Mainly following links to the searches people did to come to my blog. At first, I just wanted to throw my laptop across the room because it's so frustrating to read the words of people who have no clue.
Especially those who think it's "all about you". Yes, parents of RAD children will talk about themselves because just how much of what your RAD kid does can you share or better yet, should you share? So, at least for me, I end up talking about me and my feelings a lot on my blog. To the point where I have counted the number of "I"s in a post and even not posted at all.
Parenting RAD children is a huge blow to a person's health. I know there are people out there who are getting on just fine. But those are the people who already know the ropes. I think I can say for the rest of us who had never heard of RAD and were suddenly faced with these children who had problems that even psychologists couldn't diagnose, RAD wears you down and tears you apart.
For myself, I have gained 40 lbs since the kids were placed with me. Not to overeating but actual stress and lack of sleep. I have clumps of hair falling out everyday. Fistfuls. I get severe chest pains, so painful I can't even breathe sometimes. I think I can safely add depression to this list as well. I've even had thoughts of suicide, even though it's something I know I will never do. I have turned my back on God several times and I've just turned into this person that I don't want to be.
Some can say that I am weak but most that know me, know that isn't true. I've dealt with difficult kids. But never anything like this before. I've been through a lot of things that the kids have been through. I thought maybe that's why God had placed them here with me, because I could relate.
I never set out to adopt. This started as helping out a family member. But then, these kids, my kids, they are my family and they had no one else in the world to go to. No one else responsible enough, no one else who made it out. I thought I did all the right things to secure their needs before the adoption. They weren't like this...before.
I am at the point where I have no help. I tried and tried and I've been tossed from one person to the next. I just feel like my kids are spiraling downward and downward and there's nothing left that I can do to help...that is except disruption. Then people will be forced to help them. At least that's what it seems like. No one is listening. People who are supposed to help, have no clue and they keep telling me the wrong things. These things just make things worse.
But tonight, I found more blogs and more people with kids like mine who are doing the things that I am doing and it's working. Slowly but surely, it's working for them and it's the right thing to do. WE ARE NOT ALONE!
Disruption or dissolution isn't a thing that people do when they didn't get what they wanted. I can't believe that's why disruption happens. I think it happens when you feel that you can't help the child(ren) anymore and it's in their best interest. When you feel like you are going to break and you've tried everything and then some. Disruption isn't about lack of love for the child(ren) either. It's about loving them so much you let them go and being able to admit that they need something more than you can give. Of course, it seems like we will never be enough but I'm talking about the things that they need that can't be provided.
I've talked about disrupting because up until days ago, I thought two of my kids were in the category of what they call "failure to thrive". I didn't believe it was all their disorders, I thought it was the placement. I thought it was me. I was screwing them up and causing them to be this way.
My kids hid their RAD for over a year and a half. They started to unravel shortly after their one and only visit with their mother, before that they were happy and adjusting well- no stealing, lying, fighting, meltdowns. None. The boy was the only one with food issues.
There were nightmares and questions, lots of questions we weren't allowed to answer. As for the visit, I don't know what she said or did to them. All I know is that the oldest started telling them to act as bad as they could and they would get to go back with their mom. She told them that because she wanted to be an only child. I also know they were hurt because their mom wouldn't put down her cell phone at the visit. That's all they kept saying to each other about the visit. Maybe it was a revelation to them.....they would never come first. I will never know what triggered all hell to break loose.
At any rate, days ago, I read about other kids and they have the SAME behaviors. I shared something like Poufy and the Ensure drinks and people responded like it was normal. It's a normal thing and other RAD moms even offered up alternative solutions! I watched the girl on 20/20 meltdown and I saw CDQ.
But the only way I know how to get help is to put things out there on this blog. To ask hard questions for a public forum where some people will get their panties in a wad. But if it helps my kids it will be what I have to do. I don't have respite workers or attachment therapists, or anyone. Just my husband and I. Disruption isn't something on our mind so much any more. If this is "normal" than we are ok. We aren't causing more damage to the kids. Which was our main concern.
So for now, we will keep chugging along and see where we end up. I still can't say that this won't be my biggest regret in life... but we will see how it turns out.
6 comments:
Thanks for putting it all out there for us but especially for yourself. One time during a hospitalization I told Dustin's psychiatrist that I felt like a failure every night when I put my head on the pillow. He told me that I would never feel successful with a child like this, that if I felt successful I probably wasn't. I hold onto that everyday.
I too have felt depression and suicidal. I too would never do it, but that thought of , "but it would all be over" enters my mind far too often. I too have turned my back on God as I am angry that I cannot make a difference, I always screw up and that God should've never allowed these things to happen to my child. I always come around, ask for forgiveness and mercy to keep on plugging away. And I too have thought I am ill equipped to take on this challenge, but no one else stepped forward and I made a commitment and disruption will NEVER be an option for us.
