The Crazies, Part 2

This is part 2 of a 5 part post: 

Part one is here.

Part three is here.

Part four is here.

Part five is here.

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Just to clarify, in the previous post when I was talking about CDQ taking her own life, we were talking about a mental institution not suicide or a facility where she would be kept.  Not suicide.

Although we might as well get on with the story...which I can pick up on her total meltdown. Almost a week before we saw the doctor, she did really awful on her school assignments. It was about suffixes, prefixes, root words, and dictionary use. We are talking not one thing right in the unit. She didn't ask a question from me nothing.

I asked her what she didn't understand about her assignment and that's when she decided it was time to attack me verbally. First she started out by ignoring me when I was trying to explain the assignment. I told her if she didn't want to listen she could just leave and I would move on with the other kids.  So she went on about how she was listening and she just didn't want to look at me right now.

I should have just sent her to her room. But I was more like "whatever" and went on.  It was clear she wasn't listening as I progressed so I asked her what was wrong. She told me she thinks her answers are right and that I am wrong. She thinks that I don't understand the problems and that I don't know what I am doing.

I laughed. Wrong choice. That just pissed her off. But it turns out that she was already pissed off at me.As I talked to her she accused me of being mad at her, which, at that time I wasn't. Then she accused me of yelling at her...which I wasn't. I thought maybe I was talking too loud. I've explained to them that I might do that because I can't hear myself.

I don't know why I didn't see the signs that this was going to end badly. As I tried to explain how to use definitions and such. She kept verbally attacking me. Hubbins was in the room and told CDQ she was mistaken. I thought maybe if an uninterested third party came in (The oldest) it might make sense...

1.) I will never bring in another child when it comes to CDQ.  For the other kids, sometimes a sibling helps me to see or the child to see miscommunications. It's been really helpful before.

2.) I will not let CDQ verbally abuse me again. I will not sit by and let her attack me time after time.

I didn't get it. She was out for my blood. I thought I could ignore her BS and still teach her what she needed to know schoolwise.  That was until she hit paydirt. She started to attack me like my stepfather used to do when I would tell him I thought he was touching me inappropriately. It hit home and I told her to get out. Not in those words. But cuss words.

She won.

By some coincidence, my mom called about an hour later. I say coincidence because she called me on her lunch break from work. I talked it out with her. I wasn't mad any more and of course I could see the whole picture in hindsight. I was disappointed in myself and to be entirely honest I was scared and shocked because I didn't realize that those words that my stepfather said still had any power over me.  My fight wasn't with CDQ at all and I knew it as soon as I saw her retreat. My anger wasn't with her at all. It felt like it was little me, finally saying the words that were never said to defend myself.

I should have wrote about this sooner because this is where I get hazy.  I've asked Hubbins about it and he said basically we had ended her day because she was attacking everyone that day.

In our house, if you didn't sleep well, you are given a chance to rest or take a nap after we explain that we can tell (usually I know they didn't sleep well because I can see them tossing and turning at night). If you are having a bad day, you are given alone time to sort it out or try and work through it. But when you start attacking other people and won't see reason after explanations are given about the behaviors.  We end your day and wish for you to have a better day tomorrow.

This is after sending yuckies away, etc... and it's the last resort. Usually this happens when their anger  is disrupting everyone and could lead to them smacking each other.  It used to be common but has become very rare in the last 8-10 months.

Anyhow, we had ended CDQ's day and she was bringing her water bottle out of her room. I wasn't in the kitchen but Hubbins and a few of the other kids were. CDQ was screaming at me from the top of her lungs. I don't know what she was saying because I didn't know she was screaming at me. I wasn't in there.

When I heard the screaming, I did go in there because I didn't know what was going on. I still hadn't realized that she was screaming at me. I thought something had happened in there.  But when I saw what she was doing, it didn't matter who she was screaming at. She was out of control, drooling on herself and spitting while she yelled. I remembered that I had to take the child out of the situation before it escalated further and I grabbed her hand and started to lead her out of the kitchen, she pulled away so I grasped her from her shoulders and told her the show was over and we were leaving the kitchen.

I started to lead her out of the kitchen and she literally threw herself on the floor (her mother used to pull that crap.)  But she was and still insists that I threw her on the floor.  The other kids who saw have tried to tell her she's lying but I've asked them to just let it go. Besides, at the time we had the video cameras recording it all.

