Well, Hubbins tried his best and did a good job to try to patch the day up for me. But in the end it was Hubbins and the oldest who wished me a happy mother's day. I can't forget either how Purries and Smudge greeted me in song when I walked through their "bedroom" door this morning. Lots of kitty love. The others...well, I just didn't exist for them today.
Even my baby sister texted me happy mother's day, but she still slips and calls me mommy sometimes. (long story).
I didn't expect anything from them, but it just sometimes reaffirms in me that I made a huge mistake. RAD or not. I know people say that adopted children are the same as bio children, but I just don't feel that way. I also know my situation is different.
Sometimes I feel like I cheated all of us by going through with the adoption. Sometimes, I feel like I cheated them out of a mother because maybe it would have been easier for them to attach to a complete stranger. And I feel like I cheated Hubbins and myself out of children because I struggle with the whole bio child issue and how these kids can and will damage any children we might have. Mentally, sexually, physically.
GS makes it even harder when I am with all the "normal" kids. I did day camp with them on Saturday and their love and affection just flows so freely and they are so carefree and innocent. It's hard to switch from that place where those kids are genuinely happy and engaged and come back in to the tension and unhappiness and coldness.
Literally, coming in from the warmth of our yard with those kids, into our home. Why weren't my kids out? Because they had already started their "holiday" behavior. Stealing, lying, hating. I had to protect the kids outside from my kids. Because with my kids, it's totally acceptable to brag about how you broke a boys nose just because he sat too close to you. (which I don't even believe it is true) but with those kids, it makes them scared and sad to hear that and they actually cry just to hear the words. All I need is for them to tell their parents. Then I have to explain how my kids lie.
Anyhow, I hope everyone had a Happy Mother's Day!
