Celebrating

CDQ's therapist called with an open appointment today.  I've been taking iron for my anemia and my stomach has been all out of whack, so my mom took CDQ to the appointment today.  

We were going to start switching off anyway. CDQ's therapist agreed that I needed to have some time away from CDQ and time with my other kids. 

As the time got closer for them to leave, I realized it was going to be the first time I would be CDQ free with my other kids.  At first I thought I should do something with them. Bake or something...but the day outside was absolutely gorgeous and there's so many things they have been missing out on because a lot of things trigger CDQ. So I decided to let them just be. I've been in and out of the house slowly moving my holiday things into our new shed and it's so refreshing to see the Oldest sitting at the picnic table with a focused intent look writing in her journal (she wants to be a writer), SS is coasting down our hill on her bike with the wind in her hair and a huge smile on her face.  The boy and Poufy are working together to learn how to operate an RC car the boy has (they never realized it needed batteries. lol).  There is music in the background. No fighting, no chattering, no yelling for the other kids to shut up because they are laughing and having a good time.  

Even all my cats are out and about chasing each other up and down the hallway and exploring out on the porch, mingling with the dogs who are lazily lounging by the picnic table watching the kids enjoy themselves. 

I made the kids lunch and baked my first loaf of pumpkin spice bread for the fall season.  It's such a different atmosphere.  It's peaceful, it's calm, it's loving. 

The boy ran up to me after lunch and hugged me so tightly. He thanked me for letting them "do this", I could hear the lump in his throat. He was near tears and that breaks my heart, he will be 9 in a couple of weeks but he is still so little and fragile.  Normally it would make me so angry at myself for letting it come to this, for letting CDQ control so much. 

But inside, I feel peace. God has a plan for all of us and this is going to teach us something even if we don't know it right now. Some how, for now, this is making us stronger and my kids-- they will be paid back for the things they have had to endure.  I can't worry about making it right for them anymore.  I have learned that I could never make it right for them no matter what I did or didn't do.  After all, I am not God. :-p

"Condemnation weakens us and we keep repeating the same error over and over and over, but celebration strengthens us."   -From Joyce Meyer's book Eat the Cookie, Buy the Shoes  (Pg 44)

So I will celebrate. I will not focus on things I have mistakenly considered failures but I will leave you with this from SS...

Yes, it is a toilet paper roll and indeed, she did color the inside of it as well and it does say "love is everywhere."

Don't you just love what it says and isn't it especially charming that it is on a tp roll? lol Boy do I remember the poo and pee days. I am.so.glad. they are behind us. 

4 out of 5 ain't bad...nosireebob and we are still not done. 

Under Attack

I've been working really hard, trying to bring balance, strength and health back to me. Somewhere I became lost, bitter, hateful...a quitter.

I think the RA <-read constant pain- was the final straw but in this process, I have learned. I haven't ever truly quit. The fighter in me is still here.  My faith in God never truly left no matter how much I argued, threw tantrums and "disowned" Him.  I think I spent more time talking to God after I had called it quits than before. That's saying a lot considering those from my past will know I've mainly operated on my faith alone to get me through my entire life.

Somewhere, that solid constant got lost.   Maybe it was the loss of feeling safe in my home both on the inside (the kids attacking me) and the outside (the shooting across the street), maybe it was the false accusations (by the children and the therapist), maybe it was the threats (by everyone) and maybe it was when I thought I was losing it all financially.  When we thought our house was going to be foreclosed on and I had to stand in lines for food boxes.   Maybe it was the fear that I was losing Hubbins when he came so close to death last year.

Or maybe it was simply the voice inside my head that kept shooting me down. That kept snarling at me "Who the hell do you think you are? You CAN'T do this! You're just...You!" Maybe that voice belonged to my ex stepfather and abuser, or maybe it belonged to my mom...most likely it was my own voice.

Last week, I heard myself tell CDQs therapist I was worthless.  The words came out and it was like it wasn't even my own voice.  I heard them and the tears came to my eyes because the truth had been  spoken. But it couldn't be the truth.

Whatever it was, I'm working my way back. Yes, CDQ is hating every minute of it. Yes, she is attacking me multiple times a day.  I keep telling myself mind over matter. But my physical being has other plans.  Even though my mind is not sensing her as a threat so much anymore, my body changes gears on me. Her attacks make me physically ill. I'm typing right now with stiff swollen hands. She didn't stop until she saw her goal.

