something just comes and pops you right in the face from out of the blue.
I was just reading a post where the writer was talking about struggling with anxiety and insomnia and like a swift punch in the stomach, the air went from me and my eyes widened. I said it out loud...anxiety.
That is so totally my problem. It is the word that I couldn't find yesterday. I've had panic attacks in the past and even hives due to anxiety but it was never really put into words. I haven't had panic attacks or hives recently so I didn't put it together. But anxiety is definitely what I have.
Hmmmm, what to do, what to do...
Dinah- I was very strong in my faith in God. I had my issues with the church and organized religion but I had my conversation with God and after 33 years of blindly following him and begging him for help or mercy or something. I am angry. I know God only gives you as much as you can handle but I have told God something has to give because I am going to break and it's like he said "sorry kid, you're it, so deal with it.". I've had it. I've never had a life. I'm always cleaning up after people and dealing with their mistakes.
Sometimes, I really think I am going to lose it. I think I will snap and they will commit me. It scares me because what will Hubbins and the kids do? They have no one but me.
Sometimes, I wish that I would just break already. If I would just snap, I would get a break. Crazy huh?
Kether- I would totally trust you with Hubbins and the kids. I was hoping to meet some people too, but unfortunately, I just met people who were interested in using me some more. Not all, but that's the jist of it. So it's just us again. You know what's funny? Remember my other blog? Diary of a Freak Magnet... well apparently when I deleted it on wordpress it didn't go away. I think they might've crashed over there and restored and that blog is now back, anyhow, someone had left comment on a post about me and my worries about hiring someone else to take care of Hubbins. I still feel the same way...it was surreal, it also felt like a warning because we were starting to look into hiring someone for a couple of hours a week. Oh well...
OH, and I haven't finished reading the book yet, so please don't say too much anyone. lol I didn't even know there was a movie! As I've been reading it, I was thinking it might be a good movie.
Lisa- I was thinking about tapping after I visited the link that you posted on your blog. I'm thinking it might help because I know when I was teaching the kids to do it, I was doing it in front of them and then with them and it seemed to help. So we might start that again.
Torina- I might have to look into that, but and I mean no offense. I have had the philosophy of just "$%^& It" because I feel that I am trapped and can't change a damn thing so why stress over it, right? but my mind and my body won't let me let it go. I've become enraged with myself because I know it's irrational. (there's that damn little voice chirping-- I think?) I feel like I have no control because I can't stop my mind from thinking these things. I can't seem to turn it off anymore.
I have physical issues now as well. I don't really feel like going into it right now. But I'm sure it's a contributing factor to my own personal mindfuck at the moment.
I know things have to change. I know I'm the only one who can make that happen. But for now I'm just trying to hold on until I wrap up some loose ends around here.
I
want
my
life.
4 comments:
I don't know what to say, but I feel like I need to say something. You do not sound good and it is worrying me! You have to get a break, and if there are problems, so be it. There would be a lot more problems if you get really sick and cannot function. So I hope it gets better for you, and soon.
Where's our commune when we need it????????
I'm tapping on being sad tonight. I'll tap for you too. Never know...maybe it'll work 2000 miles away.
Hugs Sasha! Know that I'm wishing peace for you.
I just went back and read from the beginning. All I can say is you are an incredible person and an awesome mom. You have been expected to carry a heavy load and you do it magnificantly. I'm with Lisa, we need a commune, where we can count on each other to step in and give each other a break when we most need it. I don't have anything profound or even helpful to say except I am thinking of you and sending you as much positive energy as I can.
I know lots of people poo poo meds but seriously P a x i l has saved me from myself. It is an anti-anxiety med and it has killed the panic attacks and feeling like I am going to die. Before I started to take it, I couldn't believe in anything either because my mind was circling so much. It took about two weeks and for the first time in my life, I felt calm and like I had control.
Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional and am diagnosed as being somewhat crazy so anything I say can easily be dismissed ;) On that note, me love me some p a x i l.
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