So, CDQ has really had it in for me these last several weeks. I finally had enough and flew into her room, gratitude journal in hand and told her to write down what her issues were with me.
To say I was pissed when I read it is an understatement. She was so smug about it too.
List
1. Throw what you give me in your face.
2. Lie cause I think I'll get in trouble (so therefore she's almost always in trouble for lying.-- this in itself is a lie because we have told her over and over again to recognize that she is getting in trouble when she lies.)
3. Steal cause I want to get you mad because you get me mad. (Apparently my breathing pisses her off.)
4. Slam doors cause I think you stole my life (W!T!F!)
5. Talk about you because I get mad because I don't understand why I get in trouble. (huge lie because she knows...you should see the looks that go along with this one when she knows she's caught and still denies it.)
6. Talk back because I get out of control with madness.
7. Cry out of nowhere because I don't get what I want or think I deserve.
8. Be lazy because I don't like it when I think I do too much.
9. Give you looks because you talk about me and I remember it all the time and mostly do it for being picked on all the time and being called ugly and lonely misfit. ( I don't know who she is talking about because I don't waste much of my time talking about her because she gets off on it in a very weird way that frankly scares me, but if ANY one says anything about her or Poufy like at the dinner table, I AM the one who gets the dirty looks even though I may not even have heard or been in the convo where it was said AND just their name needs to be said i.e. the boy might say CDQ doesn't like bread crust, she never eats it. All of a sudden, I am a bitch and everyone hates her. Ugh)
10. Throw stuff around to make it look dirty cause you say we're never going to change, we're trash. (yeah, sure, whatever. Maybe she's onto something there on her own.)
11. I don't control myself cause I think I should be mad because you got me mad.
So after reading this list and wanting to tell this self entitled little shit where to go and how to get there. I calmly presented her once again the very next day with two questions.
1. What was your life? Give Examples
2. How did I steal it specifically? Give Examples.
Ok... if you are drinking something you might want to swallow and put it down because the bullshit that's about to fly might make you spit it out.
Note the manipulation.
1. Like I was getting what I wanted but had been abused along the way and got taken by a woman and got the opposite. By not getting what I want and making you the blame and acting wrong on purpose cause I want to get what I want to make it out of you so when I do get what I want I really want I'll go back to what I was before (meaning no RAD at all). I was this. You give me stuff but just not what I really want. I really dream of having to own and keep inside my heart (I warned you.) of all the people I love.
Sometimes I wish I could leave but I know if I change then probably I'll get what I want but I already know you'll say that having my own cd player or stereo I'll have to get older so I'm upset and acting out cause I want that only besides from me being an actress and a pop star or dancer. But if I don't act out would I get what I want? Would I get a cd player or what I really dream of having, a stereo?
Little does she know that the answer was when she got older and now became she will get one when she buys it her damn self. Really...are you f'in kidding me? This sounds more like blackmail then anything else. Do your RAD kids sound like this? Because she really does sound just like her psycho mother. EXACTLY. Her mom does not have RAD she's just self centered.
But that's not the best of it...
2. By taking me from (previous foster parents). The abuse wasn't bad bad. But you took music and Disney channel and normal life. I had a mirror.
Since I left (parents), you took me away from bouncing around Arizona, California and (city in CA) living in a car. I think you stole my good life to make it yours, so now my life feels ruined and bent up and bumpy and empty like I was the one who did something wrong to get here to get what I love taken away from me since then I feel lonely wondering if I did something wrong (before you start shedding tears or feeling sorry...keep reading) My heart isn't empty it is full of music, camp rock (I watched the movie), my stars I love and family members but that's how I think you took my life.
I clarified with her...whether it was parents (family members?) but no...here's who she is talking about Aly and AJ, Jonas Brothers, Demi Lovato, Taylor Swift, David Archuleta, Vanessa Hudgins, Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, My Chemical Romance, Green Day. (Oh and lest I forget) Diana Louis (and in tiny letters under it Bleeding Love. Seems like a x-mas list doesn't it?)