They say not to take it personal. They say it's not about you.  I try so hard to believe that even when I'm staring into CDQ's eyes as she tells me it IS about me and that *I*, indeed, am the one she hates.  My mind calmly ignores the perverse smile that plays on her lips.  But my body reacts to it.  My body reacts to her yelling at me to shut up even though I am not talking or even in her room. My body reacts to her calling me a bitch because she doesn't get her way.

Mind over matter, mind over matter mind overmatter mindovermattermindovermatter.....

Yesterday, Hubbins had a seating appointment for his new seating system. The appointment was an hour away. There was a big accident on the freeway that closed down all lanes in the direction we needed to go. We didn't get to his 12:30 appointment until after 2:30. While we were there, my mom called and told me CDQ had asked for water and called 911 instead.

She was calling to accuse me of beating her or some such thing and I wasn't even home.  The other kids were huddled hugging each other and crying because they had a girl at the emergency children's center they were placed in who had told them they were there because her little brother had called 911 and lied to the dispatcher. My kids (minus CDQ) were terrified they were going to be taken away because CDQ lied.

I talked to them over speaker phone and reassured them they weren't going anywhere. I called the therapists office and spoke to the director who told me to have the police contact them if they need additional information. Then I called 911. I made arrangements to take the kids on a tour of the facilities for today.

I decided I was taking my power back and I was empowering my other children. Because CDQ has held this 911 nonsense over our heads for waaaay too long.  So today we went.  We were fortunate enough to run into an officer who I had confused with the 911 dispatcher who was going to give us the tour.  I asked him to explain the process for children to be removed from the home.  He told them they had to have some kind of evidence of abuse, they just wouldn't remove them. I reassured them that they could breathe because as we know there is no abuse in our home. My poor kids looked so solemn and fragile as they shook their heads. Except for CDQ she scoffed.

Her idea of abuse is not having access to television or radio (even though she now recognizes that those things cause her stomach pains, diarrhea and acid reflux), not having a cell phone or clothes from the mall, etc...

The police officer basically told her I was her parent and I called the shots. Sweet idea wasn't it? Then the actual dispatcher came out.

Needless to say, CDQ was not pleased.

She's going to not be pleased A LOT more often because I've been able to vocalize to CDQs therapist what has been going on in our home. Ever since CDQ flipped in front of her, she's been listening more than she did before.

I've fought so hard to keep CDQ under the radar. To keep her from being labeled, to keep her out of residential treatment. But I read this sentence from one of Joyce Meyer's books:

"The most foolish thing in the world is to try and do something about something you can't do anything about."

and it hit home.

As I said in my last post, I'm letting go and I've given it to God.

Letting go...

First, there was a flare-up. Followed by a wicked sinus infection (and no insurance), followed by a flare-up overlapped by flo.

Thankfully the flare-up is gone, unfortunately the sitting around in pain thing made me so stir-crazy I got up at the butt crack of dawn this morning, watched the sun rise over the mountains and into the clouds and then fixed the gate, weeded and trimmed the rose bushes (whoa, those babies are taller than me!) and did some cross stitch after I finished reading a book.

PPLLLLLLLLLLEASE don't let me have another flare-up?!?

I know I over did it, but I've been out of commission for a week! I couldn't even take CDQ to therapy my mom had to.  Yesterday I couldn't even lift my left arm.

I hate this so much, I hate not being able to do what I used to and I'm not even old enough to really be feeling this way.

Right now, I want to empty out the closets and start loading up the shed we bought so I can continue to declutter my house. Because believe it or not, I am *still* doing The Big Clean of 2010 (Little did I know it was going to take the whole damn year! lol).  I want to finish organizing my sewing room so I can get down to some serious crafting, I want to clean out my laundry room, kitchen, etc...

All the things I used to put off I want done now (of course). Typically I do a big clean- dusting, carpet steaming, THE WORKS and put out my yummy smelling autumn stuff...but this year is probably going to be the same as last year, I didn't get a chance to do it all.

I hope not, I am trying to stay positive about the whole thing. Trying to see this past week as a mini (pain-filled) vacation.

So with that said, I know I can't control any of this and I am giving it to God.  I am going to do some laundry and some baking and I am going to get Hubbins up and take care of some errands in town today and I ask God to please help me to do these things as painlessly as possible given the circumstances.  And I want to thank Him for the great summer we were able to have this year.

