Happy Birthday Bela!

I know I'm late. I did not forget. I just couldn't bring myself here. December 7th; you would have been 3 years old. I can't understand it. I won't understand it. I keep thinking if you were here with us. But I know it would be extra hard because you would be here in body but not in mind. I know your passing was best for you. But it's just not right.

I found a comment in my mail. This comment referenced a blog I didn't know existed. I thought it had been deleted and when I went and saw everything was there in black and white. All that had happened; all the confusion, all the pain...I came to THE post. It simply said "Bela died".

I broke down. I don't even remember writing that post. As I read through each post it all flooded back. I can't understand how both your parents walk free. I can't understand how your death doesn't seem to matter to anyone.

I hope you know that we tried, your Uncle and I tried to get you here with us. I hope you at least felt loved that short time you were with us your first Christmas. You were only 2 weeks old, you had such a bad rash and were crying so hard. I took you from your mother and put some A & D on your rash, wrapped you up tightly and christened you "my squishy". You stopped crying almost immediately. I told you that I had given you your name, Bela Nerice, and I told you what it meant. I placed you next to your Uncle where you peacefully fell asleep.

Everytime you cried, I went out there and took you from your mother and brought you in with us. You would quickly stop crying and either fall asleep or look around in wonder. I hope you felt our love and I hope that's what gave you peace. I hated leaving you all there.

I'm so sorry you had such a short painful life. I'm sorry no one cared enough to help you. I'm sorry the system let you slip through the cracks and I hold them just as accountable for your death.

I imagine what you would be like now if you had been given a chance. I'd bet you would be totally into Dora and Princesses. I bet you'd be asserting your independence. I bet you would be forming sentences more clearly and wreaking havoc around the house getting into everything. I'd also imagine you to be a girly girl unlike your sisters. You'd be wanting to go to school like the big kids, potty trained and all.

We had a little party for you. Cupcakes from Costco. I wasn't sure what kind you would like but when I asked I was immediately told "Chocolate!" I kinda thought it would be too. I put your number 3 candle in and we all sang you happy birthday.

We will never forget you Bela. I won't let them. There is always an empty space where you belong. Even in pictures there seems to be an empty space. I will do my best to make sure cycles are broken and that you didn't die in vain.

Happy Birthday My Squishy!