So, let's feel inadequate, trampled on, and sorely lacking any kind of coping skills together . . . .that's the only thing that has gotten me through this . . . my blogging community is my lifeline.
For me, I made the commitment to do what was best for the kids and to take care of them. But I feel I would be abusive and selfish to keep them if I couldn't provide for them. Namely, if they had to go into residential treatment to make them better.
I have 4 with RAD. I found a place nearby that thought they could help for $250 a day for 18 months...each. No matter what I do, I could never do that for them. Not even just one.
My husband is a quadriplegic and he is unable to work, I cannot work in my field because I have to take care of him. I can't leave him alone. I make 1/3rd of what I am worth and I work 45 hours every week.
If I could get the help they need, I wouldn't even think of disrupting. But I am so afraid that the day will come when residential is the answer and I won't be able to do it.
I get angry with God because I tell him I will do what he wants, I will give up my life but he has to meet me half way. He just has to help me do what it is he wants from me because I just can't see a way.
The other thing I worry about is what if one day suicide doesn't seem like something I will never do? What if one day it just makes sense?
Until I started blogging (and was concurrently medicated with my, as I fondly call them, "crazy pills"), I was horribly, terribly, incredibly overstressed with Tara's behaviors. Then I discovered a few other blogs out there and stalked for a while, too scared to comment, to be judged, to be dismissed...but I found other parents who had kids who did the same crazy things mine did. It was like I could breathe again.
We are not alone...we are not alone...though it often feels that way. So I continue to blog and read and comment so I don't feel so alone...
i just recently found your blog. i have five kids and none of them are RAD, but we have been talking about adding to our family through adoption. you have some AMAZING strength and i am keeping you in my prayers. as for the suicidal thoughts...i think we all have those at times. can anyone honestly say they haven't had a day or two (or ten) that they thought the same way you expressed? i know i can't. i, too, would never actually do it. i think it goes in the same line of thinking as "what if i would have made a different decision at this major crossroad in my life?". that's just my humble opinion. Good Luck.
I came upon your blog when I was searching for information out there regarding the number/circumstances of adoption disruptions. My husband and I are beginning to consider growing our family again and are curious if we should attempt to parent a child whose adoption was disrupted. Sometimes I think we are crazy, but we can't let all this knowledge/experience go to waste! We are parents of 4: one bio, one half bio (mine, not biologically his) and two adopted RADs). We have had our children with RAD for three years. The leading RAD specialist in our area would not even see my then 4 yo daughter because she was "beyond help". We live daily with children who do their very best to "break up with us before we break up with them". They tear apart everything we give them, either by physically destroying it or urinating/defecating on it. They steal from us, lie to us, try to hurt us as much as their young brains can. They rage. They self injure. That said, they are healing. I believe God gave them to us, and where God gives you a task, He also gives you the tools and support. I lean on Him wholeheartedly. And I feel saddened, depressed, etc. often. There are lots of others out there like you. You can have hope. People not going through it can never understand. That's a blessing for them. Who wants to understand this?? Read Building the bonds of Attachment by Daniel A. Hughes. It will change your world. God Bless. Hang in there. I applaud you for not giving up on these kiddos (giving in to their sickness).
Sidenote: You could consider your state's low income child insurance. In Texas it's Medicaid. You could also contact an adoption support outreach, like in my area it's Lutheran Social Services. They may help you get the residential treatment you need. Isn't there also some place called something like the Ranch for Kids? I know there are options out there to help.
Anonymous-
Thank you for your comment and the book recommendation:-)
I really think with all the experience that you have you should start a blog and share your experiences-- what works, what doesn't.
That is the greatest thing helping us right now. The network of women bloggers who are sharing their experiences.
My kids have medicaid. It wouldn't even pay for their resperdal even though the notes clearly showed the generic was not working and they were regressing.
We actually have a residential attachment center less than an hour away but they want $250 a day per child and the minimum stay is 18 months. Our children are from an ICPC from a different state. When I contacted the state, they claimed what my children are doing is normal. So, there's nothing wrong with them, it's me being rash. Basically.
There are no local services available to us because our children are from out of state. Our state took off before we even finalized the adoption.
The state the kids are from don't seem like they are willing to help once they realize we are not in state. The two states keep passing us off to each other. So we've given up on both. It's actually lessened our stress.
At this point, I'm not sure my children need residential anymore. Something is shifting within them. Of course, I can't be certain it will shift back, but... you never know. :-) I think the tips that other RAD moms have been giving us are working!
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