But she's deprived. First of all I totally regret ever playing radio Disney. I know for a fact their mother never played it for them and we have never had anything but regular rabbit ears tv in the house since they've been here. So I guess the Disney channel came in pretty clear in that car or something. Also, they actually are still allowed to listen to radio Disney if they are behaving and being civil in the van. So deprived, but she can practically list everyone on Disney's payroll.
I think I've decided that we are going to be one of those families who FULLY stays away from licensed stuff. That's how I wanted it to begin with but I didn't think even Disney couldn't be trusted. I've learned since the kids have been here. I broke and did let them see Camp Rock and bought Disney's Sing It for the Wii. I guess for normal kids that would be cool because the other kids aren't obsessed.
As for a mirror... no mirror came in her belongings from the foster family and there's a huge mirror in the bathroom. She doesn't need a personal one and she is 9. She already loves herself waaaaay too much.
If you think I am ignoring the way she claims to feel. You are right. I fell for that bs hard. I used to cry about it. But not anymore because the fact is for most of the stuff she no longer enjoys, she has done something wrong and lost the privilege. (See #'s 1 and 10). She has choices. She can choose to take care of her stuff or not have stuff at all. She can choose to follow rules or have a consequence. The choices are all hers and we remind her of that whenever she starts her crap.
The other thing, I talked to her at dinner and because I feel like it's throwing it in someone's face I blatantly said that was not what I was doing but I wanted her to be aware of the way things really were around here, I asked her if she's ever had the Disney channel? If she's ever had a tv where just she decided what was going to be on it, if she's eaten at a table off of real plates regularly, if she had a bedroom, if she had clean clothes, or even a light up Hannah Montana shirt, or how about those shoes that fit? What about that bed you sleep on and if you don't get to do things, how is it you have seen Camp Rock and you know all these Disney singers (some of them she knows from before...My chemical romance, greenday) , did your mom play that stuff for you, did you guys have a gaming machine, did you have a computer, did you have a toothbrush and tp and did you take showers. Did you have light and water? Yet, we give you nothing and we've taken EVERYTHING, your whole LIFE from you?
Well, then I got silence, and then a weird smile and later that night I got a hug.
But the very next day, as soon as she woke up the lies started and the roller coaster ride began.
Can you believe it? Anybody have anything similar?
5 comments:
At the risk of getting you angry at me...ha!
:)
Although much of this is a RAD thing.
Some of this is perfectly understandable developmental stuff for the age range.
Not to excuse it of course.
The Target for her wound is unfortunately the one she feels the safest with...you.
Sucks, but take courage in this.
She is safe enough with you to unload on you
Think about it. It would have been so cool if you had a safe proxy when you were a kid with all that stuff crammed inside. A way to let it out.
Then yes there is the RAD stuff.
Research Developmental stages 9-12.
Understanding the make up will help to be more action able and less reactionary. She is going to pull up all your own stuff as well.
Adapting some of the knowledge on developmental will help you develop a "it's no wonder" attitude that will help you to react less. The less she can get a rise out of you the less she will benefit from the attack behavior.
You did great with the tools used here. Man I am so impressed by your skills. Your doing it. Just getting through the mix.
When we have our own stuff (wounds) unhealed they can really peg us. Hang in there.
We have your in our hearts and prayers (hubs and I).
Many will react to you out of religious teaching.
Let Love rule. It is in that rule of compassion that I extend this branch.
Your plate is so full.
Out of the blue leaving no room for her to respond.
Walk by her room and just say "I love you"
DO NOT respond if she says "if you...you would"
Do not let her see you react. Intentionally act. What ever you do do it intentionally.
This is the hardest thing to do. It really really makes a huge difference.
Dove is 11 going on 8-9.
I see a few developmental stage things in what you shared that are very normal for her age group. Think hormonal too. She may be budding and the BO begins first.
If so think hormonal.
