I am so proud of my kids.

First off, I am still exhausted. I only got 6 hours of sleep in the 48 hours my mother was here and then soon after she left Hubbins spasms got worse all over again. *sigh* So, if this post is confusing or doesn't make sense, I am totally blaming it on lack of sleep. lol

Hubbins. We were able to get him to his primary doctors appointment. She ordered an ultrasound on his bladder and his prostate. Then she told us she was leaving the state. *sniff, sniff*

I almost cried. Seriously. She's a damn good doctor. She's Greek from the Bronx and about as real as it gets. No sugar coating, no if's, ands, or buts-- just straight. I heart people who are straight shooters. I double heart doctors who are.

I did manage to wish her luck in her new life... but damn. Hubbins good doctors are now ALL officially gone. His rehab PA, his urologist, and now this. I know I am forgetting the other doctors right now. But I am just. so. sad.

We were able to get him in to the ultrasound the next day and despite all the hell it took to get there the ultrasound itself went awesome. They took like 5 or 6 pics of his bladder and then like three times that amount of his prostate. Hmmm.... I guess we have to wait until December 1st when he sees the urologist.

I am trying to get him a new one but guess what! There are no urologists in this state that take his insurance. YAY! Actually that was another situation where I almost cried. The home health nurse was trying to help us find a new urologist and her lady at the office called back to tell us that there were none in the state. I told the home health nurse, "No, there are all of these urologists in the state, just none for Hubbins."

He's still having spasms most of the night. Last night was the mildest until they started full force around 6 am this morning. I don't know how we are both hanging in there. This sucks.

On to the kids, my mom came in at 3:30 Tuesday morning. She fell asleep around 4 am. I fell asleep around 6 am. I had briefly talked to her about the kids. She slept in until around 10 or so. This also coincides with the time the kids finish up breakfast and their morning routine.

Except for the oldest, the others hadn't seen her at all. I hadn't told them anything either. I realized this was going to be a shock to their systems but I thought it was kinder than telling them in advance and letting them worry and be scared.

I called them all out at the same time and I watched their faces as they registered that their grandmother was in our living room.

Fear. Except for the oldest. I told my mom they were afraid. She was surprised they didn't rush to hug her.

I told them it was ok. I told them that she had nothing to do with their mom and that no one else would be coming. I told them that she didn't have the address and that I had told her over the phone how to come. I also told them we still had no numbers on the house.

For the first time, my mom saw what I was trying to tell her. She held back the tears, as my kids didn't really respond. She asked them for hugs and they gave quick side hugs. SS focused on a framed poster I have on the wall that says "Families are forever." She had tears welling in her eyes. The boy just gaped. Poufy sat on the floor facing me, staring at me. CDQ wasn't sure whether to be elated or scared. So she was fidgety with fake smiles.

I told my kids it was ok to express how they were feeling and they should tell her. The boy quickly blurted out that he has bad dreams that they (BOTH his parents) are going to come and take him away. He started crying. SS started crying. I told them to come to me where they clung to me crying. My mom started crying then. I held my crying kids and told them all that no one was going to take them anywhere and they were my kids now forever. I also told them no one was going to hurt them anymore because I wasn't going to let anyone hurt them. I also told them that if my mom messed up she wouldn't be coming back here again either. This all said right in front of her.

SS and the boy stopped crying and clung to me tightly! (attachment milestone, I know of all the things to think of.) I know how it must've appeared to my mom. Us against her. Maybe it shouldn't be that way. But that's the way I want it. I want them to have their guard up with her as well.

I told them I had their work for the day set up and it would be just like when the babysitter was here. Which is basically everyone is safe in their rooms with alarms on the door and no one can go in or out. They always eat first, potty and take their water bottles with them. I give them workbook work and a book or two that I know they want to read. They are to write book reports if they finish as well. I also tell them that if they finish early they will have to just stare at the wall. Don't worry. They never finish early. I give them enough work for days. I just tell them that so they won't try to rush through it all and do sloppy work. It works! I mean who wants to stare at a wall. lol

Right before I left I caught my mom following CDQ into the room. She closed the door and I opened it right up. She was trying to lecture CDQ about giving me a hard time. I laughed. CDQ's eyes were glazed over and she was smirking. She wasn't listening. I told my mom it was no use. She wasn't listening. I also told her I didn't want her alone with the kids. So we both left the room.

