The Photo Shoot

Every year I take a Christmas picture of Scrawn. It's a task and she always gives up because she knows Mom's not going to stop until she gets her picture. Period.

Here's some outtakes from this year, finishing with her FINAL picture. Enjoy!

At first she put her paw down. She wasn't going to take this anymore...no siree bob. Not gonna do it!
This is her look of disgust because exactly how many times can Mom take pics of her looking like Margaret Cho? Ya know?
Then she decided to investigate because maybe Mom's camera wasn't working properly seeing how she started opening her eyes and Mom still kept saying "Nope! That's not it."

Here she is licking her lips after a little bribery was committed.

This is her demanding a little more bribery payment...for the third time.

Finally!

MEOWY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Merry Christmas~!

Sorry so late. I suck. I still haven't got the hang of this Christmas drill with 5 kids and this year we added 2 more, plus 2 adults. I got 40 minutes of sleep from Friday until yesterday after 7 PM. Maybe next year? I hear the 3rd time is a charm...or something like that. lol

Argh! I thought I was ready but then I guess if I would have had that extra week I thought I was going to have, meaning I thought I still had a weekend and a week when I really only had a week to get things done and I got sick for three of those days. I would have been good. lol December sure came and went pretty quickly!

All in all, everything went great and I have a ton of pictures to post. We had a wonderful Christmas. How was yours?

Sasha and The Terrible, Horrible, Awful No Good Day

I've been sick. I woke up Sunday morning and it sucked. The suckage has only multiplied. I've tried to make the best of it, but well. Did I mention, it sucks?



Today was my baking day but it was also the day for the social worker to visit and for me to finish the aprons because "Oh ship! I thought I had another weekend and week of school!" In the midst of baking all kinds o'crap, I realized a.) I don't like to make things for other people when I am sick, it's kinda gross. I mean, I didn't sneeze in anything or anything like that... but, I dunno, maybe it's just me. b.) "Ship! I already forgot what B was."



Forgetting...that's been happening a lot. I'd like to attribute it to the fact that I couldn't breathe until about 5 am and the alarm went off at 5:30 am. But... it's not just that.



Oh, and have I ever mentioned I've been turning yellow? Because, I have. My skin that is, it's turning yellow. After reading this over at Y's weeks ago, I realized she was also speaking for myself for the past...oh, 13 years.



I googled thyroid and low and behold! It's me...the clincher? Yellow skin and the fact that I've been wanting CHUNKS of Sea Salt. I know it's a very weird craving. Hubs was worried because I was actually pondering whether ice cream salts were edible and I've been trying to break into the sea salt grinder for months.



When he read Y's post, he agreed right off it sounded like me. Spot on. The weird thing about the salt is that it actually makes me feel better. I worry that it's bad for me because somewhere I was told it was bad for me or that salt was bad in general. I don't know what to do because now I am screwed.



No medical insurance. Maybe I should get on a boat to Cuba? Because this has been escalating for over a decade and I used to have the "Cadillac Plan" of health insurance. I've had many diagnoses: Retardation



Doc: "Your face is too round! You're retarded!",



Brain Tumors



Doc: "Your face is too round! You have a brain tumor!";



Too much activity



"You've overloaded yourself, you just need to relax, have fun, PARTY!"



When I started to have heavier menstrual problems and sought the advice of a female parts doctor her diagnosis was



"You're fine, you're just fat (this at 112 lbs)...by the way, your breasts are huge, do you play with them?"



Me: "Uh, no. "

Her: "Well you should."



I thought I had finally found answers when a doctor told me I was anemic. It seemed to fit the bill. Except taking iron really didn't make me feel any better. It made some things worse.



More often lately, I've been telling Hubs that something is wrong with me. Maybe I'm just stupid, but my cat, Scrawnie, my fiercely independent cat that would rather die than be seen with me these last few years (Since she was 4 almost 5 it's just not cool for her to hang around Mom anymore.), has been hanging out close enough to keep an eye on me. She's at the foot of the sofa, sleeping so close to it, she thinks I can't see her. I catch her staring at me sometimes, this might sound weird to some people, but to me, she looks concerned. People with pets will know what I mean.



