Imposter...

Ok, so I have to admit. I haven't been posting because I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It did, but I'm not going to talk about that right now.

Hubbins and I were so sick over the weekend and the first part of the week. Thankfully it went away.

So, I've been doing a little bit of this...

and a little bit of that...

I call this Hubbins Snuggie. See he can't feel from the shoulders down but he gets cold from the shoulders up and his blankets usually fall in his face and get in his way when he's doing things. So I decided to make this and see how it goes. It looks like a big tube top. LOL He loves it. It stays out of his face and the yarn is so soft, bulky and warm. You can see his eyes are droopy from getting sleepy in it's warmth.

Yesterday was my second cake decorating class but our first actual day of decorating. This is my first cake after getting the book and being unable to contain myself. I played with the tips.

Below is my cake from last night. I had an epiphany last night as I sat there piping away without a care in the world. (Yes, without a care in the world.) Speaking of worlds, I was totally in my own little world. lol I felt like I deserve this. This is good and fun and I deserve it. Driving to the grocery store after. I realized that I might say that I deserve something, even something as small as an ice cream cone, but I don't really believe it. I've never thought it and believed it before. It was such a peaceful happy feeling like I earned it fair and square. After all, it seems that everything I touch turns to poo or something no matter what I do.

Then I started thinking about my kids, is this how they feel? They want something, and they tell themselves they deserve it (and boy do they) but they don't really believe it? If they blame themselves for things that happen is that how they feel? But then again, do they really blame themselves? They are always pointing the finger at each other. BUT, if they didn't blame themselves, why do they "punish" themselves? Lots to sort through.

I haven't finished thinking this thought through but I realized today when I got angry about something (well, let me explain when I get REALLY REALLY angry, I cry and I hate it!) I started slamming my fists down on my legs (no, the children didn't witness it) and in the middle of it, I was thinking "what am I doing?" I realized that I was hitting myself to make myself not cry and to suck it up dammit! But the whole reason I even realized it was because CDQ does it and so does the boy and SS. After that, I also realized that I do things like them. I don't really do it in front of other people, but I have banged my head as hard as I could against the wall, even a brick wall. I still have to process this... but damn....seems like *I* have RAD doesn't it?

At any rate, I am trying to be good to myself. Yesterday, before class, I went and had my hearing checked. I already have some hearing loss, but it's progressed some and I need hearing aids. $2100.00 for both ears. I have a weird form of hearing loss. It's the reverse of what everyone else who has hearing loss typically gets. I can hear women and children's voices- their pitch is fine and I have no problems apparently. But I can't hear men's voices. This amused me to no end. Hubbins is always telling me that he's asked me for something and I'm always telling him "no you didn't". So when the ear guy told me that I couldn't hear men's voice range, I cracked up. He told me that I could tell Hubbins that I'm really not ignoring him and I haven't developed selective hearing. LOL

The other thing that amuses me is, in the past, people have often asked me how I could work in the field I did. It was a typically male dominated field. All those times, I was called a bitch or when it seemed like someone was looking at me expectantly...MAYBE I DIDN'T HEAR THEM. That's why it wasn't so bad. LOL!

Next time, how the state of California may or maynot screw us again...