Amen :-)

Happy Monday everyone! Have of a good week.

Cattititude

Me: Scrawn, why aren't you posting anymore?

Scrawn: Mother....did you NOT see the horrendous picture Purries posted of me last time? How can I face my readers?!? Why does Purries have to post? Blogging was MY thing. She always has to copy me and embarrass me. What a loser!

Me:  She loves you! Wow, Scrawn, look how big you've gotten! I think I see some back fat over here...

Scrawn: What? Where?
Me: WHOA! Look at all that kitty!

Scrawn: WAIT! Are you like, seriously, taking my picture????

If you blog this, you are SO no longer my mother!!!

This post is brought to you by the letters R and A.

Ugh. It's 5:30 am. I've been up since 2 am. I woke up because of the pain in my wrists, fingers and shins.  It was the first time in forever that I actually fell asleep before midnight, I could not keep myself up even to 10 pm.

So, yeah... I still think I am in remission.

Yeah, I'm in the middle of a flare-up.

BUT, I can still walk...so I call that remission ;-)

So what does a girl do when she can't sleep and the world is sleeping?  Cross- stitch while watching old episodes of Alfred Hitchcock on Netflix streaming.  Blog... throw in the last load of laundry...

I know, I know... I said my fingers hurt and my wrists hurt and oh boy do they... but I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired, you know?  Maybe I am causing my own pain.

I read a lot about the "I cannot do this anymore"  in arthritis.  I am in no way bragging or saying suck it up or anything like that.  I worry when my time will come and I will have a list of "I absolutely cannot do this anymore."

I read some RA blogs by incredible women and I know when they say they can't, they really can't.  I guess why I am fixating on the "can'ts" is because so many people I encounter seem to think I am full of it because some days I absolutely can't and others I will work through the pain.

I can't seem to explain the pain and the day to day unknown of it all to people.

I mean, after all...I LOOK ok and I keep making myself do very painful things.

Maybe I'm stupid, Maybe I'm causing myself more problems in the long run... but I know that others will understand.  Those who walk in similar shoes will understand the denial, the loss, the humility that comes along with this. But I guess for me, it's mostly my feelings of failure.

The saying

"She turned her can'ts into cans and her dreams into plans."

keeps  reverberating through my head.

I'm just not ready to give up yet. I may say it every now and again when the pain becomes unbearable. But I'm just not done.

Um...ok...I KNOW your kids do this...

I'm sure you have had these moments with your kids...the ones where they come to you and say:

"It hurts when I do ______."

So you turn around and tell them:

"Well then I wouldn't do ______ if I were you, would I?"

Ok, maybe not quite like that, but you know what I mean?

Tonight, the boy came up to me hand on forehead first palm side and then back of hand alternating.

"Last night, when I was under my covers, I was SOOO hot!"

Um...yeah...

Me: "Well, next time you're hot, take off your covers."

Him: *Staring blankly at me* "Ok."

*shaking my head and looking for the nearest wall to bang it against*

Honestly, I don't remember doing that when I was a kid and I've asked my mother about it and she said I never did things like that either.

Scary, huh?  Especially since I know quite a few of you mothers out there are shaking your head thinking "I know EXACTLY what she is talking about." lol

Then the ride stopped...

I went in to see my therapist (M) last week who immediately took me in to see CDQ's therapist (AT). She stayed in the room and that helped a lot.

I don't know where I flipped and started trying to be a people pleaser- that I haven't been since I went off to college. But I couldn't stand hearing myself say it was ok. I mean, really... my kid was totally disregulated and I paid for it and if AT was saying it was her fault, why did I keep insisting it was ok?

I feel like AT is inexperienced when it comes to kids like CDQ. I feel very strongly that this is AT's first really really bad case.  I don't know. She keeps saying the Director is telling her what to do and that she is conferring with others and showing CDQ's video. I also noticed she's short tempered with my indecisiveness.

Case in point, the previous post about my visit with M, I talked about the rescue team not being put in a position where something can happen to them.  All these months, I've been sitting out in the waiting room while CDQ goes in with AT, now that I say I am going to meet with M--CDQ says she needs me in the room.