Uff da. Well, she is SMART. That is for SURE. She has got you totally dialed in. And she is utterly delusional. I agree with Donetta, she is right on. But then you throw in RAD and it is a developmental nightmare. You take the normal stages and then amplify them to the 10th degree.
I try to do cheesy stuff with my kids every night at dinner. Like we will do "cheers" with our glasses to our family, the best one in the world. Or I'll cheer to the best kids in the world. I change it up every night and try to make each night sappy gross sweet. Makes the kids giggle. When I first started doing it, my kids with RAD would freak, shut down, cry, etc. Now they have given in and do it on their own. They even initiate it. Other times, they cry...
She equates this "life" you supposedly stole from her with a bunch of of cheesy teen performers? Holy cats! That's what consumerism and marketing does to kids.
I kind of like the wretched misfit loner thing she's got going. She obviously reads a lot.
Miz Kizzle,
What amazes me is that they picked up all this the short time they were in public school. I don't allow them to watch previews or TV and I pretty much watched all the movies before I let them see them. With the exception of the HSM and Camp Rock movies because then I would have to gouge my eyes out.
She got these fantasies from talking to other kids over a year ago.
I adore reading and support it all the way. Part of their turning 7 years old bday gift is getting their first library card. I didn't see any harm in it. LOL! My bad. She's been reading fiction mainly historic diaries written by a kid's point of view. She loves history and she is nosy as hell so other people's diaries attract her. It all started with The Diary of Anne Frank.
Anyhow, I understand tweens and teens get caught up in all that crap (although it's always weirded me out) but this is different. This is just like her mother. Too extreme and very much believing in a fantasy as real. That scares me.
Hi again.... :-)
We have also been told that being on the "receiving end" of the horrible things DD says and does is because she feels safe at our house. And I accept that for the most part. I also know that she blames us for a lot of things that, if she was a grownup, she would realize that we have no control over.
In our house, of course, I am the big bit*h. The one who says no. The one who makes all the stupid rules. The one who gets mad about her grades. And she figures out what hurts my feelings the most and continually throws it in my face. I just try to remember that she has been through things that I could never have even imagined at her age, and her behavior has driven a lot of people away. So even when I'm at my angriest, and it is very hard, I tell her "I love you very much, but I don't like the way you're acting."
I know they say it doesn't completely apply to RAD kids, but the thing that made the hugest difference in helping me not take things so personally was the "Love and Logic" series of books. Some of the consequences work(ed) for DD....a lot of them didn't apply. But it got me thinking about ways to get her to do what I want without a screaming match...you've definitely got your hands full!!!
Is there any kind of special school in your area? Even in our rural area there was a day treatment center where DD went for 4th and 5th grades, for kids whose behaviors didn't allow them to be in mainstream school....then after she earned so many points, she got to take one class....then two....and she's been fully mainstreamed since the middle of 6th grade. I don't know what I would've done without that school!
Maybe if you weren't homeschooling, you'd feel a little relief, too? (Don't get me wrong, I think homeschooling is generally much better than regular school, but there are limits to what a person can do.....)
Oh--and when DD came to live with us, she told us all these lies about the things she could do, things she had done in her life...and DH would tell me, "I just saw that on TV the other night." DD had constructed this entire "lifetime" based on things that she had seen on TV. She had not had any experiences that were like a childhood, so she took what she saw on TV and made one up. Once in a while she still does that, but we call her on it right away, even if she gets mad.
One last thing. Many of my animals would not be considered "adoptable" because of behavior or health issues. I always told myself that God sent them to me because He knew they needed love, too. And when one of the cats bites my hand and draws blood, I say to myself, "the poor thing, didn't know what he was doing, he was so scared...." It's easy for me to not take that personally. I try to remember that with DD, too. She's doing the best she can with what she's been given. I've proud of the progress she's made. Man!!! I could go on and on tonite!!!
Well, hugs.....
Know that I'm here and care about you and your sweeties (and the not so sweeties too)
Post a Comment