Still around...

Hopefully by Friday I will get to post.

One of Hubs pressure sores has turned and is infected, it's the big hard to get to one of course. We are trying to keep tabs on it and hopefully it will turn since they started him on antibiotics yesterday. I'm told I can expect to see a change within 48-72 hours if the antibiotics are working.

The other thing is Girl Scouts- cookies should have wrapped up for a little bit but I have a parent who thinks that a Saturday deadline means Monday after 10. Plus, I worked over a month with council to try and get my girls into ice skating classes and someone called me from council and told me something wrong, resulting in me showing up at council on the date that I was told only to be told I was given wrong information. No accountability and no apology. I was livid, so mad I cried in the damn parking lot. I have called the ice skating arena to see how much a similar offering would be outside of Girl Scouts but I just don't know... oh, and I've been checking the website non-stop because my girls are going camping this summer even if it ends up being in my backyard dammit! The website says the listings for camp will be up on January 26th and still nothing... so. pissed.

Which leads me to the first (of many things, I hope) that I will be doing for myself.

Although I love my little girl scouts dearly and they have taught me a ton in these short months... I am not going to be returning as a leader next year. My kids will become Juliettes and be Girl Scouts on their own, but between council not being able to get it together and parents who avoid me like the plague when it comes to dues or deadlines. I am done. I will miss the girls like crazy but well. I have to do this. I don't need anymore stress and instead of this being fun, it is additional stress.

Plus, the second big decision that also helped me make the first decision is that the oldest will not be returning to that school. Tuition went up and I just don't see the value in it. We will be homeschooling her next year and putting the money spent on tuition to better use.

So, like I said, hopefully I will be updating by Friday. With some more of the for me stuff. Thanks for all the support. I feel like a whiny spoiled brat when I lose it. lol

Doing stuff for me...

*Warning- Language*

My life...my life has been spent doing things for others, taking care of others, etc... The only thing I've ever done for myself is my education and that was more of a life or death type of thing for me. I can go to school and have a life or I can just die in this family circle of crap.

So I went to school and it took me 10 years to do it by myself and as soon as I finished and thought life was finally going to happen to me, I got the first push to the ground that is going to keep me there for the majority of my youth and about 2 years later, I got the second push that is going to ensure that I will never be able to live for myself... at least that's how it seems.

Soooo... it's been kind of hard for me to think of things for me to do just for myself. Everybody keeps asking me that and over time, I've grown bitter and resentful because it's been brought to my attention just how much of a life I don't have. By that I mean how my life is spent doing things for everyone else.

I get tired of the fact that I can't do one damned thing without someone asking for something, wanting or needing something or even being criticized for the little things I do end up doing for myself.

For example, I've started to take the Wii Fitness test everyday because as lame as it is, I need exercise. It lasts ONLY 5 minutes and then tells me I'm 3 times my age. I can hear the kids on the intercom... "She's always playing the Wii "(this was on the second day of me doing this, we've had the Wii for over a year) "Why does SHE get to play the Wii?" and its like this for everything. If I am on the computer paying bills or doing Girl Scout stuff than to them I am playing a game. If I am reading a book, (even though it's about RAD or them) I am always reading. If I am watching a tv show, all I do is watch tv.

To say I am sick of their bullshit is an understatement. Children or not. I've gotten to the point where I want to tell them to go fuck themselves. I won't but it inches up my throat and I have to go to my room and even then someone asks me for something "really quick" on the way.

I realized that they can really just kiss my fat ass... after all since they've been here, there is now a space for all of them to fit comfortably side by side and still find their own personal spot to kiss.

Can you sense my anger?

What struck me was a conversation I had with a friend yesterday. She was talking about how she had wanted to finish school and if she does that's ok and if she doesn't well that's ok too. She knows that she was put here to raise her children and she's completely happy with that.

