Happy Birthday Karlton!

I didn't forget your birthday was yesterday either. I just couldn't. It's been a hard bittersweet week.

Do you know you would be a moldy oldie now!?!?! I was talking to Hubs and we were figuring it out. lol

It seems like a lifetime ago but I guess it's been 8 years? ( don't hold me to it my math is awful, well you know.)

I still miss you like crazy. I still cry when I think of you. I'm still having a hard time. I can still see you sitting in that skeleton of a car, holding up your black planner telling me that we had our meeting and that you were going to put it on the books. It was so weird, like I was supposed to be reassured about this meeting. Just the whole last time we were together was weird. I look back on it now and really wonder if you may have "knew". It was so important to you for us to be on the same page.

I'm sure I let you down because I never brought together your toy drive. I tried and there was just too much... what's the word I am looking for? ....hmmmm....too much BS. The woman who ran the college toy drive was so power hungry she shut me out, much like she does with everyone even though she is a no one.

I still have your scrapbook and all the notes that were given to me. I've kept them and have yet to compile them into the book. I didn't know how to tell people that I couldn't do it and it seemed so ridiculous to me for me not to do this little thing for you. Now I live with guilt because I still haven't compiled it and it does not belong to me. It belongs to Sharon and your children.

I feel bad because you thought so highly of me and I've let you down. I tried to show you I wasn't as great of a person that you thought I was. I'm not even there to keep your grave up like I used to. I hope that someone has although I fear that no one has.

You changed my life forever. You made it better. You cared when no else did. You opened my eyes and you were a real friend to me through thick and thin. I'm sorry I have let you down, but please know that I will never forget you and all you did for me. You will always be in my heart and I hope that you and my squishy are there together safe and happy.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday Bela!

I know I'm late. I did not forget. I just couldn't bring myself here. December 7th; you would have been 3 years old. I can't understand it. I won't understand it. I keep thinking if you were here with us. But I know it would be extra hard because you would be here in body but not in mind. I know your passing was best for you. But it's just not right.

I found a comment in my mail. This comment referenced a blog I didn't know existed. I thought it had been deleted and when I went and saw everything was there in black and white. All that had happened; all the confusion, all the pain...I came to THE post. It simply said "Bela died".

I broke down. I don't even remember writing that post. As I read through each post it all flooded back. I can't understand how both your parents walk free. I can't understand how your death doesn't seem to matter to anyone.

I hope you know that we tried, your Uncle and I tried to get you here with us. I hope you at least felt loved that short time you were with us your first Christmas. You were only 2 weeks old, you had such a bad rash and were crying so hard. I took you from your mother and put some A & D on your rash, wrapped you up tightly and christened you "my squishy". You stopped crying almost immediately. I told you that I had given you your name, Bela Nerice, and I told you what it meant. I placed you next to your Uncle where you peacefully fell asleep.

Everytime you cried, I went out there and took you from your mother and brought you in with us. You would quickly stop crying and either fall asleep or look around in wonder. I hope you felt our love and I hope that's what gave you peace. I hated leaving you all there.

I'm so sorry you had such a short painful life. I'm sorry no one cared enough to help you. I'm sorry the system let you slip through the cracks and I hold them just as accountable for your death.

I imagine what you would be like now if you had been given a chance. I'd bet you would be totally into Dora and Princesses. I bet you'd be asserting your independence. I bet you would be forming sentences more clearly and wreaking havoc around the house getting into everything. I'd also imagine you to be a girly girl unlike your sisters. You'd be wanting to go to school like the big kids, potty trained and all.

We had a little party for you. Cupcakes from Costco. I wasn't sure what kind you would like but when I asked I was immediately told "Chocolate!" I kinda thought it would be too. I put your number 3 candle in and we all sang you happy birthday.

We will never forget you Bela. I won't let them. There is always an empty space where you belong. Even in pictures there seems to be an empty space. I will do my best to make sure cycles are broken and that you didn't die in vain.

Happy Birthday My Squishy!

Eight Years Later...

I still think about you everyday.
I still wonder what you would say.
I still cry uncontrollably.
I wonder how Sharon and the kids are... if Little Karlton is still a lil preacher. If Breanna is still outspoken, if Zeobia would still be a worry to you because of her big heart. If Dellinara (I know spellings are wrong.) knew that you were his in his heart.
It still feels like yesterday.

I know you are in a better place. But I wish I could have that dream again. The one where we are on the bench and you have something to say to me but I breakdown. Because it felt so real and just as you were about to tell me something, I realize you are dead and I wake up crying with pain in my jowls from clenching and a broken heart that feels like I am being split in two.

I know you have something to say to me and I can hear it now. If it's not too late.

I still remember our talk about Death and as you wished, I am hear to tell everyone about how you were a man of such integrity and a man of his word beyond all measures. You felt like you shouldn't go but you kept your word to the congregation because that's how you were.

You always put others first. There's just no way to explain to the world just what they lost when you passed so soon.

What you saw in me, I'll never know for sure. But it was a privilege and honor to be the one you shared your thoughts and "ideals" with and who you trusted enough to vent to. I Thank God for sending you to me and for pushing you to breakdown my walls. For that I am different and will be for the rest of my life.

You are a blessing. I hope you knew just how much your friendship meant to me and to so many others. I will NEVER forget you.