Later when I was out with my mom she told me she was concerned about CDQ, she said her eyes were scary when she was trying to talk to her and what was with her laughing at her... I was glad she was able to see it and not kid herself anymore. She seemed to think a stern lecture from grandma would fix it.

So off I took Hubbins. While we were gone I decided that we should celebrate the boys 8th birthday when we got back. No one was in trouble or expecting it. I dropped Hubbins at home with the kids and picked up my mom where I discussed more things about the kids with her. We got the cake and food and came back.

The kids weren't scared anymore. They were excited. This was kind of my intention. I wanted them to have a good memory. I guess this could backfire on me if my mom screws up. But I think she gets it about my sister even. I think she thought the kids wanted her and missed her. But now she sees they are traumatized at the thought of her coming back to hurt them.

I asked her about the other kids and how they reacted to their mother coming back into their lives. She told me the oldest hates her. I said I didn't think this was going to be much different.

I already told her that what ever happens here stays here. This also said in front of the kids. She agreed. Earlier that morning, I had said the same thing. I told her that I don't feel it's for her or myself to tell. I told her if after my kids turn 18 they want to share with their mother that's fine and I'm making it possible that they will be able to share their childhood with her or anyone (their children). But it's not for us to do. She also agreed to that.

We came back and the kids watched "Up" with Hubbins while my mom and I got the cake and gifts together. Afterwards they played karaoke on the Wii. I let them stay up until ten.

My mom watched on the camera as they fidgeted in bed. It was very different from the morning before when she came in and they were all sleeping like rocks. I told her they were very scared. She said she saw that. (YES!)

The next day I was to take Hubbins to the ultrasound. We did the same thing. This time my mom checked in on the kids. She couldn't believe how they were all sitting there and doing what they were told. I told her I didn't want her doing that but I guess the kids had already made her feel like she was bugging and interrupting them. What can I say? I give good assignments. I know I do. I base it around their interests and make sure they are age appropriate. If your teacher gave you The Alchemyst (the 13 year old, all though I know she would love Twilight), Spiderwick (the 9 year old), The Mouse and The Motorcycle (the 8 year old), Transformers/Cars (the boy) and Harry Potter (the 10 year old) assignments wouldn't you be excited too? :-) I save these for just these occasions, when I need them to be engrossed in something.

Anyhow, we ended up getting out way earlier than we expected. We stopped and picked up dinner and came home and had a family meal with all of us at the table. It was good. Very normal actually.

Then my mom had to go. There were some tears. I told the kids not to worry. Again in front of my mom. I said basically if Grandma makes the right choices she will be able to come back again. Of course the right choices mean keeping us all safe. The kids were intent on that and my mom knew it. It's her second and last chance.

She took off and I had already planned to make caramel apples with the kids for dessert right after she left. They had a blast.

I have to say it's still all new and of course my mom would have been amiable to everything. But I think she gets it. Not entirely, of course. But the only thing we have to work on is her trying to parent my kids. I don't think she's doing it because she thinks she can do better or that I'm delusional like most grandparents do. At least not after the incident with CDQ. But it just seemed more out of habit. Like she's still in the days before all this happened. No one would take care of the kids and my mother would step forward and parent them when my sister wouldn't. I would too. But I was more of the first tell the adult in charge and then take care of it myself if no one else did, type.

I don't think there will be a problem with this. I remember before it all, my mom would cry because she just wanted to be the grandma who spoils her grandkids. She didn't want to be the bad guy. This only seems like win/win. Especially because I've already banned any kind of present buying. We are parents that take care of our kids so my mother doesn't have to worry or step in. We are fine being the bad guys. She can blame the things on us. We aren't worried about being friends with our kids or them hating us.

I know I sound really optimistic about all this but don't think I am being naive.

I am happy that my kids clung to me the entire time. My kids hugged me and told me they loved me and they did the same to their Dad bypassing my mother. She was all, "what about me?".

CDQ thought she was going to be "special" again but we killed that right at the start. I had trouble with the oldest acting bratty because she thought she was special because "she spent more time with grandma." But we nipped that in the bud too by telling them all that it wasn't like that anymore and they were all equals.

I tried to head off as much as I could with open communication with all of us together. I fully expected and am still waiting for my kids to lose their $%^&. But it's been a couple of days and all I got was the boy being bratty because of all the attention he got on his birthday. I think that's normal 8 year old behavior. You know the birthday child having a big head deal. lol

Given all the shocks and excitement, my kids are doing pretty damn awesome and I am so proud of them!