Bio Mom vs. Adoptive Mom

My last post got me thinking and made me wonder... I've read many blogs where bio moms call their kids "lil a-holes" or some such name like that or threaten their kids in jest and it's the foundation of their blog: snarky- sarcasm...but I've never read an adoption blog where an adoptive mother does that.

I wanted to share our laughs with you, but towards the end of writing the last post I started worrying about whether I should be sharing that or not. Do bio moms do that? Do they worry about posting stuff like that? Or are they more secure in the fact that their children are indeed THEIR children for good? Because it doesn't seem like they worry about it. It seems like they are pretty carefree.

I'll admit, it was a confusing scenario for me because as SS's mother I felt like I should have been tough on her, but as her Aunt--well it was an Aunt like thing to tease her about it. As her Aunt, it was for me to leave it to her mother to correct... this is another one of my dilemmas, my personal issue since I am now one and the same.

I always worry someone is going to try to say I am unfit and take my kids away. I know I am not an unfit parent, but the fact that they've threatened me in the past for trying to get my kids the correct kind of therapeutic help has been something that I just can't shake. I know any kind of allegation would be unfounded but the thought that they can remove my kids even temporarily and what it would do to them is too much for me to process.

Am I just wandering in PTSD land or is there any validity to these feelings? How do you guys feel about it?

In the meantime, I will leave you with this joke between me and Poufy. Recently, Poufy has had some set backs in the lying and stealing department. When she does that and I ask her why she's done it she gives me this look that's sort of like a deer caught in the headlights look...similar to this picture here:

This is not the look but close enough. lol

I realize that she's afraid and that it's her PTSD, so I was trying to lighten things up. 

Now, I knew she reminded me of someone, but up until two days ago, I couldn't quite put my finger on it and then...yes, yes, yes...this is it!  You see the resemblance?

I called her in and at first she was nervous but when I showed her this picture her shoulders relaxed and she covered her mouth and laughed and laughed.  I told her, this is what I see on the other side, so now you know where I am coming from when I start to giggle...because God knows sometimes I just start laughing so hard and I feel bad about it because I know she's scared...but...I'm hoping next time around all I'll have to say is "BARF!" and it will break the tension and change the pattern...

Moving Forward and so proud...

So, things are looking up in the health department. I have my days but they are NOTHING like what they used to be. Every morning I find my arms, hands, fingers less stiff. In fact, I think the only stiffness I have now is in my middle knuckles in my fingers and I am able to make that go away by running warm water on my hands and usually within an hour from waking. Not too bad.

I am worried I might have over did it today, but what a great day it was.

In our effort to move on, I've decided the girls need some bonding time and a space to call their own. Before my mom moved in, the boy had his own room, the oldest and CDQ shared a room and Poufy and SS shared a room. When my mom moved in, I moved the boy in with Poufy and SS because I knew he would be safe in there. Little did I know I should have moved all but CDQ into that room since CDQ had a plan to strangle the oldest in her sleep!

After CDQ moved out I moved SS in with the oldest so that they could bond as the older sisters, but then that left Poufy with her bratty brother. So then I got this brilliant idea that I should just move all the girls in together and set it up all girly with their input. This is a pretty big room, vaulted ceilings, walk in closet, not sure that I am going to let them use the closet though...too much temptation. Anyhow, they've picked a color and we started in earnest researching colors and beds, bedding, etc...

I bought another steam cleaner and we set to work scrubbing up reluctant pee stains on the carpet and filling in all the dry wall damage with spackling. It was interesting to talk about the damage and the things they had done in their RAD rages as we worked. They were a little sad and embarrassed and couldn't believe they actually did those things. They still don't know why. But I tried to focus as much as I could on how well they are doing now and how they will never go back there again and how great their room is going to be and how they are going to keep it all purrteee. Yes, even the boy was helping on this and they will help when we redo his room.

This is about 1/4th of the room, the part you don't see is where their petal cottage is in the middle with toys and their bunk beds are at the end of the room. 

Here are the cute paw prints with some patching. 