All this health stuff has had me on the edge. Today, I lost it. I seem to be losing the ability to grip things as well, and yesterday I went in the store to buy bread crumbs only to buy most everything I forgot last time in the store and no bread crumbs. I found just enough in the pantry to make my chicken, only to drop the whole can of bread crumbs on the floor. That was my breaking point.



I'm still having trouble with some of the kids. I'm starting to think it may be that some are Bipolar. It runs on my sister's side of the family so it's in their genes and now from my reading I see that the exact environment that they were in can trigger it as well.



I just keep thinking something has got to give.

Mom?

Although I have plenty to say about my own Mom, this post isn't actually about her.

It dawned on me about 3 weeks ago that even though I will never be "mom" to these kids, I will be the "mom" they remember. I've been thinking of it as "Oh, I have to make this holiday or that event special so they will remember" but I never thought of the fact that I will be their mother figure.

When they think back about life and the memories they have, they will think of the traditions we have created...sure. But as Hubs and I reflect over traditions, no matter how good or bad our mothers were/are, we still refer back to the things that they have taught us and their mannerisms and their quirks and special talents.

I started to wonder if I was just full of myself or if, even though I am only an Aunt, these kids will remember me like Hubs and I remember our mothers.

Today (we were supposed to go to a Christmas party but we got snowed in sort of ), we ended up having the therapist drop in and then spent the good part of the afternoon sorting through clothes. Just seeing what fit and what needed to be passed on to other children. I had the girls doing the toe touch test to see if dresses were too short.

My 6 year old was bending over in a cute little Dora dress that I know she adores when I told her "nope! too short!" She grunted, stood up and twirled towards me and just threw her arms around me. She said "You are a very good Mom." and then she ran off.

Even now, as I type this, it's hard to choke back the tears.

Sometimes I wonder "why?" I've felt stupid cutting their sandwiches into dinosaur shapes or sending them notes written on their snacks. I even wonder why I'm killing myself with laundry until 4 am. They never seem to notice or care.

But I guess they do. In some weird way, that makes all the difference.

Happy Birthday Karlton!

I didn't forget your birthday was yesterday either. I just couldn't. It's been a hard bittersweet week.

Do you know you would be a moldy oldie now!?!?! I was talking to Hubs and we were figuring it out. lol

It seems like a lifetime ago but I guess it's been 8 years? ( don't hold me to it my math is awful, well you know.)

I still miss you like crazy. I still cry when I think of you. I'm still having a hard time. I can still see you sitting in that skeleton of a car, holding up your black planner telling me that we had our meeting and that you were going to put it on the books. It was so weird, like I was supposed to be reassured about this meeting. Just the whole last time we were together was weird. I look back on it now and really wonder if you may have "knew". It was so important to you for us to be on the same page.

I'm sure I let you down because I never brought together your toy drive. I tried and there was just too much... what's the word I am looking for? ....hmmmm....too much BS. The woman who ran the college toy drive was so power hungry she shut me out, much like she does with everyone even though she is a no one.

I still have your scrapbook and all the notes that were given to me. I've kept them and have yet to compile them into the book. I didn't know how to tell people that I couldn't do it and it seemed so ridiculous to me for me not to do this little thing for you. Now I live with guilt because I still haven't compiled it and it does not belong to me. It belongs to Sharon and your children.

I feel bad because you thought so highly of me and I've let you down. I tried to show you I wasn't as great of a person that you thought I was. I'm not even there to keep your grave up like I used to. I hope that someone has although I fear that no one has.

You changed my life forever. You made it better. You cared when no else did. You opened my eyes and you were a real friend to me through thick and thin. I'm sorry I have let you down, but please know that I will never forget you and all you did for me. You will always be in my heart and I hope that you and my squishy are there together safe and happy.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday Bela!

I know I'm late. I did not forget. I just couldn't bring myself here. December 7th; you would have been 3 years old. I can't understand it. I won't understand it. I keep thinking if you were here with us. But I know it would be extra hard because you would be here in body but not in mind. I know your passing was best for you. But it's just not right.