I wonder if this is what I had chosen, or if I had really had a choice in this whole matter if I would've felt the same. If my kids had another decent family member to go to and I made the choice to keep them here. It would have been a choice but because it was either me or the system and I've seen the system it became no choice and then to cement it further, the state pushing us into the adoption...well... yeah. Not much of a choice.

I want to be happy and I want to have a life. I'm more aware of happy people I come across now and I look at them and try to figure out how to get that...happiness. We have good times sure but I don't think any of us are really happy.

I don't feel like I am Sasha any more. I am just a servant here going through the motions. Hubs and I had a conversation because he can't understand why I am so unhappy and angry all the time. He thinks because I have use of my body that I should just be grateful for that. He said he would trade me places. What I tried to explain to him is for him to go back to when he was first shot and to think about the years that came after in the beginning and how he felt every time he learned that he would not be able to do something ever again and it wasn't by his choice.

I asked him, would it be worse to you to be how you are right now, unable to do anything physically because of your condition or worse to be able to physically do the things you want and know that you can but be unable to do them anyway. I didn't really get an answer from him. To me the latter is worse. Plus, he, like the kids, seems to think that the use of my body to do things for them is on demand and not really an option or even a question for me. I know he will argue that he would do things for himself if he could and that is probably true but since he can't ...blah, blah, blah... (In the time I typed that sentence, I've been asked to do things by two different people already, three if you count the cat.) I know I'm coming across as insensitive but I am tired of it all. When Hubs thinks something grand is "letting me" (those are the words...) take a shower...well...

Don't get me wrong, I mean we aren't some couple that belongs on Maury or anything. He doesn't boss me but just saying it in that way that he does irks me. lol

I thought I got away from the family cycle and I've been sucked back in and down. I sometimes wish I would have just been a fuck up like the rest of them because at least I would have made my own choices. It's hard to take the road less traveled. Especially when you can see how free the fuck ups are living without a care or a worry about anyone but themselves.

Now that I've given you the background of how I feel, next time, I am going to write about doing for myself and the things I have planned...and there are real plans! I am excited!!!

The second half

I uploaded this days ago, but since GS cookies are wrapping up, I've been super busy. This is just a little something I put together for Poufy. I will probably end up taking it down in a day or so because it has real names in it. But I decided I am going to try to make one of these for each of the kids so we can see growth over the years.

This birthday was eye opening to me. I mean I always mindlessly comment about things but it never really hit home or made sense. Comments like "they always try to sabotage something fun. Always" or Hubs at the table after Poufy blew out the candles... "How many birthdays have you had?" I shot him a look...then I said 2, she's had 2 birthdays with us, I think that might be it. (Yes, we had a loooong talk after the kids went to bed and I showed him this video that I made.)

I don't really have a picture of Poufy happy with her cake. The Wish was something huge to her, it worried her. I don't know what she wished for. I like the video though. I mean I see all those emotions on her face as she stares at the blown out candles. I thought of relighting them for her, but then I thought it would just reenforce in her mind that she did something wrong, but I like in the video how boy is blowing out candles with her. I think he is the only child who doesn't have birthday issues. He is the youngest though.

In this picture you can see that Poufy is still worried about her wish, but in the background...CDQ is soooo jealous. CDQ is still hard for me to deal with. She can't be happy or proud for anyone but herself. If someone shares a proud moment she has to tell how much better she is. Everyday I have to set her straight about things. She constantly "attacks" SS.

SS has the least amount of self esteem out of all the kids and CDQ attacks her...SS is also the only kid who has trouble learning. The other day she was so proud because she finished her report before CDQ and CDQ told her that "probably you only finished before me because you skipped pages or something." I was angry. Today at dinner she just started asking SS about her hair and what was wrong with it. There was nothing wrong with SS's hair but she told her it was knotted...it has "big knots" and of course her hair doesn't have knots. SS's hair is straight and lays flat in its style. She had no knots and in fact CDQ has the knots because her hair poufs out and isn't straight or curly.