I tried to pull her up to a standing position the best I could and finally got her to her room. She was hysterical. I still don't know if this was right or wrong, but I let her go on for about 5 minutes or so without saying a word.  I can't tell you what she said because I couldn't understand her.  I did slap her.

Not maliciously. I was not angry with her at all.  But I was at a loss and I thought that it would snap her out of it, just like tv. That is not an excuse and as stupid as it sounds...I don't know what the hell I would do if it happened again because at that moment. She stopped dead in her tracks. No more screaming, no more fake crying. She turned and looked at me dead in the eye and calmly said "You shouldn't have done that. I want you to call the police right now. That's child abuse."

Um, ok... I told her that was not child abuse and I reminded her that the cameras were running and caught everything.  I couldn't help but feel like that was her plan all along. To try and get me to hit her.  Except it didn't quite work out because I never got mad and I didn't even know she was still mad at me or that the whole thing had anything to do with me.

I've explained to her and all my other children lest they think it was abuse... that it might not be the best thing to do, but I've never seen anyone hysterical like that in real life and that's what I've seen done to help a person snap out of it.  I also told her apparently it works because you aren't screaming anymore and you are able to talk to me.  I did tell her that I would find out if there was a different way to take care of that.

I don't know. I've looked things up and I guess probably the best situation is to call an ambulance for her if it happens again. There was mention of restraining or causing pain or soothing and hugging the person.  None of those things seem right to me given our situation.  Getting her to medical attention makes the most sense but how am I supposed to get her in the van and to the ER, I guess?  I don't know. I'm saving that question for the new attachment therapist.

Anyhow, after "the slap", she was able to tell me that she believes she is an evil monster who was born this way and will always be that way and when I told her she wasn't she tried to argue with me but I didn't engage. So she started biting herself and yelling at me that she likes to hurt herself because it feels good and she hides it under her pants.

I told her I wasn't going to stand there and watch her hurt herself and I left the room.  I watched her from the video cameras and after I left she immediately stopped biting herself and started rubbing her spots where she had started biting.

I know for a fact that she's not cutting, scratching or biting anywhere visible. Her Pj's are shorts and a tank top and she likes to spread her legs for effect around here trying to show everyone everything.  There are no marks on her. I don't think she made that connection yet. I haven't mentioned it because the last thing I want to do is make her really do it for effect.


Things I've learned so far-

1.) My child is hurting, I can see it clearly.
2.) I need to figure out how to keep footage of any incidents like these for the protection of everyone. My current system records but it resets when it's full and starts recording over previous stuff.
3.) I need to never be alone with her and keep a close eye on anyone else that is alone with her. I've always been keeping a close eye on her when she's around others, but I didn't realize I was going to have to protect myself in the same way from her as well.

I look at all the things that went wrong in this situation and I still sit here not completely sure how it could have gone differently for the better.

4.) I'm concerned about my lack of feeling when I am around CDQ. I don't feel empty when I think about her or write about her but when I'm near her. I feel disconnected and like I am not myself.

The Crazies, Part 1

This is part 1 of a 5 part post: 

Part two is here.

Part three is here.

Part four is here.

Part five is here.

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So CDQ has been doing her best to convince everyone that she is certifiably crazy.

I believe it is for attention and because we are getting too close for her comfort.

I feel sorry for CDQ.  There will never be enough of anything for her in this world. Never enough attention, never enough of anything she suddenly desires on a whim and it will be everyone's fault but her own. She's inherited that from her bio mother. I couldn't figure it out with her and I doubt that I will get it figured out with CDQ.

She's been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. My problem with that is she is slowly but surely developing a conscience and she actually gets mad at herself after she has some of the behaviors. She knows right from wrong and she usually feels bad about herself after an outburst. She has come to me and told me she doesn't know why she does it, but usually afterwards she wishes she hadn't done it.

Granted, she's pretty coy (or at least she thinks she is) at manipulating people by trying to make them believe she is sincere when it's the farthest thing from the truth.

I've tried to see if I can find the triggers for these outbursts and such to try and prevent it but they are so varied and out of nowhere, I haven't been able to put my finger on it.  The little reading I've done on Borderline Personality Disorder definitely reflects CDQ's behaviors. However, they also reflect her bio parents behaviors too. Both bio parents. CDQ has something different. She recognizes the behaviors. Her bio parents will deny it all until they die.

