. 

In the beginning, I never said anything about her.  The kids would go on about her in a negative way (at that time they didn't talk about the abuse from her) and I would tell them "she wasn't always like that" and I  would try to think of funny stories and things she did as a child to share with them. I felt it was important to share a little bit about my other sisters too. Funny things.  I didn't want them to know the kind of family they come from.  In the beginning...

But then the truth about ED started coming out and to me it was devastating.  I knew she wasn't a great person but I didn't think she would carry that over to the way she treated her kids. I'd rant and rave to Hubbins at night because I was in such disbelief. "How can a mother do these things? A MOTHER?"  

My own mother wasn't and isn't the nurturing type. She's hung me out to dry so many times but never what my sister has done to her children. My sister can't fall back and blame things on my mother either because the way I was raised and the way they were, well... two separate animals.  Even now their relationships are so different then mine with my mother. 

I stopped trying to tell them ED wasn't so bad. I've been angry with myself for trying to mediate instead of just listening.  I've learned that I need to stop trying to fix things all the time.  Plus, back then I was under the impression there was a plan for reconciliation. I still didn't know that was never the plan. 

CDQs therapist says I should express my anger over her and what she did to them in front of the kids when they are talking about it. She says that the kids should know that what they feel is a common feeling for what they have experienced and even though I didn't cause their pain, I should apologize to them for whatever happened and tell them it wasn't there fault. I was already doing the latter. I never meant to invalidate their feelings. I just knew if, when they were older, they wanted to see their mother they would have her number in no time. That's how it went down for me, even though so many times people said awful things about my mom, in the end I knew what was what and nothing they had said made any bit of difference in the way I saw my mom.  Just in the way I saw those who were doing the bad talking from then on out.  

My dislike of  ED has grown soooooooo strong, like a million times over, since she showed up here demanding my children go outside and tell her to her face they didn't want to see her.  I can't stand the thought that she breathes.  I had started to say things in agreement with the kids but now, I just need to keep my mouth shut. Some of my thoughts have come out, and it's not like it will poison the kids of their mother, but it gets ugly and I know that's not good either. 

I hate this situation. It's all on my mind because of the impending court date next week. When I see her, I think of my kids and how they were just helpless innocent babies and the things she did to them, the things she allowed others to do to them.  I can't stand it and now I keep thinking I have to stand in the same room with her if she shows up? 

So. Hard.

I know I shouldn't let her control my thoughts and feelings so much, but my kids have told me so many unforgivable things that she's done to destroy them.  I've sat here with them in tears, I've taken the brunt of their anger and I still see little hopeless babies who can't understand "why?" and I don't have an answer for them because I have the same question...

"Why?" 

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*Egg Donor