It might not seem like much, but I am tired of hearing her put the other kids down and I'm tired of hearing how great and perfect she thinks she is. I realize that it's probably that she's actually feeling the opposite but it's hard to see through that sometimes because she's so awful about it.

All and all it went well. Unfortunately Poufy is making bad choices and can't seem to snap out of it. I think it has something to do with her and CDQ sharing a room. I don't think the birthday blues have passed for her.

Although CDQ is aware of her birthday coming up and that she acts out when it comes around, she still can't piece together that her acting out has started already with a month to go. I keep trying to tell her but she's in the mode where she's not going to hear me. It's unfortunate.

With that going on with both of them and them being in the same room...well, let's just say it hasn't been fun.

The first half...

Ok, so we weren't off to a good start this morning. I don't know if anyone out there has multiple children with RAD like I do...but hoo boy... CDQ has a touch of narcissm as well...and as soon as she saw any attention turning towards Poufy, she had to take it away.

It has to be all about CDQ good or bad or she's not happy. Somehow, her threatening Poufy ("Go ahead and talk over me and see what happens." ) not being ok when Poufy was trying to tell us CDQ was lying (which we already knew) was because Hubs and I don't like "them", we hate "them". Yeah...I'm still trying to connect those dots. So she had to spiral into a fake meltdown. I don't mind those that much because...well they are fake...so they aren't so bad. They never really end up going anywhere. It's just to switch the focus to her.

So, I tried to nip it in the bud. I tried to appeal to the ODD and told her if that's what it took for her to feel better about herself then it was ok for her to feel and think that right now even though it wasn't true...ok, maybe more passive aggressive than appealing to her ODD, but I will claim ignorance as I am still learning about it. lol

I called Poufy out and explained to her what CDQ was trying to do. Funny side: I heard Poufy on the intercom telling CDQ it didn't matter what she said because "it is MY birthday and YOU are NOT going to take it from ME." go girl! I asked her if she thought she deserved a b-day party. She told me she didn't know... I asked her for reasons why she thought she didn't deserve a birthday party...and to be honest... I should have documented this sooner because I've forgotten. lol I was more interested in why she thought she did deserve a birthday party. She told me that she thought she deserved a birthday party because yesterday and today she did tapping about behaving. I haven't done any tapping like that with them, but I guess she changed making good choices to behaving. I guess, if it works. lol She thought that was the only reason, which was sad to me. So I wrote her up a small list of some of the reasons why she deserved a birthday party.

Anyhow, I waited until CDQ was in the shower to give Poufy her Princess stuff. I didn't want CDQ being a snot and saying something mean because she's jealous. I wanted Poufy to have a moment if it was going to happen at all. Oh yeah, ignore what she's wearing, I was trying to find something that she could wear under the dress and still be comfortable.





So here are some takes from it. Most kids would rip into a gift but not her...you can see she doesn't trust. I thought it was funny that she liked the ballet shoes the most. I think you can also sense my hesitation...damn! I felt like I was ready to sprint off or something, you know like toss it to her and run! lol

I wish I would have recorded her when she ran off. She was on tiptoe holding the dress like the Princesses do. It made me cry. *blush*

I came to my room to tell Hubs what he missed (he's currently still stuck in bed for another hour.) and I heard her on the intercom. I rushed to record it because out of everything she got in that bag, she was reading my note to CDQ and I hope you can hear it because she is absolutely giddy and giggling over the note! I cried again. *burning blush*

I threw them all outside and I put a few streamers up in the kitchen. Nothing fancy, I decorated her chair with streamers too. Right now the house smells like a really good French Vanilla cake... I have to wrap her birthday gift still, but I think it's going to be ok.

So I caved a little...AKA preparing for a RAD b-day

Well, Poufy had her meltdown. It only lasted about an hour. There was to be no tapping, rubbing, karate chops, etc... just full on meltdown. I tried to appeal to her ODD but even that wasn't working entirely.