Then I came across this article that said sometimes young children are diagnosed with BPD when they aren't. When they are young, children sometimes tend to see the world through their parents eyes. I wondered if CDQ was simply mimicking the things she had seen.

It doesn't seem farfetched since she is certainly mimicking her movie-induced ideas of crazy from the past.

Because of our past therapy experience, I am very leery to bring these behaviors to a doctor. I may not know the total ins and outs of CDQ, but I know her better than anyone else in this world. She can be convincing. Very convincing, maybe too convincing for a 15 minute visit to her pediatrician.

So last week, before her appointment with the doc, I put it out there. I may have embellished things a little or maybe what I said is really what happens... I dunno.

I told her that I needed to know if the things she was doing were real because if they aren't she needed to 'fess up now before I talked to the doctor about it. Her reaction towards bringing a doctor into the picture was priceless. It was very "Oh shit!" like. So I went with it. I told her that unlike her disorders, the kind of crazy (Jack Nicholson- and no I've never said that to her or anyone IRL, just right here and now) she's showing us is the kind that therapy can't help. It's the kind of crazy that gets you locked up for good.  I told her she likes to tell me that I want her life and I want to steal it for myself (still don't understand that) but she's going to end up taking her own life by playing these games, but not in those words exactly...

I told her again, if it's real. We need to let the doctor know. But if she's pretending then she needs to let me know so that we don't give the doctor the wrong idea.

Now I know, this seems crazy, or is it just me? I was a bit worried the act might be real and that I might be scaring her into making it nothing. I was very clear not to cross the line to where I thought she would feel manipulated. I left the choice totally hers but I did want her to feel like she was informed. I do feel like I am the last person fighting for her and once I give up, she may end up institutionalized for life, all because she was a kid who didn't know she was  playing with fire. I tried to be nonchalant about the whole thing, like it was par for the course when discussing these matters.

She was biting her nails long before I finished. She decided to let me know that she indeed was "acting" weird on purpose. She wanted her siblings to like her and she thought she was being "normal".

Part of what she was doing was making things up. She had taken her "reality" of being raped in our home, to a "dream" where the same people forced her to write a song and then those same people took her song and sold it. So she couldn't share it with the other kids because it was a big hit and they would recognize it.

Um...yeah... that's the milder of her behaviors. She doesn't see it as straight out lying if SHE says they are "dreams" or for "real" or not what she "meant" or we "misunderstood".

She told me she made it all up so she could be normal. When I asked her how that made her normal, she changed tracks to the whole " I just want them to leave me alone, no one likes me..." So we were off again on the same ---you treat others the way you want to be treated path.

It makes me sad that she lets her fear get in the way of what she really wants.  She really wants her siblings to like her, she really wants to be close to them and to be a big part of their lives and when she feels like she *might* be rejected or even thinks that if she put herself out there and will be rejected she shuts them out and lashes out at them.

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This was written almost two weeks ago. So much has changed already but I will try to post it all.

Despair

Last night I had to run to the pharmacy to get Hubbins' regular prescriptions. While I was there, I browsed around and came across a display of various mood rings.

I thought, what the hell? and I slipped one on my pinky. I was sure it was going to turn royal blue like most  mood rings do because of body heat. Instead it turned a teal-ish, turquoise, orange rusty color.  I chuckled because really, I hadn't noticed the 16 color chart and was under the assumption there were only like 4 or 5 colors to it. I was thinking I picked a broken ring or I was a freakish person who creates my own mood colors.

So, yeah there were many colors on the definition chart, I was almost to the end when I actually found my color. I glanced down to the word under it and was a little shocked, a little peeved and a lot sad when I read it.

Despair.

A freakin' mood ring hit it on the head. I've been feeling that way lately. I didn't think I was feeling like that at the time, but definitely on and off throughout the day I was feeling it.

With an anger, like someone had discovered my little secret or something, I shoved the damn ring back into the display box.

But obviously since this is making it as a post, that $2 ring is still haunting me. Will the feelings of despair ever go away?

Journaling...

I mentioned starting a journal with SS in this post.  It's been a success I would say. She has cracked me up on several occasions with the way she thinks.

Case in point-

I know this is scary for an 11 year old, grade level wise- but I will get into that in a minute. I love this post because I can see her thought process and the title was a relief after so many blood drenched nightmares filled with death and murder.