This particular room was hand-painted in the Blue's Clues design when we bought this house. I was a little uneasy painting over the little paws and stuff because I felt bad since someone had taken the time to painstakingly paint them across the entire room but it didn't last very long.







Then I started wondering why in the world they would paint so much, the trim is SO dark and so are the two doors they painted purplish pink.

Yep, they even painted the doors. 

The kids were pretty quick workers and had the first coat on in no time. Of course, right now they are all gung ho about it because they've never painted before.

 

Lots of primer...lots of primer. Since I only had two rollers, the oldest and SS helped today. I showed SS how to remove baseboards and the oldest how to tape down painter's plastic.


Tomorrow, I will buy a couple of more rollers and we will officially get this party started. lol!

I'll update our progress and we will see how much the girl's will be willing to help when the tables are turned and we start to work on the boys room.


But until then, I can't leave without documenting this spectacular moment between SS and myself. You see, after they applied the first coat they came outside with everyone else to watch the fireworks and afterwards, I came in to see their great job and saw that the naps were still on and hadn't dried. I had told SS she needed to wash them but before I could explain how Poufy and the boy were bombarding me with questions about where they were going to sleep, etc...

So picture this:

SS: *carrying the nap and it dripping the whole way from the bathroom to her bedroom and then holding it over the painters plastic and turning it so all the water that collected inside the nap could pour out*

Me: SS!! It's leaking everywhere. Don't just stand there with it!

SS: * looks me in the face* "SHIT! "

Me: Um, what did you say?

SS: Nothing, nothing, nothing. *tucking her face close to her chest and giggling and turning red.*

Me: Really? Because it was sure crystal clear to me you said "shit", I mean you looked right at me. *Me giggling while I say it*

SS: *still giggling*

Me: "Hey I got one, if you say that word again I will beat the shit out of you."  *More giggling and then she dashes back to the bathroom with the roller*

Don't worry, it was a joke. May be inappropriate but she is 12 and MY mom probably WOULD have beat me if I ever said anything like that back in the day.  I don't beat/spank/hit my kids, there was no real threat to it at all. They know that and I would NEVER do it if I knew that they didn't know that or would take me seriously. The rest of my kids were rolling on the floor. The reality is they have been cussing since they were toddlers, they've actually been cussing longer than I have! It doesn't excuse it, but I want them to at least control it, you know?

But, really the look on her face when she realized who she *clearly* said it to was like "oh, double shit!" Priceless- wish I would have had the camera then.

I could tell you what happened earlier too. I asked SS if she could bring me something and as she got up from the floor, she farted... which sent the oldest into hysterics--something about a tension fart, I'm not really sure... So later when it was just SS and I in the room, she told me that the oldest had told her the color they had picked for the room was relaxing. I told her if she relaxed anymore she would probably crap her pants. hehehe...

It's one of the perks of being a parent and getting to joke with your kids as they get older. Or even joke with your RAD kids at all. I remember when they perceived everything as picking on them. I am so grateful that has passed. We laugh more now and that is what is important.

Why is it so hard?

I've been asking myself this question over and over again...

Specifically, why is it so hard to let go?

I got a call yesterday asking to increase CDQs meds. After a brief struggle, I went ahead and asked how she was doing. They said she was doing great. Really? Cuz like didn't you just ask to increase her meds like 30 seconds ago?

I know they judge me and most of them never tell me the truth about CDQ. They think they are helping her. Naive jackasses. Just wait 'til she comes full circle and starts pointing her finger at you, then let's see where you stand. Pfft.

I know I need to let go. My mind needs to let go and my heart needs to let go and I need to give it all to God. I know this.

I know this soooo well.   I know I can't stop her from f'ing up her life just like her mother. Her sister's dead because I couldn't stop her mother.  CDQ wants to hurt and she wants to be the victim, just like her mother.  Her sister's death happened to CDQ, and not her sister...just like everything happens to my sister.

I know these things happen to other people but CDQ uses it for attention seeking. Just like my sister does. People eventually figure out the truth. It's sad.

