Learning a lot about my kids...

I changed out the keyboard on this thing because I wanted to make sure I document it all. I'll probably get my computer back tomorrow, but I don't want to forget.

First, I want to mention something that blew my mind. The oldest keeps talking about when she has kids... you know, she's not going to do this or that...blah, blah, blah... what she said that opened my eyes,

I will be the grandmother of her children.

I never assumed that the kids would think that or even choose me. I've had it in my mind that they will leave and never look back the second they turn 18.

Which leads me to tonight's conversation. I talked to my mother and my sister tonight. I haven't talked to my sister in over a year. Her choice. I don't know why.

She wanted to know what my mom was saying about her. Which honestly, not much or really anything at all. I decided I should reverse the question and ask her if she knew if my mom had said anything to the kids birth mother.

She said she had.I was sooo disappointed and in disbelief. When I asked her if she knew what, she said that the kids bio mother had called her to rant and told her "your mother actually thought she was going to call me and cuss me out." Meaning, our mother, the kids grandmother, called her and cussed her out. Apparently, she (the kid's grandmother) told their bio mother that she hated her and how the kids are scared and basically how they reacted to her (their grandmother). Then their bio mom went on to complain that, that was all she would tell her about her kids and how it wasn't right.

I don't know whether to believe it or not. It would be just like their bio mom to try and find someone to sympathize with her. If my mom had said more, I don't think their bio mom would have called my sister.

I shared with my sister how I am so worried that the kids bio mom would ruin them when they get older. I'm worried she would use them and turn the tables on them to make them feel guilty.

At dinner, CDQ mentioned how she was trying really hard not to mess up Thanksgiving. What that translates to: "I don't want to sabotage myself and ruin the fun." So they all started talking about our Thanksgiving traditions. Grateful turkeys, Macy's Parade, dog show, Charlie Brown, FOOD! They are pretty excited now.

I brought up the subject of Grandma. I wanted to make sure I addressed their fears and I told them so. When they came out, I could see from their faces they were scared that day. CDQ had denied it. But this time when I brought it up, she admitted she was scared and she didn't know it.

I told them that I thought a lot of the time they "ruined" things was because they were scared and they didn't know it. I told them I wanted them to think about what they were scared about or how they felt and see if they could say why. So next time they would be able to tell how they were feeling and take care of it before it got too big.

This was so interesting, but the convo was to get a lot more interesting.

Most of them were scared of being taken away (all except the oldest), some of the fear was from the memories flooding back, the memories of not being safe, the memories of being hurt. Talking like this also revealed that they were having nightmares again.

I decided I was going to use this opportunity to give them a voice. To start to pave the way to make sure they weren't afraid to stick up for themselves, even to Grandmas and Bio moms.

I told them that they should write a letter to their Grandma to tell her how they felt and to give her examples of how she could keep them safe. After all, CDQ brought up that she didn't feel her Grandmother kept her safe.

I also told them about how you teach people to treat you the way you want to be treated. That was a hard concept, but I think it finally made sense in the end.

They discussed amongst themselves how their grandmother could keep them safe:

Not give out the address or phone number.
Not bring them here.
Not talk about them to anyone so they won't want to know more about them and maybe come looking for them.
Not tell what they look like so their mom won't know when they get older.

There were A LOT of suggestions. But I realized that some where along the line I missed it. They don't want anything to do with their bio mother or father. I guess a long time ago my mom had put it in my head that the kids would go back with their mother once they turned 18 and I just took it for granted they would.

After tonight, I realized that for most of them, I have shifted from Aunt to Mom. I made the mistake of asking SS to clarify if she was talking about her grandmother or her mom and she corrected me. She said her bio mother's name instead of Mom. It was like a slap in the face telling me to wake up already. I heard it! I apologized to her.

Somewhere...after all of this... we HAVE become a family and it's scary and amazing all at the same time.

PS. Remember how my kids were all figety the night they knew my mom was here? Right now they are sleeping like logs. I was worried the dinner conversation would have triggered bad dreams but when they came to hug me good night, I made sure to reassure them that they were safe and I asked them if they knew that. The night is still young but it seems like that little sentence may have made the difference.