I found a comment in my mail. This comment referenced a blog I didn't know existed. I thought it had been deleted and when I went and saw everything was there in black and white. All that had happened; all the confusion, all the pain...I came to THE post. It simply said "Bela died".

I broke down. I don't even remember writing that post. As I read through each post it all flooded back. I can't understand how both your parents walk free. I can't understand how your death doesn't seem to matter to anyone.

I hope you know that we tried, your Uncle and I tried to get you here with us. I hope you at least felt loved that short time you were with us your first Christmas. You were only 2 weeks old, you had such a bad rash and were crying so hard. I took you from your mother and put some A & D on your rash, wrapped you up tightly and christened you "my squishy". You stopped crying almost immediately. I told you that I had given you your name, Bela Nerice, and I told you what it meant. I placed you next to your Uncle where you peacefully fell asleep.

Everytime you cried, I went out there and took you from your mother and brought you in with us. You would quickly stop crying and either fall asleep or look around in wonder. I hope you felt our love and I hope that's what gave you peace. I hated leaving you all there.

I'm so sorry you had such a short painful life. I'm sorry no one cared enough to help you. I'm sorry the system let you slip through the cracks and I hold them just as accountable for your death.

I imagine what you would be like now if you had been given a chance. I'd bet you would be totally into Dora and Princesses. I bet you'd be asserting your independence. I bet you would be forming sentences more clearly and wreaking havoc around the house getting into everything. I'd also imagine you to be a girly girl unlike your sisters. You'd be wanting to go to school like the big kids, potty trained and all.

We had a little party for you. Cupcakes from Costco. I wasn't sure what kind you would like but when I asked I was immediately told "Chocolate!" I kinda thought it would be too. I put your number 3 candle in and we all sang you happy birthday.

We will never forget you Bela. I won't let them. There is always an empty space where you belong. Even in pictures there seems to be an empty space. I will do my best to make sure cycles are broken and that you didn't die in vain.

Happy Birthday My Squishy!

Christmas Miracle

Some background... Hubs and I had to postpone our wedding THREE times because of the kids coming to live with us. It's been a rocky road. Finally we just did it with our witnesses.

During that time we had used our wedding money and wedding ring money to take care of the kids needs for back to school, etc... because we were told we would be reimbursed. We put our rings on layaway at the jewelers thinking we would just pick them up when it came through. That never exactly happened and we thought we had lost our down payment and our rings. We were not happy because it was A LOT of money and we loved our rings. They were perfect.

This morning we took the folding seat in to see if they could install it and it turned out that they could...in two weeks. We heard a commercial on the radio for the jeweler that we had been dealing with and they had recently moved...one street over from where we were. We thought, what the heck let's see what's what.

We walked in and they set out to find out the status. It turned out that Hubs ring was still back there and that we only owed $20 on it! I was so thrilled! It was a special order ring because of the way his hands and fingers are permanently curved from his paralysis. I paid the $20 and we are waiting for the engraving to be done. It should be ready next week. We weren't penalized and didn't lose any money.

As for my rings, it looked bleak at first. He said he had looked up the rings and couldn't locate one but it showed that the other was returned to inventory and was out on the floor.

I was waaaay excited because I knew it had to be my eternity wedding band. It's so beautiful and so mine! The other ring I wasn't worried about because the jeweler owns the design and I knew they probably hadn't made it yet.

The guy pointed out where in the cases it could be. Within 30 seconds I had spotted it. It was funny because the jeweler said to read the sku I had and he looked up at me, paused and said I was a genius. Even Hubs looked surprised. I said "What?? I know what I want." The jeweler said "I guess so." lol

I was beyond ecstatic. I can't even explain how lucky I feel. The ring is on sale right now for $100 less than what I was going to pay for it and they are having a no sales tax sale. We put it back on layaway. I'm going to use one of my paychecks a month to get it out.

It's soooo beautiful. After we get that one, I'm going to commission them to make my ring and put that on layaway.

Finally something went right.