For awhile, I was starting to believe that SS had a learning disability. But, as they say in the book Adopting The Hurt Child,  In the "Lags in Learning" portion. It's a method of survival for the child to act stupid and eventually the child will appear to be stupid.  I'm not saying that SS is stupid... uh uh. That girl is far from it. But her self esteem and confidence is so low, I've been thinking it's the easier way out for her.

We've had some serious conversations in her journal.  She has some profound ideas on life and I've learned she draws her attention from others by being overly sympathetic and caring.  One might not think that would be too bad, but it's not completely sincere and it is taken to the limit.

She saves her "tough talk" for the journal, but to the outside world, she can't break a plate.  Little eye contact, unless she is trying to intimidate and mumbled language.

I struggle with some of my responses to her.  One particular writing comes to mind where she was talking about life and how she views it. Her philosophy on life is what she calls "a hard on life."

I struggled because she was writing with such emotion and such depth I was hurting for her until I found myself laughing almost uncontrollably over that one line (stress release maybe?) Don't worry, I never read it in front of her.   I believe she meant hard KNOCK life, like from Annie.  I struggled with whether to correct her when she was opening up so much. I decided against it, although I think I should possibly revisit it or have her watch Annie to see if she picks up on it. It might be unfortunate for her to repeat that to someone else later on down the line, you know?

I'm still contemplating journal writing with the others. I don't want it to be forced and I definitely don't want it to become another way for them to attack me.

I do know that I will definitely be keeping this journal and any others that follow for SS to have when she is older. Even though on the outside she doesn't appear to be changing much. There is definitely a revolution taking place inside her. The anger, her desire to be in charge of herself and not follow what others want or expect of her.  She's fighting for herself and her independence from her siblings and it scares her.

I'll be there, rooting for her all the way and helping her get back on track when she loses her path. I actually feel honored to be able to see this happening. Maybe not in the day to day stuff but most definitely through the big picture.

Pulling it all together...

I have spent the last month and a half trying to pull it all together.

I've tried to be accepting of my limitations due to my RA and my family situation. I think in some instances it has made me a better mom and wife.  I've tried to be more patient with myself and extend that to my family as well.  I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to do the amount of things I once used to do with ease.

Sometimes, I feel my old self return. I feel like I could move the world and I try to and I end up paying for it the next day. Seriously, I've been shuffling around with what feels sort of like what I would imagine an ass cramp would feel like for three days now. I feel crooked. It's hard to have patience when sitting or movement hurts. It's hard to get up from my desk chair and Hubbins thinks it's funny to suggest I need one of those recliners that basically stands a person up. I'll be honest it doesn't just physically hurt, my feelings get hurt too.

Just this past week, I did go out and buy myself a recliner.  I moved my bed out of my room and I now have a cuddler recliner in my room. I have to tell you, I love it and I have actually slept well in it. It actually supports me. My only trouble is getting out of it because I am so short. My legs don't actually rest on the leg part but on the seat when I am laying back completely. *blush*

The other thing about this past month and a half... my kids. We've been through quite a bit, but for some reason these last several weeks have been the most emotionally exhausting, yet rewarding of all our time together.

I've implemented some things around here to help the kids feel what I hope is coming across as a loving security.  I think there is a difference between door alarms- secure and feeling safe with someone- secure.

I know a lot of people might be going....duh! But to me it's a new concept. As I child, I never felt safe or truly loved, come to think about it...I'm still working on those things today. So for me, it takes a lot of thought and things clicking in.

I'm making the kids some homemade lovies and I bought a baby monitor for CDQ that actually plays lullaby's for 15 minutes.  She acts like she hates it but I see her smile every night I go in there and turn it on and I've heard her quietly singing with it.

I've talked to the kids about keepsakes and passing things on in the family. (I have nothing) Trying to help them along into thinking about the future.

The big clean is still going on here. Not as fast as I would like, but most definitely it is a deep clean going on in the closets and places that have not been touched since the kids moved in.  Even though a person coming into my house today might not be able to see it, I know the volume of stuff that has been purged to goodwill or the trash over the past couple of months.

Homeschool is moving along swiftly, which reduces my stress levels somewhat. Most of last year was spent working on behavioral issues so we are working a grade behind for now, which doesn't sit well with me because I realized my kids were already working a grade behind in public school even though they were supposed to be in a certain grade. Let's not even talk about the money I spent on Catholic school for the oldest, only to find I have to bring her back as well...*sigh*

We've started to have psuedo movie nights every Sunday before the Amazing Race. I say psuedo because I call them at the last minute and we have dinner in our bedroom. Nothing is planned as far as the kids know and boy is it driving them crazy. Last Sunday was The Pagemaster. Cute movie. I'm allowing the kids to watch The Amazing Race this season, because so far the women have kept their clothes on and the guys aren't acting like dogs.  It's been great. Poufy and the Boy play the Amazing Race every morning when they run out the door to get the dogs their water. It's hilarious because the baby monitors pick up on them from outside.

