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Should I dare to ask?

When will it ever end?

Everything seemed to be going just swimmingly and I was ready to wrap up everything. Sunday was to be my last very very very stressful day of the year or so I thought. Maybe I was looking forward to it too much or maybe I was bragging too loudly or something but it all culminated into one huge panic attack on Sunday between the two first holy communions and taking Hubs to the ER.



Let's back up to last Tuesday night when Hubs was telling me his throat was kinda sore. We didn't think too much about it because I had just changed the tubing on his mouthstick so we kinda chalked it up to that and moved on but then Wednesday he had a dry cough. We wondered if I had left soap on the tubing but I was sure I hadn't and washed it out two more times. I gave him some cough drops and we moved on.



By Thursday, he had thick mucus and he could not cough it up. I was worried. He was coughing all night long...no sleep. I gave him some chest decongestant and made him some chicken with rice soup. Friday was a little more of the same but I tried a new medicine on him and it seemed to do the trick he was good by about noon. Then it started again the hacking and wheezing and being up all night.


But then Saturday it was all sunshine and rainbows not a cough or wheeze or nothin. But come night fall there it was again. It causes him spasms and between the two it's up all night.



Well come Sunday, I was freaking out because as the time got closer to church, he was getting worse and worse. In fact at just the time the kids were getting ready to go he threw up and then in the church he was lightheaded to the point of nearly fainting. The whole hour I just wished it would hurry by.



The girls made their First Holy Communions and we were off to the ER.

Of course, by that time Hubs was feeling better. Actually about the time he was feeling better I was starting to get very painful chest pains on my right side. They got worse as we drove to the ER and by the time we got to the ER I was in full panic attack.

I haven't had one like that since, well since before my friend Karlton died almost 10 years ago. I remember it because that's when I found out that Dads don't do the things that my stepfather was doing to me. I hadn't known until my friend Karlton, a father of 4 and a damn good one, told me the limits.

I hate them, my hands and face go numb, everything goes brighter like an overexposed picture or something and my chest. I feel so much pressure.

But God had sent me an angel to be with me. I still have a post that I want to write about this woman and how great she is and how much she has helped us already but I want to save that for a post of it's own.

After the attack finally passed, we went in and they called Hubs back. They did two x-rays and he was clear. He has a little bit of liquid in his right lung but supposedly it's been there since his last x-rays. They gave him a breathing treatment, prescribed him an inhaler and a z-pack.

I thought that meant we would be ok. But yesterday was the worst. For some reason my head hurt so bad and Hubs was having problems and I was just trying to cope. I couldn't find the vaporub and I just gave up. I felt like I had hit bottom. I keep feeling like I'm some kind of joke for God's amusement. I keep asking for help because it's all too much and it's like he's laughing and shoving me forward trying to make me fall and telling me to suck it up.

So I quit. I quit asking for help. I was just thinking whatever, I'll buy more vaporub, I'll do nothing and I did. Sort of. I picked up one of my Joyce Meyer books and I swear it's like that woman is talking directly to me. (Thanks Karlton!)

She was talking about women and how they are stretched too thin and they have high expectations of themselves and they worry too much and they just have to let it go and give it to God.

Last night, I thought I might end up having to call an ambulance for Hubs, he was having catheter issues and he was dripping sweat. He couldn't breathe and his blood pressure was through the roof. I tried everything and I told him we needed to get him out of the chair to check some other things that might be the cause. As I stood over him trying to help him cough out phlegm so he could breathe before I lifted him I looked over at his bed and there on the footrest was the jar of vaporub.

I asked Hubs if the kids had found it and he said no one had been in the room and the door was shut the whole time. This was true because I had their Communion dresses on my bed and I didn't want the cats to get them.

The vaporub just appeared. I took it as a sign to put it on and gooped him up. He stopped coughing and he could breathe. He actually slept last night for the first time since we left for the Adoption. The room is silent right now as I type. He occasionally wheezes or coughs but nothing like the past few days. Maybe I am jumping the gun, maybe we aren't past anything but I still feel somewhat relieved for now.

This morning I asked the kids. They don't even know what vaporub is.

I. did. not. find. it.

I sat the new box next to the old jar and I stared at it. Holding back the tears I thanked God for hearing me and helping me when I thought all was lost and when I gave up. I don't think we are out of the woods yet but I feel a little stronger everytime I see the vaporub.

Thank you

Time In A Bottle

I know it's almost a month later but I wanted to share what Hubs got me for our one year "paper" anniversary. I have to admit I was shocked and I wasn't sure what kind of expression to make because I really wasn't sure.