It's unfortunate to say the least, but it is what it is.

Damn.

Why is it so hard to laugh?

Is it because of the two empty spaces we now have?  There are good things I can be posting left and right on here but I don't.

I guess part of it is the Internetz frown upon it, after all THE day I posted about how great my kids were doing, it came crashing down. We are on an upswing right now, but U-G-H!

Or is it because I feel like I have to hold everything else more tightly now? I have to keep everyone safe.

Or is it guilt? If it's guilt, it's so irrational. Why shouldn't we be happy too?

It makes me seriously question things. My kids sabotage because of fear and feelings of inadequacy and being undeserving. Am I now in step with them and modeling the very thing I am trying to eliminate?

Rheumatoid Arthritis Remission Part 2

I decided to write another post about RA remission because my previous one was so popular and I have more to say about it.

To recap for those passing by my blog, I've been diagnosed with RA and fibromyalgia.
Rheumatoid Factor: 200
ANA Positive
ANA >=1:640
ANA Pattern: Speckled


I can't remember what my ESR was but it was bad too. 


Anyhow, I've been going to acupuncture for just shy of a year and I've been going everyday (M-F) for about 3 and half months. 


I'm not taking any drugs or even any of the pills I had posted in my other remission post just basic vitamins and an herb called Jia Wei Xiao Yao Wan.


I've made the choice that I will never take any of the meds for these diseases. I don't judge anyone else on their choices because it is a personal choice (AKA none of my business. lol). 


With that said, I am doing awesome. I know some people have tried acupuncture and herbs and it didn't work. A lot of the people I have read about who have tried it say that they've had the needles put into their pain sites or other weird things. 


I can tell you that I had pain relief the very first day I met my acupuncturist and he only did acupressure that time. I have had successful treatments every single time I go. He has peeled back all the layers (symptoms) and clears them. Most of that is documented here on this blog.  I can wake up with a frozen shoulder because I got too cold over night with the a/c on and go see him and move my shoulder without pain within minutes of him putting in the needles. 


He says there is no reason why pain relief shouldn't be immediate. He says that everyone should feel some form of relief from the very first visit. 


I asked him about his method and I told him what I had read about putting needles in pain sites. His method is different. If I have swelling on my left pointer finger the needles go on my right 2nd toe. If I have pain on my right side the needles go on the opposite side.  I can complain about soreness in my shoulder and he will touch a spot on my opposite leg and I will discover that there is an incredible tender area I didn't even know...the needle(s) will go in/around the tender spot and he will ask me to move my shoulder and if I still have pain, he tweaks it until I don't have pain anymore. He says there are (I think) only two other people in the US who do it the way he does. 


There's a lady who I have yet to meet, but she posted a google review and on his Facebook page. She gave him 5 stars and said she had been on RA meds for 6 years and now she's not taking a single med and she is totally symptom free. 


I'm not there yet but I don't even know where to begin to tell you. If I get stressed or over do it, there are consequences but I bounce back quickly, I wasn't bouncing back at all before. if I forget to take my herbs I feel it and since I started taking my herbs I've found that I have no need for ibuprofen. However, I forgot to take my herbs all day a couple of days ago and I started to feel it.  My mornings aren't as stiff or sore. Most of that stuff goes away fairly quickly and I run my hands under warm/hot water in the morning to help loosen them up but for the most part it's just my left hand that is weak and slightly stiff.  I also noticed that I have color back in my cheeks and face. I used to be this dull shade of gray and there's also light back in my eyes. I do still have weakness which drives me crazy, especially in my left hand and arm. My swelling in my hands has gone down. I do have two fingers that are a little disfigured but no pain. 


I should also mention that I did see a chiropractor three times. That was important too because the first two sessions were incredibly helpful. I had a lot of popping things back in. Oh and I can't tell you how much it hurt but felt so good to have my wrists and fingers put back. The third one didn't yield as many results as the first two but it did relieve the RA part of my pain. At that time my neck needed to be realigned because it was causing me wrist pain. As soon as he cracked my neck and adjusted it back the wrist pain went away. To me, the combination of the two was essential. 


