Today was therapy for the kids.
Lately, I've been questioning whether I should go through with the adoption. The kids have been very disrespectful and basically just regressing. I've been asking myself why I am putting myself through this torture because it has been torture most of the time.
Instead of having a "normal" life with a few bumps in the road. It's been nothing but bumps with a few hours of normalcy.
I've been physically hurt with scars to prove it in some cases and I've been totally disrespected as has hubs. My house has been destroyed. I spend my time repairing what they have broken so they can break it again or something else.
Anyway, there is no way to adequately explain what Hubs and I have been through this past year without getting into details that I shouldn't put out on the net.
The oldest has been following her mother's footsteps and it scares me. She's only 11. I brought it up at the session and of course it wasn't well recieved. I've told her that I grew up with her mother and that I see her and I know they aren't the same and I don't understand why she is doing this to herself.
I told her that she has the chance to be 11. She's the first in the family who has a chance to have a childhood even if it starts at 11 and not to waste it.
She had a smile pass her lips and the therapist asked her what the smile was about. She said that she was smiling because she would be the first to be a kid.
I started crying because it means so much. The loss of my childhood, having to become parents for family members my whole life, everything I have lost, everything I have been through. I never understood why the strife, why...me? What I had done to deserve this and to live through this and to be through this after surviving my childhood. But today, as I looked at her smiling and being proud of being the first. I stopped questioning my life choices and losses.
I realized yes, I had lost a lot. But because of that loss...look what I can offer. Look at the chance she is getting...the opportunity because of me and my sacrifices. Another step away from the family cycle. Another chance and opportunity at a real life. At that moment, it was all clear. Despite the pain and agony. Despite the loss of myself and my chance at life...Despite it all. If I can reach just one of the kids and let them know it doesn't have to be the way it always has been. It will be worth it.
Just...Lord give me the strength to take it all. Amen.
1 comment:
It is so hard to let go of a so called normal life and sacrifice it for the well being of another. I have watched the wonder here in y home. I have a friend who fostered over 30 kids mostly infants. Some will always be troubled and will be effected by what they have known for a life time. I think in these term. Who am I doing this for Them of me. When we make a choice we them have that chocee to make every moment. We will stumble and need the support of others to reach out and lift us up. We will lift another up too.
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