But you know what? I totally expected it. I was prepared.

As I thought about just cancelling the whole cake and presents and just letting the day go by as any other. CDQ asked if she could have a party (her b-day is feb. 29th) and invite some girl scout friends. I winced. I told her I didn't know because when birthdays came around they acted out and it was hard to tell.

This is what she said that broke my heart. "I know. I've been trying not to think about it so I won't mess it up."

Me: "Maybe you should think about why you feel like messing it up and try to change that."

CDQ: " I have. I just get really nervous and I don't know why."

Me: "Maybe you can practice rubbing and say something like: I am a good kid, I deserve a birthday party and my parents want me to be happy."

I know I probably could have come up with something better but I wasn't expecting this exchange and I figured I was still covering bases if one, she thinks that she's bad and two, thinks because of that she doesn't deserve it or three thinks that we don't want her to be happy or have a birthday party. And if I remember it's three things. lol

I told her I would have to see how things are going before I can make that decision. I was thinking that if I did allow her to have friends, we would have the party at a pizza place or something. Either it will work for distractions or it will be really embarrassing...

But anyway, back to Poufy, I got to thinking...what if Poufy felt this way too. What if she felt like she had to sabotage her b-day but secretly didn't want to? Is that what our kids feel or do they truly feel better if it's just another day?

The other part is totally selfish. I used to be the cool Aunt they really didn't see much of, almost like a Grandma. I always gave them what they wanted for their birthday or some other expensive present. I used to do that for family members always. The only thing is, I never realized that the kids never got to play with the things I gave them. Their mother never gave them the stuff.

For instance, the last thing I had bought all of them was Christmas. Each girl got a different Disney Princess Baby Doll and the boy got this bubble noisy lawnmower thingy (he was newly 4). I did see the boy play with the lawnmower. But the girls just looked at their dolls in the boxes. Turns out after I left, those boxes were put into a storage she never paid for and lost. They never even opened them! The only reason the boy got to play with his lawnmower was because she didn't want to hear him cry.

Buying presents for them is something I enjoy. I love going up and down the toy aisle and wondering what kind of reaction they would have if they had this or that... of course, I don't do that anymore. Maybe sometimes for some imaginary kids... but last night when I went to Target, I couldn't help but go up and down the toy aisles even though I already bought their birthday gifts.

I came across a Disney Princess Dress on clearance and I thought "Wow! This would go great with that Tiara and ballet slippers from the dollar bin... and so I made a selfish decision....

I bought them, plus the cute little felt purse I also found in the dollar bin. I rationalized...it's under $10 if she melts down and destroys it, it's not a big deal...but... if she loves it...than it's priceless right?
I folded it all up and packed it into the purse. I plan to give it to her tomorrow morning instead of her clothes for the day. I am trying to figure out whether I should try to sneak a picture or video of her when I give it to her. But I don't know which way it will go.

I also decided to pop into the dollar store and buy a couple of things. Some plates, napkins and streamers and some goody bags with princess related things in it. Not too much. I got the boy a pack of cars and a table football game thing for his "Princess" bag, lol Very minimal...no?

I'm nervous. That's why I am still up at 5 am. Maybe I should have her do some rubbing and tapping just to start the day? I was wishing I had a mini-tramp today but I decided I'm not going to introduce that until next month. I don't want to overload them.

Quiet

You know that quiet that you get when you can hear like a slight buzz or hum or just a tone in your ear? (could just be me, my hearing loss has gotten worse.)

That's what I have right now.

I should be happy...but I'm scared. I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall and I'm beating myself up about it because Dammit! Why can't I just enjoy it?

Literally... I am so afraid that Hubs health is going to turn or something will happen with the kids. I can't sleep well. I'm restless. It's making me grumpy and grouchy for what I feel is absolutely no reason.