I wanted to get this out there, my experience.  This last week has been a sad week in the RA world.  With the sudden loss of RA SuperBitch and two suicides, the pain hits so much closer to home.  If I hadn't met my doctor, I truly don't believe I would be here writing this post right now. There's a thin line and it's so easy to contemplate ending it all when the pain is so f*ing unbearable and you just want to breathe again. 


If you have any questions, or want my doctor's info or just want to connect with someone who knows what it's like feel free to e-mail me. 

Still blogging...

It seems like ages since I've been here.

Hubbins upgraded our internet and the company did a bang up job of getting us crossed over to the faster speed but totally forgot to send us the new modem for it so we've been without internet.  I have internet on my cell phone but I can't imagine blogging from there.

Also today, the oldest helped me move my computer closer to me so I could actually use it.

I met with CDQ's new counselor who told me he had called me in because they are at a standstill with CDQ and basically can't help her anymore. He wanted me to sign her transfer to a treatment foster home. Like that's going to make a difference, we were a treatment foster home.  This on the heels of a local news report where a 15 and 16 year old beat a treatment foster care mother to death because she would not let them take her minivan. They killed her and took it anyway.

He told me that she says if she comes back home she's "just going to rip the place apart." Oh and she wants a baby.  He said the only reason she wants contact with her siblings is so she can keep control over them. He told me I had to make a decision and I think he was blown away by the decision I made.

He told me I can't save the world. He told me CDQ is always going to be unhappy even if she had everything she ever wanted. He told me I am not responsible for her actions and that I should not feel guilty. He told me I should  live again, I should take care of my health because I have a family who depends on me and I have a whole life ahead of me. He told me I should have bio children if I want (CDQ has threatened to harm any biological children I might have). Basically, he said my success rate with RAD children is better then the center's and there's nothing to be done. He told me to let the system deal with it.  He thinks she will do well in the foster home because no one will try to bond with her.

After many buts, ands, ifs, etc...  on my part, I realized this is the end of the road. I don't want CDQ to grow up in the system. But the writing is on the wall. She can't come back either. So I asked for a dissolution.  I requested she be put back up for adoption. He didn't know the process and told me he would get back to me on it.  I think I need to hire a lawyer.

This is it, I don't expect anyone to understand but I know some of you will. But this IS something I can do for her. If we are not the right family, I won't be selfish and force her to live in the system. Maybe she will be adopted and maybe it will be a wonderful family like some of my readers and she'll flourish and grow and won't throw her life away. Maybe with someone else she can turn it around. I have to at least give her that chance, you know?

I sometimes feel like I am going crazy because even though this child has abused me and has the power to make me physically ill, I still feel like I'm losing a child. If it seems like I am talking a lot about myself, I am the only person I can speak for. I can tell you what the others have said: they all wrote notes that they never want to see her again. It seemed so easy for them and so definite. I know she's hurt them too, probably way more then she's hurt me since she's attempted to kill a couple of them. But I feel so selfish and foolish when I start to think that I can still change things. The kids have spoken and I would be putting them in danger again.

Things are so different here. The kids are relaxed and thriving. My doctor and his wife came over for Hubbins birthday last weekend and this whole week they have been telling me how impressed they were by my children.  They couldn't believe they didn't argue and had no problems taking turns on the Wii and that they were so helpful in preparation and cooking.

The boy has been having some trouble, it's faded now, but I think he's remembered some stuff. I anticipate in a week or two he will have some new revelations about his trauma or it could just be backlash from the celebrations last weekend and Father's day this weekend...but let me tell you the extent of how well our house is doing ( and internet please don't jinx me. lol)

There was a disagreement this morning.  Get this... the disagreement was over WHO was going to do a chore.  They weren't fighting that it wasn't their turn or anything like that. They both wanted to do it. How many people would die for their kids to have that disagreement? Here's the real shocker. The chore wasn't a regular chore but it was a poo accident the dog had. Yep two of my kids were arguing over who was going to pick up dog poo.  I am so blessed. lol

It was hard to lecture them about it but I had to nip it in the bud before it spread to other things...one child had grabbed another child from the shirt and that wasn't ok. But my kids can do things together now and I don't have to constantly be hovering over them. It's safe.