I feel warm and fuzzy about it because those two feel carefree enough to run outside and do that without supervision AND they are actually imagining things! Did you know my kids couldn't play like that? When they played, it was house and the Dad called the Mom "bitch" and yelled at her and it was all ok. I shudder to think about that.  What's funny about them outside, I was embarrassed at first about this, was I could hear them talking to the dogs. "Madi you need to sit down and not jump! Do you hear me Madi!?! Do you understand?" That's embarrassing because it was said in the tone  and language I use with them. LOL!

I have more to say about the way they play but I think this is getting long and rambling. I've been dropping in on blogs but my reader is full because I have only been getting snippets of posts before I am called away.  For example, tonight I got to see Torina wearing a baby snuggly like a tank top.... um...yeah, I need to go back and read that one.

All the difference...

We have our ups and downs. We stumble and fall, but some how through it all we are there to help each other up despite the hardships...To me, this picture says it all.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly...now with sarcasm.

The Good... we are all still alive and we are heading towards the end of birthday month in these parts.  (Yep, BIRTHDAY MONTH- one in mid-January and then three weeks in a row ending this Friday. God help me...)

I found some OTC pills that were helping my RA tremendously.  Well, helping my joints which, in turn, helped with my pain... not 100% pain free but less pain none the less.

Which leads me to...

THE BAD.... apparently my jaw decided it was time to join the RA party and now I can barely swallow anything...last night's dinner...nope.  Those new joint pills...nope.  Ibuprofen... uh,uh. $#%^!!!!!!

Could it be stress? Maybe, considering a few months ago my pay was reduced due to budget cuts and then last month my hours were reduced by 11 hours a week starting March 1st.  Hmmm..come to think of it, this jaw pain really got bad yesterday.....

THE UGLY... as a consequence to BIRTHDAY MONTH (maybe caps will make it exciting, naw...still sucked). I've had RAD and Borderline Personality ALL OVER THE PLACE. The kind that makes me wonder  "How in the F, I got here? Why in the F, did I ever agree to this? What in the F is exactly causing all this?, When in the F will it ever really end? and Who in the F did I think I was, since I thought I could do this at all?" (Can you tell I was a writer for the school paper and yearbook?, Surely if not by my jacked up writing which in my defense it's been 16 years, it's by my investigative questions into my own situation....again..naw? ok)

*sigh* on a positive note... I seem to be ahead of the ball this year, we are only in the third month and I am averaging a child per month (well this month is still young)  who "HATES ME".   However, I think that streak will end because LORD FORBID if *I* believe one of them ....get ready for this.... LOVES ME--- GASP!

Last week as CDQ was biting herself and screaming at me that she loves it (biting herself) and that it feels good and that she was born evil and will always be evil and that..that...that well, to quote her... "I HATE YOU!" I decided to share with her the following:

"You were not born evil, you are not like this, I already got to see the real CDQ and she is NOTHING like this.  I don't know why you want to be like this, but it is not who you are.  Furthermore, you hate me? Did you know that you must love someone first in order to hate them?" and I shut the door and left the room to total silence from CDQ for the rest of the day.  Not a peep.

It's true. At least back in the day, when I was searching for the perfect word for the way I felt about my bio father... I looked up the word hate and that's what it said.... in order to hate someone, to have that intense of a feeling you must love them with an intensity as well.  The definition has changed since I looked it up in elementary school. It focuses more on the slang and usage now than the actual meaning of the word.

So that's why I figured they won't be throwing that "hate" word around here so easily. lol

So much more to tell you guys...this little snippet was nothing compared to the whole thing that happened. But I can't get into that right at this moment...homeschool is waiting...

For the record, the word I found as a kid for my bio father that fit perfectly.... indifferent. Of course, I won't share that with the kids. LOL!

Waiting for Wednesday...my two youngest girls are seeing a female doctor to put an end to the periods.  It's too much for them (i.e. CDQ) and they shouldn't have to worry about the things that come along with it.