Trying to be a better parent

I came across this poem the other day. I recognized it from a poster my mom had hanging up in her room when I was a kid. I wondered if it had any meaning to her.

If a child lives with cricism, he learns to condemn…
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight…
If a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive…
If a child lives with pity, he learns to feel sorry for himself…
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy…
If a child lives with jealousy, he learns to feel guilt…
But…
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient…
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns to be confident…
If a child lives with praise, he learns to be appreciative…
If a child lives with acceptance, he learns to love…
If a child lives with honesty, he learns what truth is…
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice…
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith in himself and those about him…
If a child lives with friendliness, he learns the world is a nice place in which to live.
With what is your child living?

It got me to thinking about what my kids are living with.

I've talked a lot about my kids behaviors and changes but I know that I as a person and now parent have changed too.



In a sense, I feel like I've had to close off my heart so that I wouldn't let it interfere with the tough love the kids need in order to progress. Both Hubs and I were sabotaging ourselves by undermining the things we were setting into place.



We'd start to feel sorry for the kids and we would let things slide. If it wasn't us sabotaging things, it was social workers or therapists that weren't trained in attachment.



The other part of closing off my heart is that it's the easiest thing for me to do to protect myself from them as well.



The big thing and the hardest thing is that I often feel like I am an adult with RAD. My whole life I have been in this alone, I didn't lash out the way the kids do but I tried to have patience and faith until I was finally on my own. I never let anyone get too close to me and I take off when they do. So what happens when you put an adult with children and they all have attachment and bonding issues?



uh oh.



It's too easy for us to ignore each other, to hurt each other and to keep our distance from each other.



After all, people come and go and the ones worth loving and keeping around God usually takes away from us. The rest are just here to cause pain. Whether with words or inappropriate touching or hitting, etc...



Yep, I actually feel that way. I think my kids feel that way too.



So what kind of message am I unconsciously conveying to them? What beliefs am I perpetuating? Perhaps worse of all, what "sins" am I committing that my own "parents" (mother, aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa<--people who took care of me, step-father)did to me?



Am I passing on the harshness of my Aunt? The put downs from my mother? The objectivity from my Uncle? The pessimism and helplessness of my Grandmother? The ignorance of my Grandfather and the unspoken hate from my step-father?



Are these the things that I have to offer? Is this the true and hidden culmination of what I have become? Is this the legacy that I pass on? Have I not broken the cycle that I worked so hard to be rid of?



Sometimes I hear myself and it's not me speaking, it's them...it's their words coming out of me and I hate it. It's not the kind of person I want to be and it's definitely not something I want to pass on to anyone.



Every day, I plan on asking myself "what are your children living with?" So I can remind myself exactly what I want for my children and then try to live up to that.



They deserve better.