They are moving on and I am so proud of them. 

Just Breathe

It's no secret that I'd finally found a supportive therapist who knew CDQ's behaviors better than I did.  He has worked with RAD children and he had a case very similar to CDQ's not too long ago.  This therapist REALLY got it. And when he told me to take care of me, he really meant it. No guilt trips, no judgement.

So it was quite a punch in the gut when I answered the phone and was told he had left the treatment center some time last week and that this guy would be taking over. This guy (new therapist) is the teacher for the RAD class I tried to take but dropped out of when I decided that he and the other therapist were right and I did need to take care of myself.

I was lucky enough to be standing near my recliner because my knees failed me and I dropped into it. I kept hearing my mind telling me "Stress is your biggest enemy." over and over again. But I literally felt devastated like my world had just crumbled under me.

I must've remained in shock because I called my mom to make sure she wasn't using my car this Thursday so I could make the meeting. I told her what had happened. I still hadn't lost it.

Being the gossip that my mother is, she came home and came directly to the kids room where I was steam cleaning their carpet.  She just jumped right into it.

I hadn't told the kids yet.

She was more than eager to fill them in. I have to admit I was pissed watching her get her jollies being a damn gossip. I could see the oldest and the two youngest weren't taking it well either. I think that's what broke me. I tried not to cry but my face just crumbled.

My mom asked me what was wrong and I told her.

"He was the only person in the world who really understood."

Because let's face it. You guys are all out there and yes we have an understanding but I think it might be different when you meet another person face to face who is truly in your corner and who is fighting the same war right beside you.

Really someone who supported me and could actually do something about it.

I'm crying now as I type this because it feels like I'm mourning.  I lost someone who was so important. Someone who helped me keep my sanity and helped ME feel safe.

I wasn't told the circumstances of his leaving.  But I know CDQ had made accusations towards him and he had expressed that he was glad he never shut his door anymore to dispel any accusations his patients might make.  I truly hope CDQ didn't have anything to do with this. Signs would point to no because he's been in the field almost as long as I've been alive.

But this child is that sick. Anything is possible with this child.

My world is spinning and I can't seem to find how to stop it. 

Still hanging in here

and adjusting...

My kids at home are doing awesome...CDQ- no change.

Just yesterday, I came to terms that I just can't do it all anymore when it comes to making the house run smoothly. I feel so guilty. I knew in the long run I wanted my kids to be self-sufficient and my youngest is going to be 10 this year so they aren't little but I wanted to be able to give them a real mom and a little more early childhood for a little longer. If that makes sense?

I hate standing around telling them what to do and how to do it because I feel lazy and guilty even though I know I can't do it all and it's nothing like their bio mom who didn't want to do it.  Yet, yesterday when I was teaching my kids how to do their laundry I realized that maybe I have babied them too much. Sure right now they are eager to learn but more importantly they are very capable of learning and doing these tasks. They have moved from that place where they were afraid to say or do anything. (Don't get me wrong, they still have some days like that but now they are showing signs of confidence.)

I'm afraid I'm the one who hasn't focused on their accomplishments.  I do reflect on the past and see how far and how hard they've worked to get where they are but there's still that part of me that wants to protect them as if they were still the children who needed to be taught how to sit at the table or how to do simple age appropriate every day things.

So I'm going to work on taking things for what they are and still marvel over the "little" things my kids accomplish but not limit them to what I believe their capabilities are. Instead of feeling guilt, I'm going to focus on how self-sufficient my kids will be, how smart they are and how much more they will know.
I will focus on the fact that in delegating I am actually able to spend more time with each child individually.
I will focus on the fact that my children have healed and love me enough to care and help make things easier for me. How many parents of non-RAD kids could even say that?

I am a very lucky (and grateful) person. :-)