At first, when I saw the box and it's shape and even when I opened it and it was filled with paper shavings I thought "he better have not". See, we had both been online seperately searching the Internet in the hopes that something inspirational would land our way when I came across toilet paper that said "Happy First Anniversary". I chuckled and shared it with Hubs because the quote the company gave as a testimonial was "She cried!". I was telling him...suuure she cried, but not in a good way. So I thought he might have gotten me the toilet paper since I had seemed to be so amused with it.

But luckily for him me he didn't. Instead he got me this and I have to admit once I had opened it and read it, I cried.

When I first took it out, I was like "Oh!... Look Oprah's favorite most romantic gift!" (yeah, I'd come across it on the web too.) The feel of the wood casing is soooo smooth. I was so surprised.

When I opened it there was this inside. Blue is my favorite color. Inside the bottle was a personal message written by Hubs.

It was the message that made me cry. "Our Song" is Time in a Bottle and his message captured all of it. Us coming together and being a family. I'm about to tear up right now thinking of it.

It was just perfect, like him.

They're HERE!!

So I've been impatiently waiting for "the twins" to come.

Well, let's step back and give a moment of silence to the other hardworkers who have retired today after 11 long years of hard (well semi-hard work since really the hard work just started a year and a half ago.) work. They were my mothers before she passed them on to me.
(in case you were wondering the sign on the dryer said something about keeping out of the dryer-signed the management or something to that effect.)

Ok...so this morning I got up bright and early and set out to clear out the old washer and dryer myself because I figured it would save a lot of time and possible damage. I popped the door off and started to clear things out.

I have a rather large laundry room but right now with the spare fridge, the freezer and the mini fridge, not to mention cat items taking up one side it seems pretty small. But within 10 minutes of their arrival, I had the room ready to go.


Like any proud new mom, I was taking pictures of my new arrivals. Ok, so I did it from the living room window. Because yes, I was a little bit embarrassed over my eagerness to get the new babies installed.

I mean, I do about 12 loads of laundry overnight, two nights (10pm-4 am, has to be after showers) a week. If I was lucky the washer wouldn't give me grief and the dryer wouldn't eat any clothes. But that was rare. No, I shouldn't have so many dirty clothes but somehow I always do.
So without further ado, here are my twins...they are the LG (crossing my fingers in hopes I didn't get lemons) SteamWasher and SteamDryer. Can you hear the choir singing Allelujah? I can. The largest capacity of their kind and a built in water heater. (I feel like one of the guys showing off my souped up old car.) I feel a little bad because I don't mean to have favorites but I wasn't this excited when we got our freezer several months ago. But I think you can understand the difference.

It was a tough investment but I'm sure the ROI will be worth it just in the amount of "extra" time I will have now.

Another reason why I am the luckiest girl ever!

Checking my e-mail to find a few love notes from Hubs and this attachment...

He made this coupon himself for me. Awww...how sweet!

Christmas Miracle

Some background... Hubs and I had to postpone our wedding THREE times because of the kids coming to live with us. It's been a rocky road. Finally we just did it with our witnesses.

During that time we had used our wedding money and wedding ring money to take care of the kids needs for back to school, etc... because we were told we would be reimbursed. We put our rings on layaway at the jewelers thinking we would just pick them up when it came through. That never exactly happened and we thought we had lost our down payment and our rings. We were not happy because it was A LOT of money and we loved our rings. They were perfect.

This morning we took the folding seat in to see if they could install it and it turned out that they could...in two weeks. We heard a commercial on the radio for the jeweler that we had been dealing with and they had recently moved...one street over from where we were. We thought, what the heck let's see what's what.

We walked in and they set out to find out the status. It turned out that Hubs ring was still back there and that we only owed $20 on it! I was so thrilled! It was a special order ring because of the way his hands and fingers are permanently curved from his paralysis. I paid the $20 and we are waiting for the engraving to be done. It should be ready next week. We weren't penalized and didn't lose any money.

As for my rings, it looked bleak at first. He said he had looked up the rings and couldn't locate one but it showed that the other was returned to inventory and was out on the floor.

I was waaaay excited because I knew it had to be my eternity wedding band. It's so beautiful and so mine! The other ring I wasn't worried about because the jeweler owns the design and I knew they probably hadn't made it yet.

The guy pointed out where in the cases it could be. Within 30 seconds I had spotted it. It was funny because the jeweler said to read the sku I had and he looked up at me, paused and said I was a genius. Even Hubs looked surprised. I said "What?? I know what I want." The jeweler said "I guess so." lol

I was beyond ecstatic. I can't even explain how lucky I feel. The ring is on sale right now for $100 less than what I was going to pay for it and they are having a no sales tax sale. We put it back on layaway. I'm going to use one of my paychecks a month to get it out.

It's soooo beautiful. After we get that one, I'm going to commission them to make my ring and put that on layaway.

Finally something went right.