Manipulation- whether it comes from fear or whatever, CDQ does NOT want me to get better. She wants to continue to be able to zing me.  So is it truly fear or is it control. Yes, it could be argued that even if it is for control it is still fear...fine.

BUT, if I am part of the rescue am I doing more damage by not getting myself an oxygen mask first (ie.  my therapy session)?  I had my session with M scheduled to overlap with CDQ's since I was sitting out there the whole time doing nothing...so the AT asks CDQ if she wants me in the room and of course CDQ says yes now.  I should go back and find the post about talking to AT about being in the room from the get go and getting the thumbs down, anyone remember that?

So, I was confused for a bit about what I should do.  I know they charge $25 if you miss a session and I wasn't sure if they were going to do that.  Plus, M had moved her schedule and moved someone else so I could have this slot...but mainly I was thinking about the rescue thing.

Out loud in front of AT, I had mumbled that I wasn't sure what I should do and I heard her mumble back that I needed to do whatever my child needed.  Hmmmm... I guess that's all I'll say about that, for now anyway.

Anyhow, with M in the room it was easier to get AT to stop and listen to what I was saying. She would interrupt and say something to M who would turn around and ask me a question or look to me so I could say something.

So, we talked about a residential treatment center (RTC) but I said that I didn't want her to go. I always say I don't want her to learn new things but can you imagine the whole new set of traumas if she was "taken" from my home and placed with A LOT more people to be afraid of. It breaks my heart when I think of it that way. So for now, she will be seeing the therapist twice a week.

I made it clear there was to be no more Jonas Bros or any music at all. This in front of M, who I told a couple of months ago the one time I saw her, that I didn't want that anymore. Wow, that sentence sucks. I hope it makes sense. I'm just wondering when M sat in that day if she remembers that was a topic we discussed before.

I also told AT we needed to find a way for ME to bond with CDQ especially if she had flipped into processing trauma.

I told her about CDQ telling me she was scared to be in there with her AT. So AT asked her if she wanted me in there and she did. I don't think AT likes me in there.  Actually, I don't think AT likes me at all, but that's neither here nor there. It's not about me after all.

Finally, I was taught something that helps. Tapping.

I thought there was something special to it because the way she explained to me before was that she was opening up CDQ during the sessions and would close her before she left. So I had never tried the tapping before.

Basically, all you do is tap the shoulders, the head, the tops of the knees, and the sides of her back gently with your fingers.  This helps with the chatter. It also helps calm her down BIG TIME.  I had to use it that night we got back from the therapist and it literally took her back to center under 5 minutes.  I timed it. While you are doing this, you talk to her subconscious and tell her she is safe and that you are there to keep her safe and that you are completely there for her.  So even if she's chattering and stuff, when she takes a break to breathe tell her she's safe and it actually slows down the chatter to silence. If you're worried she's going to ask a question that may set her off if you don't answer, tell her to take deep breaths. That's what I did.

I did tapping again tonight and this time aside from telling her she was safe, I did it while she was talking about her nightmares and I shifted her from talking about bad stuff to focusing on good stuff. I asked her what she thought would happen if she forgot the bad stuff.  Of course, I'm not suggesting she will completely forget, but I brought this up because it just seems to me that she is perpetuating all the bad things in her mind because she may feel she needs to remember it or something.

I asked her what she thought would happen if she focused on good memories. Specifically safe memories. Of course, those were things from here. I asked her what made her happy and safe. She named foods and holidays. I asked her if there was a season that made her feel safe. She said winter because we stay inside and are warm.

She asked me if her mind was confusing her when it came to the music stuff. Because she really does think it makes her happy and then it makes her mad that she can't hear it. One of the things she said made her feel safe was strawberries.  I asked her if strawberries made her feel mad and scared like the music does. She smiled and said "no".  So, I told her I thought maybe she should think about that when it comes to the music.

She left my room pretty happy and was bubbly for the rest of the night.  I'm not saying that the tapping is transforming her. I'm sure the other shoe will drop, but it helps to let me talk to the real CDQ. Sure she came back and questioned me more about music and I told her I wanted her to focus on things that weren't going to scare her before bedtime. I thought I was going to get THE FLIP...but she stayed regulated, there was a flicker but I had said I wanted her to feel safe and happy when she went to bed and apparently that's what she wanted for tonight as well.

So for now, the ride has slowed and hopefully will come to a complete stop for a little bit. In the meantime, I will be catching my breath. :-)