Well, Hubbins tried his best and did a good job to try to patch the day up for me. But in the end it was Hubbins and the oldest who wished me a happy mother's day. I can't forget either how Purries and Smudge greeted me in song when I walked through their "bedroom" door this morning. Lots of kitty love. The others...well, I just didn't exist for them today.
Even my baby sister texted me happy mother's day, but she still slips and calls me mommy sometimes. (long story).
I didn't expect anything from them, but it just sometimes reaffirms in me that I made a huge mistake. RAD or not. I know people say that adopted children are the same as bio children, but I just don't feel that way. I also know my situation is different.
Sometimes I feel like I cheated all of us by going through with the adoption. Sometimes, I feel like I cheated them out of a mother because maybe it would have been easier for them to attach to a complete stranger. And I feel like I cheated Hubbins and myself out of children because I struggle with the whole bio child issue and how these kids can and will damage any children we might have. Mentally, sexually, physically.
GS makes it even harder when I am with all the "normal" kids. I did day camp with them on Saturday and their love and affection just flows so freely and they are so carefree and innocent. It's hard to switch from that place where those kids are genuinely happy and engaged and come back in to the tension and unhappiness and coldness.
Literally, coming in from the warmth of our yard with those kids, into our home. Why weren't my kids out? Because they had already started their "holiday" behavior. Stealing, lying, hating. I had to protect the kids outside from my kids. Because with my kids, it's totally acceptable to brag about how you broke a boys nose just because he sat too close to you. (which I don't even believe it is true) but with those kids, it makes them scared and sad to hear that and they actually cry just to hear the words. All I need is for them to tell their parents. Then I have to explain how my kids lie.
Anyhow, I hope everyone had a Happy Mother's Day!
7 comments:
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, I've been wondering the same thing(s) about DD lately....oh how I so much want a biological child....and it doesn't look like it'll happen...and even if it did, how could I be a good parent with DD around to teach my baby how to lie, how to sneak, how to take the fall for her "crimes"....I just don't know...
I keep telling myself that "it's all in the grand plan..." and maybe I was just put on this earth to take care of people who need serious help....? I don't know!
Anyhow, just know you aren't alone....and...given some time away from the kids, you might miss them more than you think....? Maybe???
Are there any summer camps near where you live that are affordable? That accept special needs kids? Because even in our small rural area they are, and I can tell you that everyone I know is looking forward to the week when DD goes to camp :-) Just a thought...
Sending you a hug Sasha!
Hugs!
Hi Sweetie, Love ya! Cant rest in second guessing...just have to go on with what is. Hugs to ya, I understand "what is sorta sucks" , I have a girl friend who is in a similar place but now they have grown. What your doing is making a difference. You are just paying a high price for it. Choice is tough and when we second guess it it can sorta harden the heart. It is done. Your doing what you chose good bad or ugly it was a choice that now with your good character you will follow through with. Your heart is good. Go with that. Grieve the loss that is alright to do. Sweet lady do not give up though. Follow through.
Thank you for being brave enough to put into words what we have all felt. Things are getting better after 10 years. I think part of it is them. I think part of it is me accepting this is the way they are and finally deciding I can live with this and still be happy. Tought road getting here tough.
Well Donetta,
Don't take this the wrong way but I think you missed my point. Family isn't a choice. Had I adopted a total stranger and been in this situation, I would fully shoulder it. But for years I was the only one who tried to prevent what happened to them and here I sit.
I'm trying to see this as having been my choice but I just can't. I've said it before, if these children weren't my family, I would not have adopted them.
Hubbins was my choice and I take that responsibility because it was MY choice to be with him. You don't hear me complain about any of the things I go through with him on here. I made that bed and now I lie in it.
It's not just me feeling sorry for myself and what life I could've had. I'm concerned for their lives as well and the lives that they could have had with strangers. Maybe Brenda is right when she said it's learning to accept that they will never change or that it's just the way it is.
But I find that hard too since I can't be 100% certain that they have RAD. I try to be rational but the RAD behaviors didn't start until AFTER the therapist ran down the list of things that children with RAD have TO the children.
When we were seeing a different therapist, our troubles were just that the kids needed help moving forward with their lives, hygiene, and some behaviors they had picked up from other foster kids while they were in respite. Rages, toilet problems, stealing. Not.even.an.issue. Not until the play therapist. I don't think it was a honeymoon either.
I think maybe they could have developed RAD during the termination...but I'll never know because of how it coincided with the therapy switch and how the therapist played them ( Do you ever feel like X,; or do you ever do y?) and before it seems like I am pointing fingers, this is a therapist who questioned me about my childhood only to throw it in my face when I was firing her.
Carol, i wish I had the nerve to send them to camp. lol
I'm afraid of what behaviors they might pick up there from other children, because even though my kids can get...well..out of hand. I still read blogs where kids are worse and I'd hate to have anything escalate from where we are at now.
Do you feel guilty feeling that way about a bio kid? I've talked to Hubbins about it because I sometimes think that if we were to have a bio kid, protecting it might seem like favoring it over the others and make things worse for the bio child.
Im sorry you are feeling like this. You have a whole lot on your plate, and I think you must be very strong. Just know, somehow, someway you are making a difference, even if it doesnt seem like it to you sometimes.
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