Yesterday was perfect. Poufy has been acting out but it's to be expected. Her B-day is tomorrow. Since her and CDQ share a room, they've been at it together. But not even remotely like what it used to be. They are able to pull it together within the minute I remind them that they are headed off track.

I feel like running away and it's not even rational. I don't know how to stop it either. I've been angry at myself and telling myself to get a flippin grip already.

I. am. so. weird.

Yesterday I was trying to shake the mood. Thursday I crashed hard. I don't know if it was stress or exhaustion or both but I was just out and I felt awful. Hubs made dinner and got the kids to bed. I slept from 4ish until just before 8pm. The whole time I dreamt of the CSI commercial- Grissom's Goodbye. Just the commercial--A HISTORIC TELEVISION EVENT! LOL! I think it was my subconscious telling me to get my @$$ up before I missed it. I had been trying to make sure that I remembered it. *rolling eyes*

Since the kids started acting up, I've been obsessed with CSI shows, Law and Order- CI and SVU, Without a Trace, Cold Case. I wouldn't even watch any of those shows and now I make sure to catch the replays on Netflix and have even gone so far as to go back to the beginning of each shows season 1 and watch them all up to the current show.

Back to yesterday, I woke up feeling bad that I left everyone hanging so after I dropped the oldest off at school I decided I was going to make a big family dinner. I mean we eat together in the kitchen, at the table no tv... so it wasn't like that was a big deal. But I went out and bought a ham, stuff to make potato salad, and got to making the Pioneer Woman's dinner rolls. It took alll day! Seriously, I started at 8:30am and it was all done at 7:30 pm. Let me just say--PW's dinner rolls...MMMMMmmmmmmmmmm... I still have some dough left and I am totally going to make them today. They are so easy AND her pictures matched up with what I had EXACTLY. Don'tcha hate it when you follow a recipe and yours doesn't look a thing like what they are making and they don't even tell you how to fix it or why? Hmm...that's just me...oooookay...moving on...

Everyone loved dinner. It seemed to be more like a comfort food dinner. People were relaxed around the table. We played "I Spy". The kids were full and warm I guess because they hopped off, brushed their teeth and went straight to bed with out the usual peep! I am totally getting goosebumps typing that. My arm hairs are standing up...did I mention I am so.weird. ? My stomach just turned and I had to run off...T.M.I... for me it's more like W.T.F? I don't know what's going on with me. At first I thought I was sick, then I thought maybe my body is just finally reacting to the past 30 or so months of hell. Finally, I just don't know.

Anyway...on to Poufy's b-day party. I was going to do this big Princess party for her but as soon as I asked her opinion on it, she got excited and then started acting out. I figure it's because she thinks she doesn't deserve it. I thought about just doing it anyway... but then I thought maybe I should just progressively increase the birthday festivities each year with out letting them know. Maybe it won't be as noticable if I do it that way? You know maybe some streamers and a tablecloth next year, a blow up castle announcing it's a b-day the following year...maybe by the time she's 10 we will have some guests and a real party? I know I'll have to take it slow.

I did a full on birthday party the first year they were here for the boy (first kid with a b-day after placement). We had guests, games, a blow up Spidy they took pics with, etc... I'm still paying for that...he regressed further and continues to act even younger than he did when he first came at times. Seems to me, he thought/thinks acting like a baby (baby talk, silliness to make people laugh, hurting himself to make them laugh, etc...) is what made him deserving of that. Not just the fact that he's here and a great kid.

So, now it's been toned down. I will bake her a cake (she showed some signs of stress at the idea of a store bought cake and choosing one, which is weird because that's the way we've done it.) and I'm not going to do all that Princess stuff. I'm a little worried because I don't know if I will make her feel more at ease by not doing all that or if I will just reaffirm her belief that she doesn't deserve it. ARGH!

I guess we will see....

And now for something fun...

Here's the link in case it doesn't work.